He Chose Titans
by masksarehot
Summary: Erwin swore he would never again be distracted from his fight against the titans, but when an unexpected bond begins to form with Levi, he must decide whether he will follow his heart or his head. [Erwin x Levi, romance/drama/angst, semi-canon prequel/retelling.]
1. Promotions (PART I)

**A/N:** _The first chapter of this fic begins a little over a year after Levi joined the Survey Corps. I'm pretty sure that as the manga progresses, actual canon will contradict a lot of the choices I've made for this fic, but I'll try to write close to canon events where possible._

_There will be vague references to Erwin & Levi's past in both the manga and "A Choice With No Regrets", but no real spoilers. Most of their backstory here will be headcanon or fanfic-plot-relevant stuff._

_On that note, I'm pretty new to Eruri, so I haven't read any fanfics for it yet. However, because this is semi-canon, and because I'm using some common fanfic tropes, there may be coincidental resemblance to existing fanworks out there. (I hope not, but it's possible!) Any resemblance to any existing fanwork is completely unintentional. Also, if you read any of my LoK fics, you'll probably notice a few of my favourite tropes and plot devices being recycled. Sorry in advance for the repetition. :3_

_Okay, I'll stop babbling now and get on with the story. Thanks for reading!_

* * *

**PART I**

* * *

Everything began to unravel the night after Levi's second major expedition. He stormed into Erwin's office, teeth clenched and fists tight:

"They're all dead! Your fucking strategy got them killed."

"There can be no triumph for humanity without taking risks," said Erwin. "Risks mean casualties. It's an unfortunate sacrifice we all must make."

"They're all dead." Levi's voice was frayed. "They weren't just casualties, they were my fucking team!"

The words tasted of blood and smoke, and when Erwin closed his eyes, he saw flames devour the uneaten remains of Henrik's torso, felt forgotten tears run down his face: _Don't you dare call him a 'casualty'. He was a person, not a statistic._

He swallowed a lump in his throat and drew himself upright, reciting the words his Commander had given him that night, so many years ago: "When we enlist in the Survey Corps, we are asked if we are willing to give our lives for the sake of humanity. Your team fulfilled their vows and made the ultimate sacrifice, and we are all proud of them." The words sounded emptier leaving his mouth than they did in his memory. Had they been just as empty then, too?

And Levi, brave Levi, who had risked his life on the streets for scraps of food, who could fell more titans in a single expedition than most soldiers in a lifetime, dropped to his knees and began to weep.

It was a scene that had replayed countless times and would replay countless more: every member of the Survey Corps had this breakdown at some point, even the strongest soldiers. If Erwin had steeled himself and let him mourn alone, their bond would have cemented at a distance, a bond of respect and professionalism and nothing more.

Instead, memories still fresh on his mind, he knelt beside the weeping man and draped an arm across his shoulders. Levi fell against him, a hand twisting into his shirt, body heaving with sobs. His form was small and warm, and Erwin instinctively curled around him, trying, for just a little longer, to shield him from the horrors of the career he had forced upon him.

Though the incident went unspoken between them in the months to come, a very different kind of bond began to take shape.

* * *

**- 1 -**

**Promotions**

As Erwin stepped through the doorway, he was surprised to see Captain Anke sitting across from Commander Shadis. For Erwin to be called into his Commander's office at eight o'clock at night wasn't unheard of, as they had spent many late nights together working on strategies for expeditions. Anke's presence, however, was unexpected; she preferred to execute plans, not help create them. She was plaiting damp red hair in a braid over her shoulder, and when her eyes locked with his, she gave him a little shrug, evidently as confused about her presence as he was. Shadis, meanwhile, was sorting a pile of files into two stacks on his desk, his brows heavy, his jaw set.

"You wanted to see me?" asked Erwin, saluting.

"Ah, Erwin." Shadis finished sorting the files, then looked up at him with a polite smile. "Close the door and take a seat. Thank you for coming on such short notice. I apologize for taking both of you away from your leisure time."

It wasn't like him to be so formal, and Erwin immediately began to anticipate bad news. He strained his vision to read the files on the desk. Personnel; Mike's file was at the top of one stack, Levi's at the top of the other. Taking a seat beside Anke, he said, "I assume this is about the Squad Leader vacancy?"

"Partly." Shadis leaned back in his chair, folding his hands on top of the desk. His gaze, deep-set and rimmed with dark hollows, intimidated most who met him, but Erwin saw the gaze for what it really was: fatigue. Lately, the hollows had been growing, so it was no surprise to hear the next words:

"I'm retiring from the Survey Corps. Effective the end of this week, I'll be making the transition to training new recruits."

Erwin felt a pang of disappointment. The two of them worked well together; the Commander had identified his strategic abilities early on, and seemed to enjoy coaching him through strategies and proposals, giving Erwin more responsibility than a Squad Leader should rightfully have. It was a strong balance of mentorship and trust, one Erwin didn't expect to find again. He had been dreading this day.

"Anke, you'll be promoted to Commander," said Shadis. "Later this week, you'll accompany me to a ceremony at the Capital to formally transfer leadership."

The woman's hands froze mid-braid, her eyes wide. "Thank you, sir," she stammered, her tone conveying more fear than gratitude.

"And Erwin, you'll be taking over as Captain. Since your position will need to be backfilled, that frees up room for both Mike and Levi to be promoted. In addition, we've received funding for yet another Squad Leader position." He slid the two stacks of files across the desk. "Here are the short-listed candidates from the previous round of interviews, several Team Leaders, and a few more candidates I hand picked from the newer recruits. This is a good opportunity to start introducing our new Squad Leaders to the bureaucratic aspects of their roles. Erwin, you and Mike go through one set of candidates, and Anke, you and Levi and do the other. Let's identify the right candidate within the next two days."

Erwin began to flip through a stack of files, scanning the names. "This is all happening quickly."

"I'm an old man. I've been doing this a long time." Shadis fell silent, but it was easy to fill in the blanks. They had neighbouring rooms, and Erwin regularly overheard yells from nightmares.

Shadis cleared his throat. "Anke, you're dismissed. Erwin, stay behind a moment."

"Sir." The woman saluted, then scurried from the room, her arms curled around her stack of files.

Once the door closed behind her, Erwin frowned. "She's nervous." He wasn't certain how to feel about that. While her fear didn't inspire confidence in her leadership abilities, it did, at least, make her more likely to listen to his counsel. He had worked hard to gain control of the strategic aspects of the Survey Corps, and he wasn't prepared to give that up.

"She just needs time to get used to the idea. The two of you will do a fine job of leading this ragtag group, and I'm going to have a hell of a good time scaring the shit out of trainees." There was a long pause, then Shadis' voice softened. "I want you to understand why she was promoted ahead of you."

"I assumed it was because she outranked me."

"This conversation is long overdue." The man's face softened. "I'm supposed to be your mentor, Erwin, and there are a few things you need to learn before you can lead this group. You're an excellent strategist, no question. Your drive to free humanity is unmatched, and your ability to separate your heart and your head makes you a brilliant tactician." He paused. "But it makes you a shitty leader."

Though Erwin managed to keep his face perfectly neutral, his pulse began to rise. "I'm not sure I understand."

"Think about all the times I've had to suggest more caution to your strategies. If you see the people around you as chess pieces, you start to make risky sacrifices in order to win the game; you forget they're people with fears, with morale. It's not sustainable to cast them endlessly to their deaths. If you do, you're going to end up with a company that despises you, a company so crippled by fear that it can't even fight."

For the first time since Erwin had joined the Corps, his ego smarted. "I take morale into account when-"

"You don't understand it. You calculate it. You've separated yourself so far from your humanity that you've lost the ability to empathize." The sympathetic look on Shadis' face only made the insult more painful. "Anke has connected with the troops. She sees them as humans, and they know it. If she asks them to die for her, they will go to their deaths without suspicion, because they know she'll only ask if it's damned well necessary. That, Erwin, is why she is taking over as Commander."

The tone suggested the conversation was over, but Erwin wasn't accustomed to having his intentions questioned. He leaned forward. "Keith, you and I both know sacrifices are necessary if humanity is to advance."

"They are, absolutely. And soldiers will climb into the maws of a titan for you if they believe you're acting in their best interests." Shadis stood. "It doesn't take much. Grab a beer with the troops now and then, talk to them, get to know them. You'll find that they begin to trust you more, which will serve your goals - and you'll become more cautious about needlessly expending their lives, which will serve theirs. Dismissed."

Rising, Erwin saluted, thumping his chest hard enough to bruise. He grabbed his share of the files and strode across the wooden floor, mind churning. _That was about the last expedition_, he thought as he stepped through the door. _He wants me to understand that I sacrificed too many soldiers for too little gain, but I already knew that. _His jaw tightened as he remembered Levi's tears, felt the small form huddled against his body.

"Erwin." Anke's voice made him jump. She was leaning against the hallway wall, still clutching the files to her chest. "Can we talk?"

He stood tall. "Congratulations on your promotion."

"Thanks." Her voice wavered.

Shifting his files to one hand, he gripped her shoulder with the other. "You'll be fine."

"You'll still be doing all our strategy. I can barely even read a map." She shook her head. "This is ridiculous. Why didn't he give us any advance notice? It's all so fast. I wasn't even done washing my hair! And why the fuck didn't he promote you instead?"

"He said I've distanced myself too far from my humanity."

She squinted, looking just as confused as he was. "I don't really know how relevant humanity is out on the field, anyway. I'd rather follow someone who could distance himself, keep his wits about him."

He smiled, grateful for her confidence.

"Well," she said, "it is what it is, so let's deal with it one step at a time." She held up her stack of files. "What do you think - start this tonight? That way we can get all three of the new Squad Leaders training together, save us some time. Maybe even get them working in their roles for next week's expedition."

"I'm willing to do this now if you are, but we'd better be quick if we want to catch anyone sober." He could already hear the chaotic rumble of discussion and laughter from the end of the hallway.

"Then let's get to it. Just one thing." She pulled off the top file and held it out. "Take Levi and give me Mike."

His eyes snapped to the file, his pulse doubling. "Why?"

"Because the little shit actually respects you. How much flak do you think he'll give me if I try to force him into a night of bureaucracy?" She nodded dismissively at the file in her hand. "I don't have the patience for his crap right now. There's enough on my mind already."

He reached out a hand and delicately clasped the file. "Very well. I'll work with Levi," he said, taking the excuse to say the name, because lately he had come to enjoy the sensation of it sliding between his lips.

.*.*.*.

"Here." Mike dropped into the seat across from Levi and slid a fresh bottle of ale across the table. "We have some heavy drinking to do if we're going to catch up to everyone else." Around them, the new recruits seemed more focused on drink and gossip than their upcoming responsibilities; they had stampeded in three weeks ago to take over the barracks, tracking in shit attitudes and mud. Their noise was a constant reminder of how silent things had become before their arrival.

Maybe Levi should have been taking the opportunity to get to know them better, but most of them were going to be die during their first expedition, anyway. The more attachments he formed, the more pain he would have when they were severed. No, he was better limiting himself to the few attachments he had already. He could count Mike among those, even if things were getting a bit weird now that they were up for the same promotion. Erwin was among them, too, but things were getting a bit weird there, too, for an entirely different reason.

"Noisy little fuckers, aren't they?" said Mike, his nose wrinkling. "They reek of the city."

"They reek of bullshit. All talk, no experience. Little pukes." Levi pushed his other bottles aside and lifted the new one for a swig, but paused.

Erwin stepped into the doorway, Captain Anke at his side, both of them clutching stacks of documents. They seemed to be looking for someone, their eyes scanning the crowded mess hall. It wasn't like Erwin to show his face on a night like this - he usually spent his free evenings holed up in his office with a stack of paperwork.

Placid blue eyes locked onto Levi. His breath froze, but he only responded with a casual nod, because he'd be damned if anyone noticed him get flustered over a little eye contact. Erwin nodded back, and that should have been the end of it, but lately, every glance between them lasted for a beat too long, and this was no exception. Levi's heart began to pound. It was a relief when Erwin finally looked away; he gripped Anke's shoulder and pointed, then the two began to approach.

"They must have decided who got the promotion," said Mike, leaning forward in his chair with anticipation.

Levi's eyes traced the approaching pair, and he felt a flicker of disappointment as Anke began to beeline for Mike. "Congratulations," he said dully. The man had been a member of the Survey Corps for years, and he was overdue for a promotion, so their choice made sense. _So long as I get to kill titans, who the fuck cares what my rank is?_

But instead of stopping at Mike, Anke stepped to the head of the table, Erwin settling into place beside her.

"Hey guys," she said, her tone too casual, too forced. "We have some good news. You're both being promoted."

"That's great," said Mike.

Instead of responding, Levi slumped in his chair. "Telling us in the mess hall, this late at night - why all the pageantry?"

"We have some critical work to get through tonight," said Erwin.

With a short, displeased sigh, Levi stood. "Please tell me I get to beat some sense into all these screaming brats."

"Much more mundane than that, I'm afraid." Anke cocked her head. "Let's pair off. Mike, come with me. We'll reconvene at ten in my office."

As Mike rose to join her, Erwin grabbed the man's shoulder and leaned in, murmuring his congratulations. Levi's hands curled. It was a typical sight - Erwin was a close-talker, constantly making physical contact with the people around him. Everyone, that was, except Levi. Ever since the embarrassing emotional breakdown several months back, whenever the occasion arose for an encouraging pat or a friendly shoulder grip, he only got a nod. It was just a touch, just a stupid little bit of physical contact, but it was one more part of Erwin Smith that he didn't have.

He pushed out his chair and stood.

Erwin turned to him and gave a formal nod. "Congratulations, Squad Leader Levi."

Levi pushed past him. "Let's get this over with."

They walked down the hall in unison, Levi subtly stretching his strides to keep up with the taller man. In his periphery, he watched the man's face, which, usually neutral, was set in a definite frown.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes."

"Anke seemed nervous."

"She's being promoted to Commander," said Erwin without looking at him.

Levi's steps slowed. "What?" She was a good fighter, and an earnest and genuine leader, but not someone he could see as a Commander. "What about you?"

"I'll be replacing her as Captain."

"I guess that explains why two Squad Leader positions were suddenly available."

"Three."

"Three? Who died?"

Erwin glanced back at him, face unreadable. "No one. We have some big operations coming up, so we needed more senior officers. You're going to help me interview candidates for the third vacancy." He opened the door to his office and let Levi through, closing it behind them. The stack of files dropped onto the desk as he took a seat.

Levi fell into the empty chair across from him, then flipped through the files until he found the one he wanted. "This is who we need." He tossed the file onto the desk: Hange Zoe, one of the newer Team Leaders.

Erwin opened it, scanning the pages. "Difficulty working with others. Disobeys direct orders."

"My file probably says the same thing." Levi leaned back in his chair. "The Survey Corps has a big gaping hole, and Hange can fill it. Anke's good at motivating people; you have brains; Mike smells titans; I'm good at putting them down; and so on. Between us, we can hunt and evade titans fine, but no one actually gives a shit about what they are. We need someone eager to learn more about them, figuring out all their weaknesses, where they come from, all that shit. Hange won't shut up about them."

"What do you propose?"

"Interview shitglasses first, save ourselves some time if the fit is right. Unless you have a better idea."

"No, that's very close to what I was going to propose. Good analysis." Erwin raised a thick brow. "Though since I'm supposed to be training you, I suggest you refrain from using the term 'shitglasses.'"

Levi sighed. "So, what, should I go get Hange so we can do the interview right now?"

"I interrupted your downtime for this. I'll go."

As Erwin walked past, Levi caught himself slowly inhaling, breathing in the faint scent of cologne._ Now I'm smelling people, too. I've been spending too much time around Mike._

He wasn't sure when, exactly, his feelings had evolved from raw hatred to this embarrassing mess of hyper-awareness and racing heartbeats. His theory was that crying in Erwin's arms had fucked him up a bit, crossed a wire or two in his brain. Crying in front of others was not something Levi did, ever, and maybe that moment of vulnerability had left him open to imprint on the man like a chick on its mother.

Regardless of the source, the little crush was becoming distracting, more and more so as the months passed. If things got any worse, he was no longer going to be able to look Erwin in the eye. He was already treading on uncomfortable ground, with sordid thoughts creeping into his mind whenever he had a moment to himself, and vivid imagery during dreams. He was supposed to be killing titans, not trying to get laid.

Trying to distract himself, Levi rose to his feet and began to pace around the office. Did becoming a Squad Leader mean he would get his own office, too? He would certainly keep it cleaner than this. The desk was tidy enough, but the shelf along the back window was covered with tattered books, fading stacks of paper, and dust.

Near one end of the shelf, a metal frame sat facing backwards; it had been there since Levi had first set foot in this office, driving him mad with its chaos. Taking the opportunity to address the errant frame head-on, he lifted it, wondering if Erwin would notice if he set it facing the right way. Inside the frame was a small, fading drawing of a bird in flight, and written in ink below it was a short message: _Together, we will always soar. -H._

Footsteps sounded in the hallway. He hurried to set the frame back in place, but even with all his speed, the warning was too short. The frame clunked onto the shelf face-down just as the door swung open. Erwin's gaze locked onto him, then drifted down to the frame.

As if nothing had happened, Levi sauntered to the desk and slumped against its side, leaving the chair free for Hange.

"Please come in," said Erwin after a moment, stepping out the way to let their candidate past. "Have a seat. I believe you've already met Squad Leader Levi."

Hange hurried to the chair, auburn ponytail, sharp nose, eyes wide behind thick glasses. "Yes, I have. What's this about?'

Folding his arms over his chest, Levi said, "You like titans."

"Yes. They're fascinating."

Erwin settled into his chair and opened the file. "You have a background in the sciences."

"Specifically human biology, but I have a good amount of experience with chemistry, too." Hange's eyes darted between them.

Levi studied their candidate, seeing none of the obsession he had overheard in the mess hall a few days ago, when the entire table had been subjected to an hour-long lecture on titan behaviour. _Nervousness?_ _Or maybe we aren't asking the right questions._

Erwin must have picked up on the same thing, because he closed the file and folded his hands on the desk, leaning forward. "You know, Hange, I've heard rumours that titans are mechanical contraptions powered by steam. Do you have any thoughts?"

It was as if a light switched on. Hange gave a short laugh and sat up straighter, cheeks flushing, gestures animated, speech rapid and erratic. "Well, I know we associate steam with the titans, but anyone who says they're some sort of contraption is ignoring a few of the titan's basic properties-"

This was the excited lecture Levi had been expecting. His gaze slid toward Erwin, who gave him a hint of a smile.

After about ten minutes of prattling, Erwin raised a hand to interrupt, and began to go through a standardized list of questions that Levi himself had answered only a few weeks earlier. Though he supposed he should be listening and learning, Levi felt his interest waning. _This had better be the only interview we have to do tonight. I don't think I can sit through something this dull again._

"Thank you for your time," said Erwin after what felt like hours, rising to shake Hange's hand over the desk. Levi eyed the contact, trying to imagine how that grip would feel.

"What was this about?" asked Hange. "Are you hoping to set up some sort of study? Because I have some ideas about-"

Erwin held up a hand. "There will be plenty of opportunities to discuss those ideas later; it's getting late, and I'm sure you'd like to rejoin your colleagues for a drink. You are dismissed."

Once the door closed, Levi fell into the vacant chair. "Well?"

"What I expected: the passion is there, but the discipline isn't. You and I both know that discipline can be trained, but I'm not sure Anke will agree." Erwin stacked the files, aligning their edges. "Still, your instinct was good: we need a titan expert among our ranks, and there's no doubt that Hange can fill that role. No other candidates in our set of files piqued my interest, and I already interviewed most of them last month anyway, so I think our work for tonight is done." He looked up, giving a warm smile. "We have a lot of time to kill until we reconvene with the others. Levi, would you care to join me for a drink?"

The invitation was so unexpected that Levi stared at him for a moment. "A drink?"

"To celebrate our promotions. I have a bottle of fine whiskey I've been saving for an occasion like this. It's nicer than anything they'd serve us in the hall."

"Might as well." Levi willed his pounding heart to slow, giving a casual shrug.

Erwin began to walk toward a cabinet in the corner of the room, but slowed when he walked past the shelf that held the frames. He lifted the fallen frame and studied it for a moment, then set it back into the position it had been before, facing the window.

Levi cleared his throat. "Look-"

"It's okay." Erwin moved to the cabinet. He soon returned with two glasses and a bottle in hand; filling one glass, he passed it across the desk. "Congratulations."

For several minutes, they sat on opposite sides of the desk, taking small sips of whiskey. It was far nicer than any drink Levi had ever tasted, and he let the liquid slide around his mouth, enjoying the gradient of flavours.

"I wonder," said Erwin, as if to himself. "Do you think I've lost touch with my humanity?"

The question came out of nowhere, and Levi studied the man, trying to figure out his motivation for asking.

Focus returned to Erwin's gaze. "Please excuse the strange question. I suppose you haven't known me long enough to judge."

"Well, you seem human to me. Look how quickly you were able to reach through Hange's nervousness."

"I suppose." The man swirled his glass, staring into the bottom of it. "Shadis thinks I see people as chess pieces, not humans, and it caught me off guard. He wants me to reconnect with my humanity: drink with the troops, get to know them."

"Huh." Levi lifted the whiskey to his lips, insulted that this shared drink was under the Commander's orders.

"No, that came out wrong. This isn't an empty gesture. His statement reminded me that I know very little about my colleagues, you least of all." The last words were delivered quietly, almost as if an afterthought.

"So what, you want to ply me with liquor until I tell you my life story?"

Erwin gave a soft chuckle. "Something like that."

"Huh," said Levi again. It seemed that Erwin Smith socialized with all the intensity and focus he brought to every other aspect of his life. Holding out his glass for a refill, he said, "Shouldn't we start with you? At least you know where I come from. I don't know one fucking thing about you."

Erwin poured them each a fresh glass. "I'm not very interesting."

"I think you're more interesting than you let on."

Looking relaxed, and maybe a bit amused, Erwin leaned back in his chair. "And what makes you think that?"

Between the ale with Mike, the potency of the whiskey, and the faint scent of cologne, Levi's head was starting to swim. Propping his elbows on the desk, he leaned forward. "Your name. Smith. Doesn't make sense that a man of your size and obvious education would have such a working-class family name."

"Is it really that odd? Smith is one of the most common names within the walls."

"In the gutters and factories, yes, but factory families don't grow men to your size. They can't afford the food." Eyes narrowing with focus, Levi took another sip. "So Smith is probably an alias. And if you're using an alias, then your real name must be well known. I'm guessing you're from a high-class family, maybe even lapdogs of the King, but you don't want to be associated with them. Either they kicked you out, or you hate everything they stand for. Maybe both."

For a moment, their gaze held, then Erwin cleared his throat. "At this point, Levi, I'd prefer not to comment on your theories, and I'd appreciate you keeping them to yourself, if it's all the same. I will say this: the greatest threat to humanity is not outside the walls."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean the titans may be a symptom, not the disease." The intensity of his gaze was so strong that Levi's head spun, and he had to look down.

"I'm too drunk for your vague shit, Erwin," he muttered, already regretting that he had said anything at all.

There was a pause. "Levi, do you know why I asked you to join the Survey Corps?"

"Because you saw my combat skills and decided to go on a power trip?"

A blond brow cocked, just for an instant, then returned to neutral. "Your skill was an immediate draw, true, but so was your willingness to break the rules to survive. You were flying under the noses of the Military Police, using their own equipment to circumvent them. We need people like you in the Survey Corps, because we can't always play by the rules, not if we're to do what's best for humanity. But I always wondered..." His fingers drummed his glass. "Is this what you want?"

The question surprised Levi. "What?"

"All of this. Being a Squad Leader. You've paid your legal debt, and you've lost as much as the rest of us, more than some. Why don't you just walk away? I'm sure it would be easy enough for you to disappear." There was a twist to Erwin's expression that Levi couldn't quite read.

"The titans killed my friends, and they keep us penned in here. I don't care if they are the symptom or the disease or any of that: we need to kill them." Levi's hand tightened around the glass. "I need to make sure all these deaths mean something."

The twist faded from Erwin's face, his lips curving into a warm smile instead. "I know we had a rocky start together, but I'm happy you choose to stay. You have a great future here, Levi."

The fond admission made Levi's head spin even faster. The world felt as if it were tilting beneath him, as if he were slowly losing his balance. "Sentimental bullshit," he muttered, trying to regain his footing.

Erwin gave a soft chuckle and planted his elbows on the table, hands folding in front of his mouth. "Then let's leave the sentiment behind and go back to learning more about each other. I'm guessing 'Levi' is an alias?"

"Maybe. It's all my aunt ever called me." He shrugged.

"Your Aunt?"

Levi eyed him. He trusted Erwin more than anyone else in the Survey Corps - he had proven time and time again to have humanity's best interest at heart, and their shared moment after the last expedition had only cemented that. Still, there was always a part of him that was suspicious of authority, no matter what its form. Erwin held his gaze, unflinching, and maybe it was just wishful thinking, but Levi swore he saw warmth there.

"Yeah," he said, giving in. "My parents died when I was just a little kid, so she took me in. A few years later, the Military Police locked her up - turns out she had been selling illegal goods and stealing food to keep us alive, and they had been tracking her for awhile. So I fell in with a small gang instead. They took care of me, at first, and when I got old enough, I started taking care of the younger ones. That's the end of it." Noticing the intensity in Erwin's gaze, he added, "Don't start trying to read between the lines or analyze me or any of that bullshit."

"Well, it certainly explains your mistrust of authority, and of people in general." The man's words were beginning to slur. "I hope, in time, you'll grow to trust me."

"I already trust you."

There was another long pause. Levi's chest glowed, and he wondered if it was the glow from his confession of trust, or the glow of alcohol, or both.

"You have it all backwards, Erwin," he added, numb lips fumbling the words. "I trust people - not many, but when I do, I trust completely. You're the one who doesn't trust. That's why you like strategies so much, isn't it? They're the only things that make you feel safe when you work with other people. You can't trust them, so you control them instead."

Erwin's eyes slowly widened as he pulled away. He opened his mouth to reply, but no words followed.

Levi was vaguely aware that he shouldn't be saying all this, but he couldn't seem to stop. "I'm right, aren't I? You don't trust anyone here, not even me. Maybe that's what Shadis meant, that you need to trust your officers."

Quietly, Erwin rose to his feet. He took a few paces toward the window, hands clasped behind his back.

_What the fuck am I saying? _Levi's eyes fixed on Erwin, slowly trailing down the man's body, fixing on the backside for a few inappropriate moments. _Fuck, am I drunk. Such a fucking lightweight. I'm going to get thrown out on my first day as Squad Leader. _

"Erwin-"

"No, you're right. I need to be more trusting if I want to become a good leader." Erwin plucked the mysterious picture frame from the windowsill and returned to the desk, setting it on the wooden surface. He sank into his chair, his fingers tracing the frame, his face grim. "As a gesture of trust, I want to share something with you, something that no one alive knows. The details of this conversation are not to leave this room." He slid the frame across the surface of the desk.

Levi picked it up, studying it again. The frame was copper, most of it green with age, but the bottom half was polished and red. _He handles this frame a lot, picks it up and holds it._

"When I was first training for the military," began Erwin, "I was in love with a good woman. She asked me to give up my life goals and stay with her, start a family. It was an agonizing decision, but in the end, the titans won out over her. I swore, as I left her, that love was never again going to interfere with my goals."

Trying to contain his disappointment - _of course he's straight; they're always straight -_ Levi's eyes traced the handwritten text on the picture. "So this is from her?"

"No." A low sigh. "I had the right idea then, but not the willpower; my resolve was far weaker than I hoped. I managed to keep focussed on my goal for the first few months, but a fellow recruit had become fixated on me, persistently so. I resisted my feelings, at first, remembering my oath to myself, but I found myself falling for him." Erwin's eyes flicked up as he said the last word.

_Him. _Levi's breath caught, but he casually took another sip of his drink, trying to mask the surge of hope he felt.

"The military has strict rules about relationships," continued Erwin, "and neither Henrik nor I was interested in formalizing our affair with paperwork, hearings and everything else required to receive official approval. I think a few people figured it out - Mike, for one - but for the most part, we managed to keep it under wraps. Our relationship gave us certain advantages on the battlefield; we read each other well, and our presence highly motivated each other. We were an unstoppable team. For awhile, it looked as if our relationship wasn't going to interfere with our goals, that my anxieties about love had been unfounded."

He paused for a sip of whiskey, and when he began to speak again, his voice cracked. "One day, we were on a scouting mission that went horribly wrong. A group of titans surrounded our party. We tried to outrun them, but one caught my cape in its teeth and pulled me off the horse. Our Squad Leader ordered Henrik to continue the retreat, but he refused to leave me behind. He saved my life, but he died, right in front of me. If he had just followed orders...if he hadn't loved me enough to value my life above his..." He trailed off.

Levi swallowed hard, trying not to relive similar memories of his own. "I'm sorry."

"He was an artist," said Erwin. "This was my favourite drawing of his. It's so lifelike that I swear I can feel the wind under the bird's wings when I look at it." He delicately took the frame from Levi. "I can't bear to get rid of it, but I can't bear to look at it, either, so I keep it facing the sun, hoping it will bleach it away. Maybe the guilt will fade with it."

A lump was forming in Levi's throat, and he swallowed hard to try to dislodge it. Slowly, he reached out a hand and, with alcohol-fuelled bravery, gripped Erwin's wrist in a show of support.

For a moment, both of them stared, shocked, at the contact. Then Erwin's eyes lifted.

"I trust you, Levi."

"I know."

A knock sounded at the door. Levi jerked his hand away, and Erwin stood, straightening his uniform. "Come in."

Anke and Mike walked in, and Mike sniffed the air, then sighed. "Dammit, I knew I should have been paired with you, Erwin. She wouldn't let me drink."

"What?" The woman's eyes narrowed. "You're drinking? You're supposed to be finding a candidate."

"We did." Erwin swept Hange's file off the desk and thrust it into Anke's hands in one exaggerated movement. She glanced down at it, then back up at him.

"You're slurring and you smell like a still."

"Maybe we should debrief tomorrow," he conceded.

Anke gave an exasperated sigh. "Very professional. Get some sleep and sober up, everyone. Meet in my office after breakfast." She turned and marched for the door.

"What did she expect?" muttered Levi. "We were already drinking when you two found us."

"And it all went to waste, because I'm completely sober now," said Mike. "Anyone up for a few more?"

"I'll meet you at our table in a few," said Levi, even though he wasn't sure he needed any more to drink. Mostly, he was hoping for a few more minutes together with Erwin.

"Alright, I'll save you a seat." Mike turned and left, and then it was just the two of them again.

Levi looked back at Erwin and found the man placing the frame back on the windowsill.

"Look, I shouldn't have said half that shit," he said as an apology.

"If there is one person who will keep me honest, Levi, it's you: you have an impeccable ability to read me." Erwin stepped back from the windowsill, still looking at the frame. "Maybe next time we have a drink together, we'll talk about more uplifting topics."

_Next time_. "Sure." Levi waited for a moment, hoping the man would turn around so they could exchange a smile, or an awkward gaze, or anything to acknowledge that this shared conversation had been an important advancement of their relationship, but instead he kept staring at the frame, his back turned.

Levi turned and left the room. By the time he reached his seat in the mess hall, his jaw was tight. Mike's brows pinched.

"You okay?"

"Fine." Levi dropped into his seat and took a long draught of the ale.

"Looked like Erwin was getting a bit moody."

"The drink was turning on him." Levi spun his bottle on its base, annoyed that the sound of it wobbling was barely audible over the new recruits. Didn't they ever shut up?

"I'm glad you're getting to know him, you know," said Mike. "You two are good for each other. He doesn't have many friends left, and seems like you don't, either."

The observation stung. "Don't you guys go way back?"

Mike shrugged. "Only because we had friends in common back in the day. The rest of them died, so we have camaraderie, I guess, but it's not the same now." He looked sombre, as if he were about to be swallowed by bad memories.

"Don't you fucking start, too," muttered Levi.

Blinking, Mike forced a smile. "Yeah. We were promoted. We should be celebrating, right?" He lifted his bottle. "Congratulations."

Levi mirrored the motion, and downed the bottle's contents, trying to put Erwin out of his mind.


	2. Touch

_**A/N:** Thank you for reading. More chapters coming soon!_

* * *

**-2-**

**Touch**

_Not again. _Erwin struggled to free himself, clawing at the tightening cloak around his neck as the titan dragged him into the air. A howl sounded below. Twisting, he saw Henrik galloping toward him, fury written on his face, blades drawn.

_Don't_, he tried to yell, but the cloak strangled his voice. _Don't, Henrik. I know how this ends-_

.*.*.*.

Erwin awoke with a yell, sitting upright. His hands clawed into the sheets as he struggled to catch his breath.

Sharing his memories with Levi last week had been a mistake. Every night since, he had been reliving them in full colour in his dreams. Still breathing hard, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and closed his eyes, trying to steady himself. Once his pulse finally slowed, he stood and grabbed his toiletries bag. Better to wake up an hour early than try to sleep and end up repeating the dream.

The baths were empty, the one luxury of rising before reveille. He lit a lamp, then strode to the window and opened its slats, letting the crisp morning air flood the room. Settling in front of a basin and mirror, he pulled off his nightshirt and began to wash his armpits with soap and chilly water. Once he was satisfied they were clean, he dabbed on a light layer of cologne. When he did this step in his daily routine, he often thought of his mother admonishing him as a teenager: _remember, Erwin, a gentleman favours true cleanliness over dowsing himself in cologne. I shouldn't be able to smell it unless I'm close enough to hug you. _It was rare that he missed her, but he would have liked a hug right about now to help him compose himself after the nightmare.

He was just massaging shaving lotion into his face when the door swung open. Erwin turned to see Levi standing in the door, dressed only in a pair of pyjama bottoms, a towel slung over his shoulder and a bucket of toiletries in hand.

"You're up early," said Erwin, and Levi shrugged.

"Heard a yell from next door. Woke me up." A brow arched. "You shit the bed?"

"Nightmares."

"Sounds like you're having lots lately."

"You'll move to your new room soon enough, and then you won't have to overhear them any more." Erwin leaned closer to the mirror and pulled his upper lip tight, bringing his razor to the skin.

"You okay?"

"Fine, thank you." He began to shave, a bit annoyed to discover that the blade was dull. After the expedition, he would go into town to restock. Maybe he'd take a few days' leave and decompress for a bit, make a vacation out of it. The nightmares were probably a sign that he was pushing himself too hard.

Levi walked past him to stand by the edge of the bath and dipped a finger in, as if testing the temperature. The water was only heated twice a week for shared baths, and was freezing cold the rest of the time, especially during a winter as long as this one.

"You aren't going in there, are you?" asked Erwin.

"Why wouldn't I?"

"It's going to be cold."

"Always is." Levi turned his back to him and pulled off his pants and undergarments. Erwin tried not to watch, but the angle was such that he couldn't look at the mirror without seeing the man disrobe.

"Always? Sounds like you do this often."

"Waking up before reveille is the only way to get a bath without a herd of noisy assfucks ruining the peace." Levi slipped into the water, visibly shuddering from the cold.

Realizing he had forgotten about shaving, Erwin snapped his gaze back to his own reflection. He quickly finished the job and then washed away the cream, examining his face for missed spots or cuts. He could still see Levi reflected in the mirror, rubbing shampoo into his hair in a way that showcased his muscled upper back, and he found himself staring.

He forced his gaze back to his own reflection. Ogling a colleague was a bad idea, especially while standing around in his undergarments, which weren't really thick enough to conceal himself should he get too excited. He reached into his bag for his comb, focusing on placing a crisp side part above his temple.

_It's not too late to join him in there_, he thought to himself. _It's been a few days since your last proper bath, and the company might be worth the cold. _It was embarrassing how much the idea appealed to him. His imagination began to conjure images of the two of them soaping each other, and he quickly tried to distract himself with conversation.

"About the other night," he said.

In his periphery, he could see Levi turn to face him. "Yeah?"

"I got a bit dour at the end there."

A shrug. "I was saying things I shouldn't have."

"I'd like the opportunity to try for a happier conversation: join me for another drink. Tomorrow, after the expedition." The words left Erwin's lips before he could stop them. _I'm just trying to get to know my colleague better to further my professional development_, he said to himself, aware it was a lie, but unwilling to admit the truth.

Levi studied him, damp hair sticking out at odd angles. "A happy conversation? After an expedition?"

"If it goes well. If not, we both might need some company."

Levi continued to study him, expression unreadable. After a long pause, he said, "Yeah, sure."

An inappropriate warmth rushed through Erwin, and he quickly grabbed his toiletries bag, preparing to leave before his loss of composure showed on his face. "See you at the pre-expedition debrief tonight. I'll be leaving the strategy revisions on your desk by noon. Make sure you study them in advance in case you have any questions."

"You won't be at the gear check?" Maybe it was his imagination, but Levi looked a little disappointed.

"One of the perks of being Captain; my gear will be checked in my office at my convenience." Erwin nodded. "See you this evening." He stepped through the doorway.

From that point on, his day became a blur: dress, eat, make minor last-minute tweaks to the plans. Distribute new plans, have gear checked, meet with Anke to discuss the revisions, eat again. Planning, planning, dinner.

He ate alone in his office, needing some quiet time to himself before the debrief. Now that the planning stage was coming to a close, he had time to feel nervous about the upcoming mission. This would be his first strategy that didn't have Shadis' stamp of approval. While he was fairly confident that this expedition was low-risk, and that his plans minimized that risk even further, they couldn't afford a disaster. The last expeditions had been costly enough to raise a fuss among their superiors, and there would be extra eyes on them this time around, especially with the change in leadership. His constant nightmares certainly weren't giving him any confidence that things would go well.

When Anke knocked at his door for the debrief, he was sitting with his forehead pressed to the desk, taking deep breaths to steady himself. He called her in and lifted his head to greet her, and saw that her skin was so pale that she looked sickly.

"I guess this is it," she said. "One last debrief, then nothing's left between us and the expedition but a few hours of restless sleep."

"By tomorrow at this time, we won't have it looming over our heads any more," he said, trying to encourage her.

"If we still have heads." She raised a brow at him. "How the hell are you so calm?"

He thought about confessing his own trepidation, but decided his fake bravery might give her bravery of her own. "The lengthy winter has given us many more months of preparation than usual, so we have thought through every angle. Besides, I have confidence in our skills, and the skills of our team."

"Yeah, it's a good team." She didn't look convinced. "I guess we should go. They'll be waiting for us."

As they marched to the head of the meeting room, Erwin felt the eyes of the Squad Leaders and Team Leaders trail him, and without Shadis at his side, he felt exposed. He hung the charts on the wall and grabbed a pointer, then stood tall beside Anke.

As she began her speech, he let his eyes trail across their audience. Almost everyone in the room was watching her speak, but one pair of eyes met his gaze instead, silver-blue, hooded with disinterested lids and brows. Levi. Erwin had faked disinterest enough times to know the pain that could fester beneath it. _We've all lost too much. Please, just this once, don't let any of us lose anything more._

"And now," said Anke, "Captain Erwin will walk you one final time through the formation and strategy. If you have any questions about the revisions he distributed earlier today, this is the time to ask."

Coming back to himself, Erwin smiled at her. "Thank you, Commander." He began to point at the charts, explaining their strategy. This formation was similar to their long-range scouting formation, except that Hange and Levi, as the Squad Leaders with the least field experience, would be responsible for guarding wagons at the rear. Their goal was an old military silo a couple hour's ride from Wall Rose. On paper, it was a safe expedition, with a short distance, a zone that was usually titan-free, and a large forest nearby in case they needed to switch to high ground. In Erwin's experience, however, sometimes the safest missions on paper could become the most dangerous in the field, so he had prepared several contingency plans.

A couple of the newer Team Leaders had questions about their roles, and then everything was ready. Erwin let out a slow breath. The planning phase, for now, was finally over.

"Thank you, Captain Erwin." Anke stepped forward again. "I think that's everything. Does anyone have any other questions?"

_'I think that's everything?' That's how she's closing off this meeting? _Erwin side-eyed her, gaze landing on the bolo tie around her neck, the symbol that marked her as a Commander. He still wasn't certain if he was envious or relieved that all their responsibility was now on her shoulders.

"Okay, good," said Anke. "Dismissed."

The team stood and saluted, and as they left, she let out a breath of air, deflating. "Fuck."

"Everything all right?" asked Erwin.

"Yeah, fine." Her eyes ticked across their departing colleagues, and he realized she didn't want to show weakness in front of them. He would have preferred to leave the conversation there, but their safety tomorrow depended on her. If she started second-guessing her decisions on the field, they would all be at risk.

"Anke, can you stay behind a minute? I'd like to discuss one last thing." He clapped a hand onto her shoulder and guided her to stand in front of one of the maps on the wall, pretending, to help her save face, that their discussion was going to be strictly mission-related. He waited for the others leave.

Levi was the last one to approach the door. Just before he left, he turned to look back at them. There was no emotion on his face, but something about his stance looked smaller than usual. Frightened. Erwin swallowed hard, reminded of how small Levi had seemed after the last expedition. Maybe once he was done speaking with Anke, he should give Levi some encouraging words.

The door closed.

"What's going on?" he asked her quietly.

"Fuck, Erwin, I am not ready for this." Her voice wavered.

"You'll be fine. You and I were practically leading the expeditions by the end there."

"I know, but it's different now." Her fingers twisted into the bolo tie around her neck. "This thing is going to strangle me. If I made a mistake when I was Captain, it was ultimately Shadis' fault, but now..."

"Anke." He squeezed her shoulders and crouched down so their eyes were level. "When I met you, you were a bossy little girl who couldn't wait to order the rest of our team around. That little girl is still inside you somewhere. Find her."

"That little girl grew up. Saw too many people die. Do you know the average life expectancy of a Commander of the Survey Corps?"

He didn't, but he could guess it wasn't very long. Shadis had been an anomaly, the first Commander in years to live to see retirement.

"Six years." Her voice cracked. "And that's with Shadis' long reign tugging up the average."

"That's better than every other position you were in before, and you survived this long."

"I guess. Just tell me it's going to be all right."

"Anke," he said, "it's going to be all right. Just stick to the strategy and keep a cool head."

"Thanks." She cleared her throat. "Get some sleep. I'll see you at reveille."

He saluted and left the room, knowing he wasn't going to sleep. Not yet.

His first stop was Levi's new room. The furniture wasn't fully set up yet, but it seemed likely that the man, being something of a neat freak, might be cleaning the walls or floors to alleviate stress. A mop and a bucket in the corner of the room showed his guess wasn't far off, but they were dry.

Next he tried Levi's bunk, but his bunkmates only shook their heads and said he hadn't returned after the meeting. The baths were empty, too, and he wasn't in the mess hall.

His last guess was that he was in Hange's room for a last-minute discussion about their role in the expedition. As he was about to knock, he heard Hange's voice behind him:

"Looking for me?"

He turned to give a polite smile. "I was wondering if you've seen Levi."

"I saw him heading toward the stables." Hange leaned closer, peering at him. "Is this about tomorrow? Anything I should know?"

"No, I just need to speak to him about a private matter. Did you have any questions?"

"Not really, no. I don't think. Maybe. I'm so excited that I can't think straight." The grin that spread across Hange's face was so unnerving that Erwin fought the urge to take a step back.

"Excited? Well, I'm glad someone is." It was a welcome change from all the fear he was noticing in everyone else. Even he was more nervous than usual, his stomach jumping. Was everyone nervous because of the change in leadership, or were these usual pre-expedition jitters he had never noticed before? There was something disconcerting about the latter. He had always assumed that his colleagues were calm and in control of their emotions. _Humanity's bravest. Are we all just scared little children, barely keeping our fears in check?_

Though he wasn't sure why Levi would be heading to the stables, he had run out of ideas, so he decided to follow Hange's information. The walk out there might help him clear his head, anyway.

Once he stepped through the stable door, he breathed in the scent of musty hay. The full moon streamed through holes in the roof and landed in silver-blue puddles on the ground. _The same colour as Levi's eyes_. The thought came out of nowhere, and for a moment he stood and stared, trying to convince himself the thought had never existed.

"Levi?" He strained his ears to listen for any human movement, but only heard the occasional flutter and pawing of the horses. He hadn't really expected to find him here, so he wasn't surprised, just disappointed. He moved quietly along the pathway to the far exit, taking a side door.

A cool blast of air greeted him as he stepped into the yard. Winter had overstayed its welcome by several weeks this year, and it seemed it wasn't quite ready to leave them yet. He folded his arms over his chest, wishing he had brought a thicker cloak with him. The green one he was wearing now was more suitable for spring.

The moon was low and full, lining the trees and grass with a dull edge of silver-blue light. The mountains on the horizon were capped with snow, and above them, a thick band of stars arced across the sky.

Erwin took in a long breath, feeling his throat and chest tingle. Whenever he stared at those distant mountains and that band of stars, he felt a strong connection to the world outside the walls, as if his body knew it was a tiny, insignificant part of something greater. _We are so small_, he thought, _and so very fragile. We only stand a chance if all of us work toward a common goal._

A scuff sounded behind and above him, and as he spun to face it, Erwin's hands instinctively went for the hilts of his blades, but found only air instead. His stance relaxed when he saw a small form perched on the slant of the roof.

"Levi?" he called, loudly enough to be heard, but softly enough that the noise wouldn't disturb anyone in nearby rooms.

"Your fat head is ruining the view," said Levi, his voice muted by the breeze.

"How did you get up there without your gear?"

"The old-fashioned way." Levi pointed to a ladder alongside the stables. It was a sizeable jump between the stable roof and the section of roof where he sat.

"I'd be pretty upset if our best soldier broke his neck hopping between buildings while off-duty," said Erwin, though he was impressed by the man's agility.

"Maybe an old man like you would break his neck..." Despite the distance between them, he swore he saw Levi's eyes twinkle.

Though he was never one to let a dare provoke him, the snide remark allowed him to join Levi under the guise of proving himself. He climbed up the stable ladder and moved, swiftly and quietly, to the far end of the roof, then paused, sizing up the gap. Levi shifted closer to the edge, staring evenly down at him.

_This would be a stupid way to die. _Erwin felt a sudden rush. When was the last time he had made a risky decision without agonizing over it for days? When was the last time he had exchanged banter or tried to show off?

Somehow, acting under the guise of proving himself had led to him actually wanting to prove himself. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he muttered.

"Well, I'm sure the view's almost as good down on that roof," said Levi. "If you don't mind the smell of horse shit."

With a deep breath, Erwin took a couple steps back, then sprinted forward and jumped. He easily closed the gap, but as he was landing, his shin smacked into the side of the roof. He grunted and lost his footing, and for a panicked second, he thought he was going to roll off the steep roof.

A strong hand closed over his, stabilizing him. He looked up and saw Levi gripping his hand, his other arm wrapped around a pipe near the apex of the roof to anchor them both.

"Tsk. Careful." There was that twinkle again.

Erwin cleared his throat. "If it weren't so dark out-"

"Don't worry about it. I've seen you fight; I know you're good. Found your footing?"

"One moment." Using their joined hands to stabilize himself, Erwin hoisted himself upright and sat near Levi. With no excuse to keep holding hands, he let the grip drop, then instantly missed it. Levi settled to a seat next to him, close enough that body heat glowed between them.

"Didn't think you had it in you to be that reckless," said Levi, a hint of respect in his voice. "I warned you it was dangerous."

"No, you called me an old man." Erwin gave him a sidelong glance. "I can't be much older than you."

"You aren't. Maybe five years, tops." Almost to himself, Levi added, "I think."

"Our ages don't really come up often, do they? I'm thirty-one." The only response was silence, and Erwin decided not to press it. Everyone was entitled to their secrets. Instead, he gathered his lolling knees in the crooks of his elbows and let his eyes drift across the mountains. Beside him, he could hear Levi's soft breaths; his chest rose and fell in Erwin's peripheral vision, slow and even.

"So," said Levi. "Why are you here?"

"I thought you might have questions about the expedition."

"I do." Levi shifted, stretching his legs out and leaning back on his elbows. "What's this cargo worth?"

"Worth?"

"Say it's like last time, and my entire team dies." His tone was flat. "Is this cargo worth it?"

Erwin considered. "This expedition is considered low-risk, so we don't expect any encounters; our scouting teams haven't noted any titan activity in the area for the past year. As for the cargo itself, we don't know what we'll find. The silo is an old military cache, so it should have a stash of supplies that will be of great benefit - gas tanks, blades, rations. Its location was useful when the walls were standing, as it was central to several small village areas, but now it's useless where it is. We'll be taking in all the military supplies, and sending the rations into the city for civilian use."

Levi gave a low, displeased sigh. "Is that what we are now? Scrap collectors?"

"I know it seems like a small step, but every small step is important. Eventually, we will build a new trail of caches leading us toward the outer walls, and that's when we'll be prepared to make bigger moves. That's when we take back our freedom."

"And you're planning to be at the helm when we do, right?"

Erwin's gaze snapped to him. Levi stared straight ahead, eyes distant. His hair swayed in the breeze, and the moon highlighted his face in white: petite features, straight nose, narrow lips.

Without looking at him, Levi murmured, "You hate these fetch missions as much as I do - too much risk for too little payoff. When the big expeditions come around, that's when you'll truly be happy, right? You'd risk anything for freedom. Even your allies. Even yourself."

"I would."

"Good. Conserving lives is important for these shitty little expeditions, but we all know that eventually, we're going to have to put everything on the line. When that happens, I want someone like you leading us. Maybe that's why Shadis left Anke in charge: he's keeping you safe for the time that we really need you. She's good for the shit we're doing now, but she doesn't have the stomach to make big sacrifices. She'll never lead us to victory." Levi's eyes locked onto him. "You will."

Erwin's brows rose. "You believe that?"

"I would have left months ago if I didn't."

Swallowing hard, Erwin looked away, trying not to admit to his rising pulse, the warmth building in his abdomen.

For several minutes, they fell into a comfortable silence. Erwin pulled his cloak tighter around his shoulders, shivering a bit, but the view was so beautiful, the company so welcome, that he didn't have the heart to go back inside. Beside him, Levi sat up and folded his arms over his chest, drawing in his knees.

"It still bothers me," said Erwin. "Shadis saying I had lost touch with my humanity."

"Maybe he just doesn't see it. You're always asking people if they're okay, giving them advice and little shoulder squeezes, things like that." A pause. "Unless that's just an act."

Sometimes it was. The reason the statement had stung so much was because it was something Erwin, himself, feared. The more friends he lost, the less he felt. Death no longer seemed real, and the only way he could feel loss any more was by thinking about Henrik. Maybe that's why it was so difficult to move on: maybe he kept reopening the wound not out of genuine respect for his memory, but out of desperation to feel human.

"Hey, Erwin?" said Levi.

"Yeah?"

"It's okay."

"What?"

"All of it. Fuck Shadis. You do what you need to. We're all just surviving the best we can out here."

The words felt like a release. Erwin took a deep breath, letting the negative thoughts drift away, focusing on the night sky instead. For now, he would cling to this bit of beauty and relaxation.

But Levi shifted, and when Erwin looked over, he saw a scowl on the man's face. "Are you all right?"

Levi drew in a breath as if to speak, but no words followed.

"Say it," said Erwin. "I won't judge. We're all just surviving out here, right?" Besides, how could he possibly judge, in this crisp air, in the face of the mountains and the sky full of stars? Their words were lighter up here, floating away on clouds of condensation.

"Look, this is a fucking stupid thing to be bothered by, so just-" Shivering, Levi tightened his arms around his body. "You're always touching people: gripping shoulders, touching arms, squeezing hands. But with me..." His voice trailed off.

Erwin's brain whirled through excuses: _I thought you needed space. I didn't want to give the wrong impression. I haven't known you as long. _

There was only one excuse that made sense: _I can't touch you, because last time I did, I couldn't stop thinking about you. I'm afraid of what will happen to me if I touch you again._

In the silence that followed, Levi looked down, face twisting. "I told you, it's fucking stupid."

"No, it isn't. You're right." Finding all his excuses lacking, Erwin brashly decided to rectify the problem instead. His arm draped across the man's shoulders.

Levi tensed, but didn't pull away. "What the fuck are you-"

"You seemed cold." Panic made Erwin's head swim, but it was too late to retract his decision.

"You don't have to-"

"It's okay."

As the minutes passed, the tension faded from Levi's shoulders, and the panic faded from Erwin's mind. This wasn't so bad, just sitting next to each other, a little extra contact for body heat. Not as dangerous as he had expected. They were both still shivering, so Erwin drew him in a little closer.

"You're so small," he said, surprised by the narrowness of Levi's shoulders.

The shoulders stiffened again. "Fuck you."

"No, I mean that your personality is so large and your strength so immense that I sometimes forget you take up so little space in the world. You take up so much more in people's minds."

Levi looked up at him. "Was that supposed to be a compliment?"

"Yes."

"Kind of a shitty one."

Maybe so, but he meant it, every word. Levi took up far too much space in his mind, and that only seemed to augment when they were near each other, pushing reason aside. He subtly shifted his grip, feeling the muscled shoulder. _You smell like lemons and soap, and I want to sit behind you, envelop you in my limbs and press my face into your hair. I want to run my hands down the front of your torso and trace those lean muscles I've seen so many times in the men's baths. _His cheeks were warm, and he hoped his flush wasn't visible in the moonlight.

Levi edged closer to him and slowly, tentatively pressed a cheek to his shoulder.

Eyes squeezing shut, Erwin tried not to inhale the scent of his hair. "Levi."

"It's fucking cold."

"This isn't..." The word 'appropriate' died on his lips as he accidentally got a waft of hair. There was no reason left at this proximity, no logic, just a desire to press even closer. Eyes still closed, he laid a cheek atop the man's head and subtly, shyly breathed in. His head swam, dizzied by pheromones.

Levi's voice startled him: "Ever since I was a kid, rooftops were always my escape. Close to the stars, away from people. The higher, the better."

"Maybe that's why you're such a natural with the gear," said Erwin. "You were always meant to fly."

The words, like the embrace, were too intimate, but it was too late to retract them. He ached to rub his face in Levi's hair, or pull him onto his lap, or-

His eyes flew open as he remembered himself.

"This is a nice place to escape," he said, latching onto conversation to steady himself. "I tend to immerse myself in the city when I need a break. Hide away in plain sight. This feels more peaceful."

"Always wondered where you went," said Levi. "Lover in the city?"

"No, I have a small room near the market district, and it's a place of solitude. I'm not interested in love, not anymore." He forced the words out even though they hurt to say, here with warm shoulders beneath his arm, in this dizzying cloud of lemon scent.

There was a long pause; he lifted his head. Levi stared at the horizon, so still that he could have been carved from stone. Only the clouds of breath leaving his nose showed he was still alive.

Erwin had suspected for awhile now that Levi was developing feelings for him, but until tonight, he had written off the signs as his own wishful thinking. Maybe it still was - maybe the chemistry between them tonight was all in his head - but he couldn't take that chance. Levi was more valuable to humanity's fight than any single soldier, and Erwin would not become his weakness.

He cleared his throat. "Love is a luxury I can no longer have. I swore long ago to dedicate my life to titans. I lost sight of that once, and it cost my partner everything. It can never happen again: I must stay focused. Besides, it would be irresponsible to allow anyone to form a bond with me. I could die at any moment."

"So could anyone." A muscle in Levi's jaw twitched. "People bond during hard times. It's part of being human."

"Then maybe I do have to leave my humanity behind, at least in that respect."

"You do what you fucking want." Levi stood. "I'm going to bed."

Surprised by the abrupt mood change, Erwin looked up at him, brows raised, but the man was already moving across the rooftop toward the stable. "Levi."

The man turned, shoulders squared and chin high, the breeze ruffling his uniform, cravat and hair. Taken aback by the unexpectedly statuesque pose, Erwin only managed to say, "Good luck tomorrow."

Levi stared at him for a moment longer, then turned and leapt toward the stable roof, disappearing from view.

Erwin watched for a moment longer. _It needed to be said._

Now the mountains and the empty sky, so accepting earlier, were judging him: he was small, naive, worthless. His trembling hands raked into his hair in an attempt to steady himself, but Levi's scent was still on his sleeve.

With a low sigh, he stood and began to climb down the roof. If he was going to wrestle with his own confusion, he might as well do it in the warmth of his bed.

.*.*.*.

Erwin's horse veered right. For a moment, he thought the titan's maws had missed him, but his cloak tightened around his throat so hard that it jerked him backwards. Stars swam before his eyes. _Not again._

His body was hoisted into the air. His legs kicked as he fought for breath. He wrenched his body to the side, trying to twist around to face the attacking titan, but the fabric around his neck was too restrictive.

He heard a howl to his right, and his eyes jerked to the source.

This time it was Levi, not Henrik, who galloped toward him at full speed. The man's teeth were bared, brows low, tears streaming from his eyes. With an inhuman howl, he launched himself forward. A cable buried into the flesh somewhere above Erwin's head.

_No, no, not again! _Erwin writhed, desperately fighting to free himself. Above him, he heard the sound of a blade hitting bone. Titan blood spattered across his face. The teeth opened, and, freed, he dropped to the ground. He rolled onto his back, gasping for air.

That was when he saw Levi between the beast's jaws, the massive teeth framing either side of his head. Silver-blue eyes, wide and panicked, locked onto him.

"Erwi-" The cry ended in a piercing shriek.

Massive teeth closed, and blood misted upon Erwin like rain.

.*.*.*.

"Levi!"

He sat bolt upright, frantically reaching for his blades, but only found blankets. Eyes darting around the room, he saw the familiar shape of the window, the familiar patch of moonlight highlighting his wardrobe. Just a dream. He wiped the sweat off his forehead, his hand trembling.

The nightmare's grip was beginning to fade, but now memories were rushing in to take its place. He could smell rotting flesh and burning hair, see Henrik's hand jutting from the flames, clawed by rigor mortis, as if he were still reaching for Erwin, still pleading for rescue.

_You won't have to relive any of it. You pushed Levi away. That will never happen to him, not because of you._

One last time, he lifted his wrist to his nose and breathed in, but Levi's scent had already faded.


	3. Expedition

_**A/N: **Thank you very much for the encouragement and kind words so far! I was shy about posting this, so you make me feel brave! I'll try to update pretty frequently. :) Also, apologies to those of you who despise the spelling "Hange" - I prefer "Hanji," too, but I'm trying to stick to the Kodansha naming conventions for the sake of consistency. Otherwise I might accidentally jump back and forth between spellings or terms. :P Anyway, enough rambling. Here's chapter 3._

* * *

**-3-**

**Expedition**

Levi sat upright, ears straining so hard he could hear them ring. Had he overheard Erwin call his name next door, or had he dreamed it? It had sounded panicked, as if it were part of another nightmare.

He glanced at the window. A bit of warmth was already creeping into the night sky; it was probably about an hour before reveille. Normally, he would head to the men's bath and get ready for his day, but that might mean running into Erwin again, and Levi was still angry and embarrassed about the rejection-that-wasn't-quite-a-rejection on the rooftop. Still, the idea of starting the day without a bath felt wrong, and he might as well get a relaxing clean in now, because the communal bath that night was bound to be depressing. Post-expedition baths always were: blood and sweat and grown men struggling to hide their tears. With a soft sigh, he stood and, careful not to wake his bunkmates, grabbed his bucket of bath supplies.

Unlike the previous morning, the baths were empty, and Levi was annoyed to discover that he was disappointed Erwin wasn't there. Even more annoying was the persistent bulge between his legs, the result of a couple days of neglect. He might as well have a quick jerk now, since the expedition was bound to sap his libido.

He stepped into a stall, careful not to let any part of his body touch the germ-coated walls. He tried his best not to think of Erwin, but the further along he got, the more his resolve faded. Soon he was picturing Erwin splayed across his desk, frantically tugging at himself, cheeks flushed, panting Levi's name-

There wasn't even time for the imaginary scenario to progress: he went under, a grunt escaping his clenched teeth before he could stop it.

Slowly, he came back to himself, to the toilet stall and the mess in his cupped palm. Shame seeped through him. Soon, he would have his own room, and he could have a more hygienic setting for his private time - though so long as he kept picturing Erwin in compromising positions, he doubted a clean environment would make him feel any less dirty.

Once he had wiped up, he plunged into the freezing bath water and dunked his head. His eyes closed and bubbles trailed slowly from his lips as he cherished a moment of stillness underwater.

Then it was time for his cleaning ritual to begin. After he had washed himself from head to toe, he left the bath, skin red and tingling. He combed his hair and patted himself down with deodorant powder, then returned to his room. His bunkmates were just starting to awaken, bleary-eyed and messy-haired. His nose wrinkled. Soon, he would be living in his private room, where he wouldn't have to deal with their snoring, night farts and random odours.

Turning to face the wall, he dressed in a clean winter uniform, carefully tucking his cravat under the fur collar. He retrieved his 3D manoeuvre gear case from under his bed. The gear was only a contingency plan for this expedition, but he was glad to have the excuse to wear it. He had worn it so frequently before he joined the Survey Corps that he still felt naked without it.

_You were always meant to fly,_ said Erwin's voice in his mind, and he let out a huff, irritated that the man was still haunting his thoughts.

"You okay, Levi?" asked a bunkmate.

"We're about to head past the wall. What the fuck do you think?" He hoisted the case off the ground and lugged it from the room. He'd gear up in his new room, where he could fuss with the straps without disruption.

First, though, he needed some food. The mess hall was still empty, so he had a nice quiet meal to himself, washing it down with a cup of black tea. Others began to trickle in, grim expressions on their faces. There was none of the usual chatter and ruckus, and oddly, Levi found himself missing it. Silence was peaceful when he was alone, but among a big group, it was unnerving. He quickly finished his meal and stood to leave.

He was just about to exit the hall when Erwin stepped through the doorway, nearly colliding with him.

For a moment, their gaze held.

With an abrupt sigh, Levi began to move past, but a firm hand gripped his shoulder. He stopped, but didn't look up.

"Are we still having that post-expedition drink tonight?" asked Erwin.

Levi's jaw clenched. "Yeah, sure."

The hand didn't drop. He finally looked up and saw a crack in Erwin's neutral façade: a crease by one eyebrow. He couldn't decipher what it meant, but it looked like concern. _Is he worried about me? Maybe he really was yelling my name in his sleep._

"Sounded like you were having nightmares again," he said, fishing for information.

The crease deepened. "Stay safe today, Levi." Erwin's hand gave a squeeze before withdrawing, and he continued on his way to the food service line. Levi ducked his head and left the hall, cursing his racing pulse.

.*.*.*.

As the troops gathered outside the stables, Levi mounted his horse, scratching her behind the ears. Survey Corps horses were worth a small fortune: they were strong, fast and almost impossible to spook. In his early days here, he had considered stealing one and selling it on the underground market, then living like a king for the rest of his days. The thought seemed infantile now that he knew how precariously humanity clung to survival. If he had gotten rich and sat around on his ass for the rest of his life, he would have been no better than the upper class he had always hated.

So much had changed since then. Back then, he had wanted to put Erwin down, thinking him another symbol of oppression, when in reality, the man had given him more freedom than he ever imagined. Not many people got to see the land outside the walls, and now that Wall Maria had fallen, even seeing the land outside Wall Rose was a rare privilege.

He heard a whoop behind him. Turning, he saw Hange on foot, bouncing up and down like a little kid, getting in the way of everyone who was trying to saddle up their horses. With a sigh, he rode closer.

"You all right?"

"Good morning, Squad Leader," said Hange. "What a beautiful day for a ride."

He dismounted. "You're excited?"

"Of course!"

"You're insane. Where's your fucking horse?"

"Back by the stables."

"Well, saddle it up bring it over, shitgoggles. You're going to hold up the entire expedition."

Hange looked surprised. "Shitgoggles?"

He looped a finger under the bridge of Hange's prescription goggles and pulled, letting them snap back into place.

"Ow!"

"Your file said you lacked discipline, but I vouched for you anyway. Don't make me regret it."

"I'll be in position in a moment." Hange hurried away, adjusting the goggles back into place.

Levi, meanwhile, approached the wagons. His squad was assembling, so he pulled a folded sheet of paper out of his pocket and did a quick roll call. There were several new recruits on his squad; some of them looked terrified, but others, chatting quietly between themselves, seemed oblivious to the danger they were about to face.

Luckily, he wouldn't have to micromanage them. Two Team Leaders had been assigned under him, a man and woman, Dita and Ameli. He conferred with the two of them, making sure they understood their positions and had enough cartridges for their flare guns. They called him "sir" and treated him with so much respect that he felt like a fraud. He had climbed the ranks so quickly that he had outpaced both of them; if anything, he should be deferring to them, not the other way around.

In his periphery, he saw Hange approach the other squad and begin the roll call. It looked as if everything was going to depart on time.

Sure enough, the tower bells rang right on schedule. The squads slowly left the base, filing through the front gates.

The path to the wall brought them through the town, and as usual, several townsfolk had gotten up early to see them off. Levi tried not to make eye contact with any of them. Seeing either hope or skepticism in their eyes would add extra pressure onto him, and he didn't need any more; his muscles were already tense, his stomach humming with adrenaline. As a Team Leader during the last expedition, he had failed to protect his team. He couldn't do the same now that he was a Squad Leader, with even more people looking up to him.

They filtered through outer gate, falling into formation on the other side. A strange, familiar sensation rippled through Levi: he was an outsider. The air outside the wall was the same air they breathed inside it, but it smelled more pure. The plant life was identical, but it seemed foreign and surreal. This was his third time on a major expedition, and, thanks to small scouting missions, his ninth time outside the wall, but he still felt as if he had no right to be here.

"This is creepy," whimpered one of the new recruits. "It feels wrong." A couple others murmured their agreement.

Levi turned to them. "Stop making yourselves nervous for no reason, idiots. This was our land until a couple years ago."

Their heads bowed. Levi turned away and tried to take his own advice.

The morning air was still chilly enough to see his breath, but it was a clear day, so the sun would warm them up soon enough. A thin layer of frost coated the ground, restricting them, at first, to a slow pace - the horses were sure-footed and stable, but there was no reason to take any risks so soon. Gradually, the frost melted, and their pace increased.

Levi's eyes wandered across the formation. Far at the head of the group, he could see Erwin's hair, golden in the sun. He rode next to Anke, ready to act as her tactician. Knowing that Erwin was partly in command helped the butterflies fade from Levi's stomach. There was no one else he trusted to keep them safe.

An hour passed, then two, and his mood shifted from relaxation, to boredom, to apprehension. A crisp layer of snow coated the ground here, and the crunching of the horse's hooves was the only sound around them. No birds, no breeze, no clouds. Levi felt as though he were travelling in a tomb.

Then, at last, Anke shot a single white flare into the air: they were nearing their objective. Ahead of them, Levi could see a large silo, flanked by a cluster of trees. He took a deep breath and held it for several seconds, preparing himself to execute their mission.

As they approached the silo, the formation fanned out, forming a defensive perimeter, while Levi and Hange led the wagons to their target. Levi scanned the perimeter. Everyone faced away from them, sitting tense and upright, clouds of breath puffing from their faces. It was like being surrounded by a fence of breathing statues, and he swallowed hard. Being fenced in made him nervous, even by allies.

"Okay, let's get this shit over with." He motioned at Ameli's team, who dismounted and began to inspect the silo's locked door.

Hange moved in next to Levi, voice low: "The troops should be concentrated near the trees in case of an ambush. We can easily see titans coming on the flat land, but not from the forest."

"You'll have to take that up with Erwin." Levi watched with anticipation as Ameli wrestled with the lock; the woman turned back to him and shook her head, and he sighed.

"Here." He handed his reins to Hange and dismounted. "What's the hold up?" he asked as he approached the door.

"Lock's rusted shut," said Ameli. "We can't get it open. Should we try to ram down the door?"

"Let's try a few things first." He bent to examine the lock, then reached into his boot and pulled out a small knife. The blade slid into the door jam and he experimentally wiggled the latch. In his experience, the military often cheaped out on bunker security; that was how he and his old friends had so easily stolen 3D manoeuvre gear back in the day, and how they consistently had access to the gas required to keep it moving. This lock, however, had a metal flap protecting the latch, so he couldn't get a good angle on it.

"Shit." He stepped back to examine the silo. Metal, a good twenty metres tall, no windows. Two cannon nozzles jutted over the very top: an anchor point for gear. Maybe there was a hatch on the roof.

"Everything all right?" asked Erwin's voice behind him. He turned to see the Captain sitting atop a white horse, the sun framing his head like a halo. _No one has any business looking that fucking regal._

"Lock's rusted."

"Can you break in, Levi?"

Only Erwin would see his thug days as an asset rather than a liability, and Levi felt badly about letting him down. "Not without the proper tools. They've got it locked up tight." He studied the roof. "Think there's a hatch on top?"

"Maybe. Go ahead and check. If that doesn't pan out, we can always ram the door down."

Levi stepped back and engaged his gear, anchoring a cable to a cannon.

"Wait." Erwin dismounted and moved in close, leaning down until his mouth was by Levi's ear. "While you're up there, check our surroundings for titans. If you see any, and they've noticed us, follow standard procedure with a red flare. If they haven't, then wave instead to get my attention, and point in the direction. If it's all clear, fire a green flare."

Levi studied him for a moment, trying to figure out what was going on, but he couldn't find a single hint on the man's face. "What aren't you telling me?"

After a long pause, Erwin said, "Mike smells titans."

"Fuck."

"Our scouts in the trees can't get a clear line of sight. Maybe you can."

"Sure." Levi turned his attention back to the roof and pulled the trigger. The gear's mechanisms kicked into action, reeling him in, a blast of gas propelling him toward the roof. He landed on the rooftop, his boots giving a soft thud on the metallic surface. There was a hatch in the centre of the roof, a padlock holding it shut.

Even though he had direct orders, he didn't want to look for titans. He hadn't set eyes on them since the expedition that had wiped out his team, and he was afraid of how he would react, seeing them for the first time since the traumatic event. He had seen hardened soldiers sob and scream in the same situation, seen them wet themselves with fear.

Slowly, reluctantly, he raised his head.

The titans were everywhere except the forest: north, east, south. None of them seemed to have noticed the soldiers; they were too far away, shuffling aimlessly around like drunks. From this distance, they seemed small and stupid. Levi was surprised to find himself feeling not fear, but revulsion.

_We're smarter than them_, he thought. _There's no reason we can't wipe them out._

But not today. This wasn't the right place to make their stand.

He lifted his arm to signal Erwin, who echoed the gesture. Levi pointed north, east and south, then drew a path between the points, signalling that they were nearly surrounded. There was a long pause, then Erwin waved back and leaned in to speak with Anke.

The titans were their problem now. Levi focused on his next task: the hatch. He crouched over top of it. The lock here was rusted, too, but so was the latch, and it looked fragile. He jammed his knife beneath it and gave an expert twist. The entire latch snapped off. _What a piece of shit. _There was that military cheapness he had been expecting earlier.

Leaving a cable affixed to the cannon, Levi lowered himself into the silo, using the gas to control his descent. As he neared the ground, he pulled out a small white flare and held it out. The room was nearly empty. In the corner, he could see a dozen or so boxes of cannon rounds: mostly pomegrenades, a few grapeshots. A handful of rations boxes sat in another corner, along with two gas tanks, a small team's supply of blades, and some unfamiliar red boxes stamped with the royal seal.

Levi's eyes narrowed. Erwin had been talking about this silo as if its supplies would greatly benefit them. Was this tiny cache really worth risking their lives?

His feet touched the ground and, leaving his cable attached to the roof, he walked over to the door. The interior lock was still in good shape, so he gave a bolt an experimental twist.

The door creaked open, revealing a surprised Ameli and her team.

He disengaged his gear and retracted the cable, stepping into the light. "Fill the carts," he said, "but be quick and quiet."

"Everything all right?" asked Hange.

"I need to talk to the assholes in charge. Make sure these idiots are careful - there are live cannon rounds in there." A single pomegrenade could blow open a titan's neck; he didn't want to think what a whole boxful of them could do.

Hands tightening into fists, he marched toward Anke and Erwin. The two dismounted as he approached.

"How many?" asked Anke.

"Lots." Levi glared at them. "There's less than a cart's worth of supplies in there."

She paled. "What do you mean, 'lots'?"

"There's barely enough in that silo to supply me, let alone this whole fucking division."

"Okay, Levi, but the titans-"

"Did you not hear me? We've been set up to fail. Whoever told you two this silo was stocked flat-out lied to you."

She gave an exaggerated groan and clawed her fingers into her crown braid. "For fuck's sake! Erwin, can you please get through to him?"

"Levi," said Erwin quietly. "You and I can discuss the silo's contents later. For now, we need to know more about what we're up against so we can minimize the risks. How many did you see?"

"Twenty, maybe thirty. Too far away to tell their heights, but not big ones. They haven't noticed us yet, but they might if Anke keeps screaming at me."

The two leaders exchanged a long glance.

"Grab the cargo," said Anke. "Then let's get the hell out of here."

When Levi returned to the silo, the carts were almost completely loaded, the sparse supplies divided evenly between them.

"We're almost done," said Hange.

"See what I mean? There's shit all in there," he said.

"We might as well take what's here." Hange leaned closer, voice lowering. "How many?"

"What?"

"Titans."

"Probably thirty."

Hange grinned. "Thirty! What did they look like?"

"What do you think? Naked, big, dumb expressions. Hopefully we don't see any of them close up." He folded his arms over his chest, watching the new recruits bring in the boxes of cannon ammo, and sighed. They had stacked four boxes on top of each another and were handling them as if they contained potatoes instead of live rounds. "Hey, one at a time with those boxes."

"So do you think these titans-" began Hange, but one of the recruits yelled, "Watch out!" followed by, "Shit!"

Levi's eyes locked onto them.

The top box of pomegrenades was falling toward the ground.

Instinctively, he shielded his head and spun on his heel, trying to distance himself from them, but there wasn't enough time. He saw a flash, heard a bang so loud that his head rang. The ground disappeared beneath his feet, and he felt himself twisting in the air.

Then he was lying on his back, and red flares were firing in every direction above him, and then everything faded.

.*.*.*.

Erwin stared at the site of the explosion. The smoke and dust began to settle, revealing an overturned cart and a smoking pit. Soldiers ran back and forth, mounting horses, moving the remaining carts. _Levi. Where is Levi?_

"Erwin," barked Anke, pointing up.

Red flares fired in every direction above them, and he cursed under his breath. The sound of the explosion had attracted the titans. He gauged the sky, looking for the direction with the least traffic.

"Southeast," he said a split second later.

Anke lifted her gun and fired a green canister southeast. "Let's move."

He was about to follow, but as he glanced at the explosion site, he saw team members frantically pulling the wounded onto the carts, scrambling to finish before the charging titans reached them. A few soldiers used the cannons atop the silo as grappling points, launching themselves in the air to take out the approaching enemies. There was still no sign of Levi.

"Erwin," yelled Anke, turning back to look at him. "Come on. Move it!"

He narrowed his eyes and circled back toward the silo instead. Keeping a good distance between himself and the titans, he galloped past the explosion site and scanned the rubble for Levi. The last cart was just pulling away, and there was no sign they had left anyone behind. With a low sigh of relief, he rode ahead, catching up to Anke.

The Commander glared at him. "Erwin, what the hell was that?"

"Just checking for survivors," he said, yelling to be heard over the hoof beats.

Her brows dropped. "Really? This is the time you choose to lose your head? It's fucking Henrik all over again."

Heat crept onto his cheeks, but he kept his focus on the horizon.

Red flares went up from their right flank: titans were approaching.

"Shit!" Anke shot a green flare to the east, directing their course away from the titans. "Shit. This isn't good."

"Just keep riding," he said. "Trust in the formation. This is no different than when you were Captain." His eyes ticked north, east and south, over and over, his mind alert.

More red flares went off to their right, a single black flare among them.

"Abnormal incoming," he said.

"Acknowledged." Anke's knuckles were white on the reins.

Another black flare, closer. Now Erwin could see the group of titans: two normal, one abnormal, seven-metre class. Several scouts were in pursuit. The two normal titans dropped, but the abnormal was cutting through the line, too swift for them to land an anchor point. It beelined for the head of the formation.

He readied his gear. "It's cutting through our defenses. We'll have to fight."

"Too dangerous on flat ground," yelled Anke. "Continue the retreat."

"We can't outrun this one. It's thirty metres away. Twenty-five. Twenty." He stood in his stirrups, jaw set, finger poised over the trigger.

One of the scouts landed a grapple on the abnormal's neck. She launched herself at it and swung low. The titan swiped at her, but she arced out of the way, narrowly avoiding its hand. Her blades sliced into the titan's knee.

The titan stumbled and fell, and for a moment, it looked as if the problem was solved. Then its hand lashed out, catching the rump of the Commander's horse. Anke and her horse rolled to the ground, and the titan crawled after them.

Erwin vaulted off his horse. Now that the titan was prone, he easily sank a grapple into its head. Twisting mid-air, he used his momentum to curve around the back of its neck. His blades dug deep into the flesh at its nape.

The titan fell slack, and its body began to dissolve into vapour.

"Anke!" Erwin pushed through the wall of steam, searching for the Commander. He found her lying a few feet in front of the titan in a pool of blood. One leg was severed at the knee.

"Shit." He sprinted back to his horse and pulled a first aid kit out of his saddlebag, then returned to her side.

"Oh fuck, it hurts so much," she whimpered.

"I know," he said, even though he didn't. "Stay with me." He jerked her tattered pants up her thigh, looping a tourniquet above her knee. His hands were so slippery with blood that it took a few tries to wind it tightly. A few soldiers slowed as they passed by, but seeing none of them were medics, he waved them on.

"I'm not going to make it," she said. "I'm losing too much blood."

"The tourniquet's on now. You'll be fine." In the corner of his eye, he could see a new group of titans approaching, three five-metre classes. Where was their right flank? Had they all been wiped out, or had everyone moved ahead without them?

"Erwin," said Anke. "Leave me."

Ignoring her, he hoisted her over his back, struggling to mount his horse. By the time he got her settled in place behind him, the titans were closing in. He gave the horse a small kick and leaned forward, urging it to gallop as fast as it could.

"I'm slowing you down," said Anke. "Let me go."

Her grip around his waist was loosening. He grabbed her wrist, locking her in place. She was shaking, and her skin was cold. Behind them, he could hear the titans' thudding footsteps over the hoof beats. _They're closing in._

"Erwin, listen to me," she said, the words interrupted by gasping breaths at uneven cadences. "I'm fading. We don't both need to die."

His throat tightened.

She thrust her free hand into his view. Her Commander's pendant was in her palm, smeared with blood.

"Anke, don't do this," he said.

"Take it and let me go."

He gritted his teeth and leaned further forward. There was still a chance they could outrun the titans and get her to a medic.

"That was an order, Captain," she said.

He swallowed hard and released her captive arm, accepting the pendant. "Everyone will know about your bravery, Anke."

"That's what I like to hear." She gave him a quick hug. "Make humanity proud, Commander Smith."

He heard the sound of her gear engaging, and then she pulled away. He looked back to watch her arc toward the first titan, grappling its shoulder. Even with only one leg, with only one direction at her disposal, she still managed to land on its back and drop it. With a blood-curdling scream, she launched at the next titan.

She didn't make it. The titans descended on her, and Erwin turned away.

Now that his horse was carrying a lighter load, it effortlessly caught up to the group. He kept it running hard, aiming to find his place among the vanguard. Dozens of sets of frightened eyes locked onto him as he passed, but he set his jaw, gaze fixed forward.

When he had finally reclaimed his position at the head of the formation, he remembered the pendant. He had been gripping the reins tightly with the same hand; the shape of the pendant was indented in his palm like a brand. Not bothering to wipe off the blood, he draped it around his neck.

"Erwin." Mike's voice, to his left. Erwin turned to see the Squad Leader riding beside him, eyes wide.

"Get back in formation, Mike."

"Is she gone?"

Erwin paused to steady his nerves before answering, but he was surprised to find there were no nerves to steady. He felt nothing. Anke, passionate, bossy Anke, who he had known since she was a freckle-faced girl of twelve, had given her life for him, and he felt nothing.

"Erwin, answer me!" said Mike.

"Get back in formation." Loosing his flare gun from his belt, Erwin lifted his arm high and shot a green flare due south.

They rode hard for another quarter hour with no further sign of titans. Erwin slowed their pace to give the horses a break, but without the racing hoof beats and rushing wind in his ears, he could hear the wails and moans of the injured and the bereaved. He tried to ignore them, focusing on the speech he would give as they rallied outside the gates. So long as he kept himself executing a plan, he wouldn't have to consider his emotions - or rather, his startling lack of them.

Once the walls were in sight, he fired a white flare into the air, a signal for everyone to stop and assemble. The formation condensed into rows, the horses halting. Erwin studied the soldiers. Ashen, dirty faces, blood-stained clothes, stunned silence. At least there seemed to be a large number of survivors - that was good news. He scanned the crowd for Levi, but the rear guard was so densely packed that he could only see a sea of faces.

_Focus_, he told himself. He could be Levi's friend later; right now, he needed to be his Commander.

He sat tall in the saddle.

"Commander Anke is dead," he announced. "She died a hero, taking down pursuing titans even with a grave injury. She dedicated every last drop of her life to the pursuit of freedom, and her memory will be our inspiration." He gave a strong salute, his fists thudding into his body. "Commander Anke, we salute you!"

The soldiers saluted, the collective thump so loud that it reverberated through Erwin's bones.

"As we enter the gates, hold your heads high." His fists, still in the salute, were so tight that his knuckles ached. "Today, we have seen hell and come through the other side. We have lost a leader, and many of you have lost friends, but you made it through. Today, you proved that you are humanity's finest soldiers, and we shall rally stronger than before."

The soldiers roared. Turning, he began to lead them toward the gate. The bells rang, sounding their arrival.

A crowd gathered inside the gate, most of them obviously looking for loved ones among the returning soldiers. Erwin dismounted and held his chin high, not making eye contact with anyone as he lead his horse through the street. His numbness was his armour, and he didn't want anyone to pierce it. There were still a few more tasks he had to get through tonight: the Squad Leaders would give their casualty report, and he would have to submit the paperwork. That was something he had never done before, and he wondered if he, as interim Commander, had any right to do it. As soon as they arrived at the base, he would send a messenger to the Capital to advise his superiors of the situation. Maybe they could send an advisor out to help him.

Once all the necessary bureaucracy was taken care of, he was going to take a nice long bath, then have that drink with Levi and put all this horror out of his mind.

He left his horse with one of the new recruits, giving it an affectionate pat on the neck. He wouldn't have made it through without that horse, and he hoped it would be given the finest feed as a reward.

"Squad Leaders," he called, "report to my office. I'll be there shortly to join you." He pulled one of the Team Leaders aside and gave them instructions to hire a messenger in the city. The sooner they got word out, the sooner he would know what steps needed to be taken next.

When he arrived in his office to meet the Squad Leaders, he stopped in the doorway, staring.

Squad Leaders Mike and Berit stood at attention, but Team Leaders Dita and Eld stood beside them. There was no sign of Levi or Hange.

Erwin's breath froze. He had never considered that Levi might have died on the field. The man's skill and speed were so great that he seemed invincible.

Four pairs of eyes locked expectantly onto him, but he didn't want to acknowledge them. He wanted to stay here, in this moment before his fears were confirmed, where there was still hope. His numbness finally began to drain from him, leaving black spots swimming in his eyes, fear settling in his stomach like a boulder of ice.

"Erwin?" asked Mike hesitantly, the way one would speak to a person on the verge of a breakdown.

"Where are Squad Leaders Levi and Hange?" demanded Erwin.

"They didn't make it out, sir," said Eld.

"What do you mean?"

Eld and Dita exchanged a glance, and the latter stepped forward, clearing his throat. "They didn't make it out. They were at the centre of the blast, near the flank that was taken out by the titans. We recovered some bodies, but there was no sign of either of them. We presume they were eaten."

_Impossible._ Erwin's head spun. _They're skilled soldiers. They must have taken refuge, then lagged behind on the ride home. They'll arrive at the gates in the next hour or two. _He clenched his trembling hands into fists, saying nothing.

Now all four personnel exchanged glances.

"Erwin?" asked Mike. "Are you okay to do this right now?"

"Yes. Let's get started." Somehow, he found his way to his seat without sinking to the floor. He pulled out a sheet of paper, a pen, and an ink pot, then opened the next-of-kin file that sat on his desk. How carelessly he had set it out the night before; how far away death had seemed then.

The memory of lemon scent floated through his mind, but he shoved it under. He could break down later, if he needed to. Right now, he had work to do.

"You first, Berit," he murmured.

"Sir." The woman stepped forward and saluted. "Nine casualties in my squad, three bodies recovered." She began to list off names.

Erwin tried to note them down, but his hand was shaking so badly that his words were illegible. His vision began to blur. He cursed softly to himself, furious that his body would betray him.

"Here," said Mike quietly, taking the pen from his hand. "I'll take notes. You dictate the next of kin."

Clearing a knot from his throat, Erwin said, "Thank you."

They went through all the casualties one at a time, and even though the number was, as he had suspected, low for an expedition of this size, that was no longer a consolation. Erwin read the next-of-kin document mechanically, barely paying attention to the syllables. His ears were straining for the sound of bells, for the announcement that more Survey Corps members had arrived safely within the walls.

"And finally," said Dita, voice cracking, "Levi, last name unknown."

_He isn't dead. He isn't dead! He isn't- _Erwin drew in a deep breath and held it, then slowly let it out.

"Commander?"

"One moment." His finger found Levi's name and slid across it, feeling the indentation from the man's heavy hand. "Next of kin, Erwin Sm..." His voice died before he could finish pronouncing his own name. He stared at it, certain he must have misread.

A long, heavy silence filled the room.

"I suppose," said Mike, "you were the closest thing he had to a living friend."

_Has_, thought Erwin. _The closest thing he __has__ to a living friend._

He cleared his throat again. "Is that everyone, Dita?"

"Yes, sir."

"Then there's only one more person to note: Commander Anke Roth. Next of kin, a sister, Sara Roth, Stohess District." Standing, he added, "Everyone is dismissed."

Most of them seemed eager to leave, but Mike lingered. "Erwin, about Anke-"

"We'll talk later."

"No, listen-"

Erwin stood. "Dismissed, Mike."

The man's lip curled, but he turned and left the room, the door closing hard behind him.

Erwin paced toward the window and sagged against it, letting his forehead fall against the cool glass. Any moment now, Levi and Hange would ride into the yard, maybe with a few other soldiers in tow. They would share drinks as Levi recounted a wild story about their escape, and tomorrow, their lives would return to normal.

He had to be right. There was no other option. Beneath his numbness, beneath his denial, a dangerous pressure was beginning to build, and he wasn't sure what would happen if it erupted.

.*.*.*.

Levi groaned. His head throbbed, his stomach twisted, and he was cold. Something hard and knotted was digging into his back. _Where the fuck am I?_

He could make out Hange leaning over him, wide eyes magnified by the goggles. "Levi? Can you hear me?" The words rocketed through his skull.

"Not so loud. What happened?" He struggled to sit.

"Easy. I think you have a bad concussion." Hange helped him sit up, and his vision gradually came into focus. They sat on a thick tree branch in the middle of the forest. A group of five titans clawed at the tree trunk below them, all of them three- to seven-metre class.

"What the fuck?" he muttered. Had he ventured into the trees during the expedition? When he tried to recall what had happened, his mind felt sluggish.

"Beautiful specimens, aren't they?" said Hange.

"No, they're fucking hideous." Looking down was making his head throb, and he clutched at his temples.

"Easy," said Hange again. "You've been unconscious for awhile."

"How long?"

"Seven, eight hours."

"What?" He tried to stand, but his legs were too weak. "Why are we up a fucking tree?"

"Titans closed in on us while we were stunned from the explosion. The only safe place to go was up, so I grabbed you and pulled us into the trees. Some of them followed us, so I had to fight." Hange beamed. "Took down five without any assists."

"Five?" His brows rose, impressed, and a flush coloured Hange's cheeks.

"Well, it wasn't so difficult, because these titans are particularly stupid. I think that's why they didn't notice us until they heard the cannon rounds explode."

He tried to remember the explosion she kept talking about, but the impact must have rocked his skull, because his memories were jumbled.

"Are we alone out here?" he asked.

"As far as I can tell. We're about five hundred metres from the horses, if they're still waiting where we left them. I'd call them, but the undergrowth is too thick for them. I'm almost out of water, and I expended all my gas getting you here and then taking down those titans."

"Shit." Levi popped out a gas canister to check his levels: three-quarters full. He shouldn't have wasted so much gas getting into the silo. He closed his eyes, trying to force his uncooperative brain to concentrate. "So if we go for the horses from here and I carry you, how much gas will we need?"

"It doesn't matter." Hange's legs dangled off the branch, heels kicking. "Even assuming the horses are there and we make it to them, we're nearing sunset. We can't run the horses at full speed in the darkness, even if we lit our torches; they would outrun the torchlight. All we'd be doing is lighting ourselves up as defenseless targets."

Frustration welled within Levi. "So, what, we're stuck here until morning?"

"Yes."

"Fuck." Levi drummed his heels against the branch as he peered down at the titans. The light around them was orange and dimming. Soon, the temperature was going to drop even more. He didn't want to think about how cold it was going to get. The Survey Corps winter uniforms were made to withstand reasonably cool weather, but expeditions usually halted during the coldest part of the season, so they might not stand up well in freezing temperatures.

_If there are other soldiers out here, maybe we can all huddle together to stay warm. _"Are we alone out here?" he asked.

Hange was quiet for a moment. "You already asked that. Here, let me have a look at your eyes." A hand gripped his jaw; he tried to pull away, but the grip was too strong. "Well, at least your pupils are the same size. Hopefully your forgetfulness is just the concussion and not permanent brain damage. But don't sit so close to the edge. You could lose your balance."

"I'm fine." He wasn't. His head swam, and the only thing that kept him from vomiting was dignity. He also had the overpowering urge to fall asleep, but he had already lost seven hours of the day to unconsciousness, and he wasn't about to lose more.

"They're going to think we're fucking dead," he said. "Erwin and Anke are probably sending our death notices to the Capital right now."

"Probably."

"Might as well be dead. What do you think the odds are that we make it back?"

There was no response, and Levi glanced at Hange, who seemed lost in thought. At least if he had been stuck up here with Erwin, this might have been more tolerable: talking to pass the time, clinging to each other for warmth, working together to figure out a way home.

"This didn't need to happen," said Hange suddenly. "We shouldn't have formed a perimeter that thin. It left us vulnerable."

"Erwin said several scouting missions had been here before. There were never any titans."

"That didn't mean there were never going to be any. And here we are."

"Yeah," said Levi. "Here we are." He leaned forward, studying the titans. Their movements were slowing. Maybe they got tired at the end of the day, like animals. He hoped so. If that were the case, they could wait until the titans were asleep, then sneak away undetected.

His frustration began to build. The only thing he hated more than being trapped was waiting, and now he had to deal with both at the same time. He reacted by lashing out. "Why the fuck did you take me into the forest? If you had headed toward the group-"

Hange looked surprised. "We were penned in. I needed to get to high ground."

"At least if you took me to the top of the silo, we could have dropped into it for shelter tonight, instead of being stuck in a fucking tree."

For the first time since they met, he saw a flash of anger behind the goggles. "Like I said, we were penned in. Maybe I could have manoeuvred through the titans to get to the group or to the silo if I were alone, but I was carrying your dead weight."

"So now it's my fault."

Hange looked away. "Your concussion is amplifying your emotions and making you irrational. I'm sure you'll thank me for saving your life once you can think straight again."

Levi felt a wave of shame, but he was too proud to apologize. He closed his eyes, wishing fervently that he was back at the base, having that drink Erwin had promised him. He couldn't even remember the last words they had exchanged. If he had known how things would go, what would he have said? A confession? A playful insult? A thank you?

He recalled the way he had dreaded bumping into Erwin that morning, and that dread seemed foreign now. Maybe love and sex were off the table, but he was okay with being friends, if that was what the man wanted. They had bonded on that rooftop, and that bond was meaningful, no matter what the context.

"You know what, Hange?" he said. "When morning comes, we're going to get to the horses just fine. I don't care how little gas we have, or how hard it is to manoeuvre two people with one set of gear: I'll get us there."

"How can you be sure?" There was a waver to the words, and that uncertainty only gave Levi more resolve.

"Because a good man once told me I was always meant to fly," he said, "and I'm going to prove him right."


	4. Erupt

**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews and comments so far! I was hoping to finish off this particular arc in this chapter, but it ended up running long, so I split it into two chapters instead. I'll try not to take too long with chapter 5. Thank you for reading!

* * *

**-4-**

**Erupt**

Erwin drifted through his post-expedition routine in a fog. He was trapped in a strange, surreal dream: the room he undressed in, the water he bathed in, the skin he soaped, none of it was real. The eyes, staring, the soft whispers of his colleagues, all fragments of a dream. He towelled off numb skin, dressed, found his way back to his room, and then lied down, staring at the ceiling.

Always, his ears were strained, carefully listening for the sound of bells.

When a knock sounded at the door, he wondered if it would be good news, or bad news, or none at all. "Come in."

The door opened to reveal Keith Shadis. The sympathy in the ex-Commander's eyes felt out of place; emotions did not belong in this numb dream world.

"I came as fast as I could." Shadis stepped into the room and closed the door. "I'm so sorry to hear about Anke."

Erwin's head rolled along the pillow as his gaze returned to the ceiling. "We lost two Squad Leaders as well. Hange Zoe and Levi." The man's name slid between his lips like burning liquid, left them blistering.

"Shit." Shadis' face fell. He crossed the room to stand by the bed, hands clasped behind his back. "I was already sweetening up the powers that be to lay a path for research funding for Hange. And Levi… Well, reputation of his skill was spreading. The new trainees all know his name. They were calling him Humanity's Strongest. I'm sorry. I know you had high hopes for them."

Erwin sat up. He dug into his pocket and pulled out the Commanders' pendant, then held it out. "Here."

"Keep it. You're next in line. We'll start the paperwork next week."

He hesitated. "My strategy led everyone to their deaths."

"Your survival numbers were higher than usual. You didn't cause deaths: you prevented them." Shadis dropped a heavy hand on his shoulder. "You might want to clean the blood off that thing before you start wearing it."

Erwin's thumb slid across the green gemstone, feeling the crusted texture, the only bit of Anke that remained. He swallowed hard. "I need you to show me the proper paperwork to file-"  
"Later. We'll worry about the bureaucracy tomorrow. Take a night to collect yourself."

How could he collect himself when he hadn't yet fallen apart?

Shadis gave him a kind smile and turned to leave, but Erwin, suddenly remembering a question on his mind, caught his arm to stop him. "Keith. Among the supplies we recovered, we found locked red boxes stamped with the royal seal, and very little else of value. Do you know what they are?"

The man's expression was unreadable. "Tax collections. When Wall Maria fell, there wasn't enough time to transport all the wealth back to the King, so the Garrison stored lockboxes inside military silos for safekeeping."

"We risked our lives for that silo. We were led to believe that there were supplies of value in there." Erwin's jaw clenched as he remembered Levi's words: _someone set us up to fail._

"Sometimes, it's difficult to know how many supplies remain in our caches. There can be looters and-"

"Outside the walls? Besides, the locks were rusted shut; no one has been in them for years." Erwin leaned closer, brows low. "Our informant duped us by exaggerating the supplies in this silo, knowing we'd find the King's gold instead and return it. This was always about money, under the guise of being for the sake of humanity."

His mentor looked uneasy. "That's a bit of a stretch. We have to assume that the information was given in good faith. All branches of the military are working toward the same goal."

_Are they really? _"Who provided us with the tip about the silo in the first place? It was someone close to the King, wasn't it?"

Now Shadis looked outright uncomfortable.

"Keith." Erwin gave him a friendly smile. "I won't do anything untoward. If I'm going to command the Survey Corps, I have to know which sources are reliable for accurate information, and clearly this one is either corrupt or being led astray from above."

Shadis sighed. "Very well. Captain Nile Dok of the Military Police."

"Nile?" That was a surprise. Nile had been his dearest friend, once upon a time, and while the man was a bit of a yes-man, he wasn't the type to become corrupt.

"I spoke with him last month. He was going through old files and discovered several stockpiles; this particular silo was the most promising on the list."

"I see." The next time Erwin was in the Capital, he would have to pay his old friend a visit. Perhaps he could take him for drinks, get him talking a bit.

"Erwin."

He looked up to see Shadis looking at him with concern.

"Yes?"

"Don't get obsessed with this, not when you're so raw. Take a night off to grieve. You can't bottle up emotions and expect them to go away. Trust me, I tried. They just end up venting themselves at the wrong times, in unhealthy ways."

Erwin focused on the pendant, using his thumbnail to flake off the dried blood. "With all due respect, Keith, people mourn in different ways. I am no stranger to death. I will be fine."

His mentor's face was drawn, the shadows under his eyes heavy. "I worry about you, son. You push yourself too hard. You're a brilliant mind, and humanity can't afford to have you burn out."

The term 'son' and the words that followed made Erwin's throat tighten, but he swallowed hard to clear it. "If it will put your mind at ease, I'll take the night off."

"Good. Please let me know if you need anything."

Shadis left the room, the door closing behind him.

Erwin finished cleaning the pendant, then put it on. The last thing he wanted right now was to take a night off. Pressure was still building from deep within him, and lying in bed thinking was only going to make it harder to maintain his denial. He considered joining others in the mess hall, but decided he needed to be alone - everyone kept giving him those unnerving sympathetic looks.

The bottle of whiskey was still in his office, waiting for Levi's return. Maybe he would help himself to a taste of it while he waited.

.*.*.*.

Darkness was rapidly descending on Levi and Hange, and the temperature was dropping with it. Levi wrapped his arms tightly around himself, trying not to show that he was shivering. Even worse than the cold, he had to take a piss, but he'd be damned if he was going to piss off a tree branch, especially with Hange sitting right beside him. This whole situation was annoying, and he couldn't wait until morning arrived and they could get the fuck out of there.

It wasn't all bad, at least. He couldn't see the base of the tree in the darkness, but the lack of thuds below them suggested the titans had given up, for now.

"Levi?" said Hange tentatively, as if afraid to flare up his anger. "I had to kill a few titans while you were out. There were some interesting findings."

He chewed the inside of his cheek. "I don't care about your fucking findings."

"Last expedition, I kicked a titan's severed head. It was feather-light. Isn't that odd? They're so massive that one would expect them to be heavy. So this time, I chopped off an arm of one of my victims and tried to move it-"

"I don't care." Nausea welled in Levi's chest, white hot, and this time, he couldn't will his way out of it. He leaned forward and wretched. There was nothing he hated more than losing control of his own body, and when it was finally over, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Disgusting."

Hange moved to sit beside him and peered down. "I bet you hit one of them."

"Good. I hope it landed right in its revolting mouth."

"You okay?"

He glared. "No, shitty four-eyes, I am not fucking okay."

Hange's legs swung, childlike. "It's always shit with you, isn't it? Shit and cleaning. You're the perfect definition of 'anal retentive.'"

"Don't analyze me, or I swear I'll fucking jump into a titan's maw right now."

"Leave me your gas before you jump."

He looked up, surprised, and saw Hange smirking at him.

"Fuck off," he muttered, gathering his knees to his chest. He wanted to fall back into a long silence, but his bladder was going to burst. Wetting himself would be even less dignified than pissing from a tree branch. He cursed to himself and stood. "Turn your back."

"You shouldn't be standing," said Hange with concern. "You might lose your balance."

"Better than pissing myself. Do not turn around, you hear me?" Levi shakily made his way toward the end of the tree branch, stopping before it got too thin. The thick jacket was awkward to push aside, and the cold and lack of light didn't make his task any easier. He hoped he wasn't accidentally urinating on his boots.

Once the disgusting task was complete, he carefully adjusted his uniform into place. His hands felt grimy and unclean, but there was nothing to wash them with unless he sacrificed some of their precious drinking water. Scowling, he returned to his spot and sat.

"Done?" asked Hange.

"Yeah, you can turn around again." He hugged his knees to his chest, shivering. He felt a hand tugging at his fur-lined hood, and he tried to duck away. "What are you doing?"

"Cover your head. You'll stay warmer that way."

"I know that," he muttered, jerking his hood into place. "I was shivering on the streets for years while you were tucked away in your warm little university."

There was a long pause. "I didn't go to university."

"What?" He glanced at Hange, who was staring absently at the ground below them.

"My resume is a lie. My family couldn't afford to send me to university. I spent all my spare time in libraries, teaching myself."

He considered. "Being self-taught is more impressive than having it all force-fed to you, really." Seeing that Hange's mouth was beginning to droop, he added, "You've been watching titans all day, right? You should write down everything you saw. Maybe something you observed will help us learn more about them. You could come out of this a hero."

There was no response except for a tiny smile, but that was enough to make him feel a little better. The two of them didn't know each other well yet, but as stoic as he pretended to be, he hated to see anyone down on themselves.

"It's getting cold," said Hange. "Would you mind if we sat back-to-back? That way, we can share body heat without it being too intimate."

He shrugged and turned his back, and Hange mirrored the motion. After a few minutes, he could feel heat building between them, and his shivering began to subside. Body heat in the cold reminded him of the rooftop again, and his teeth clenched. _Can't you go two fucking minutes without thinking about Erwin?_

He apparently wasn't the only one whose thoughts were back at the base. "What do you think the others are doing right now?" It was strange to hear an even tone coming from Hange; maybe that seemingly unlimited energy had a limit after all.

"Mike's drinking," he said. "Anke's doing paperwork. And Erwin..." He trailed off. "They all think we're dead, don't they?" Was Erwin mourning? It was difficult to picture the man showing any emotions. The grief he had shown over the framed drawing the week before was the first time Levi had seen any sadness on his face. _How upset is he? Was I important to him, or just a project?_

"You and Erwin," said Hange, as if it were the beginning of the sentence.

His muscles tensed. "Yeah?"

"I always wondered what you did to convince him to bring you into the Corps."

Levi shrugged. "I tried to go toe-to-toe with him, and almost got the better of him. He liked my skills and my attitude."

"That's it?"

"Look, if you're going to ask me what goes on in Erwin Smith's head, I can't answer you, because I have no fucking idea." He wished he knew. Maybe that was part of the reason this stupid crush had gotten out of control; he had always been drawn to a challenge. Erwin was more than a challenge. He was an impossibility.

Hange paused, then said softly, "I thought there might be more to it than that."

Panic fluttered in his chest, but he scoffed and said coolly, "Why would you think that?"

"Well, you've mentioned his name about five or six times since you woke up. And the way the two of you interact, like back at the silo, or when you were interviewing me - it's as if half the words don't get spoken aloud."

"We work together a lot."

Hange twisted to look back at him. "I saw the two of you on the rooftop last night."

His eyes narrowed. "What?"

"You seemed pretty upset, and we've got some time, so I thought you might like to talk through it."

"What the hell? You were spying on us?" He reached behind him to smack Hange's head.

"Ow! Not spying. I'm a scientist. I observe."

"I'm not a fucking test subject." He reached back for another smack, but this time, Hange ducked out of the way.

"Stop hitting me. I'm just making an effort to be your friend."

"Spying is a shitty thing to do." Levi rested his chin on his knees, brows low. "You want to be my friend? Don't fucking spy on me."

There was a long silence, and Hange's back began to quiver against his. He couldn't tell if it was from the cold or tears, but the latter possibility made him feel awful. He gave an exasperated sigh. Maybe it would feel good to get this off his chest.

"Say I do want to talk about it. It all stays between us, right?"

"Of course," said Hange. "I won't tell a single person."

Levi shifted his legs to get more comfortable. Talking about his feelings wasn't something that came naturally to him. Growing up in the gutters meant toughing through problems, not dwelling on them. He took a deep breath.

"So maybe I care about him a bit more than I'd like, yeah. Problem is, he lost someone once, and I think it hurt him more than he lets on. Says he's afraid of losing someone he cares about, or dying and leaving them behind. Or maybe he was just trying to let me down gently."

"No, he's definitely attracted to you," said Hange. "He behaves strangely around you sometimes, like he's afraid to touch you. Except last night, I guess."

Levi's cheeks warmed. "You watch him a lot?"

"I watch everyone a lot. Scientist, remember?"

"Creepy." He chipped at a piece of loose bark with his heel. "I keep wondering how he's reacting right now. Part of me hopes he's crying his fucking eyes out. The other part of me doesn't want him to suffer like that, and hopes he isn't really upset. Both options make me feel like shit."

"Assuming he made it back safely, of course," said Hange off-handedly.

Levi whirled. "Why the fuck would you say that?" He hadn't even considered the possibility that Erwin could have died in the attack. His head began to swim. "Dammit, I have a concussion here. You shouldn't be stressing me out."

"Sorry. I didn't think. I'm sure he's fine."

Levi tightened his arms around his body, shivering hard.

.*.*.*.

Erwin ran a finger around the rim of his glass, eyes fixed on the window. It was nearing ten o'clock, and it was taking considerable effort to maintain his veil of denial. Every passing hour just added to the evidence that Levi wouldn't return. He carefully meted out another small glass of whiskey, making sure to reserve enough for four drinks each for him and Levi. After tonight, he was certain, the man was going to need them.

A knock sounded at the door, and even though he was sure the return would cause an uproar that would have alerted him in advance, his hopes rose. "Come in."

The door swung open to reveal not Levi, but Dita, carrying a box. "Sorry to interrupt, sir, but since you're Levi's next of kin..."

Erwin stared numbly at the box. It was customary to empty the bunks of the deceased on the night of their passing, but Levi wasn't dead, he wasn't dead...

Without leaving his chair, he nodded. "Bring it here please, Dita."

"Sir." The man set the box on the desk, then saluted. "I'm sorry for your loss, sir. He was a good man."

Erwin nodded again. He stared at the box until Dita left the room, and then drained his drink. Careful to save three drinks' worth of whiskey for him and Levi, he poured another glass.

_Levi is going to return. If I open this tonight, it will violate his privacy._

He took in a slow, shaky breath, then slung back the whiskey and stood. He knew, deep down, that Levi wasn't coming back. In all his expeditions with the Corps, he had never seen a soldier return after becoming separated from the main group, at least not after more than an hour or two. Soon, he was going to have to face the fact that Levi was...

Even the word was unthinkable.

He threw open the flaps. The box was nearly empty. He felt a pang of shame when he saw how few possessions Levi had to his name: a few pairs of old pants and shirts, immaculately pressed; some cleaning supplies; a few Survey Corps patches that looked as if they had been torn off old cloaks; a small, worn dog carved of wood. At the bottom of the box, he found a single envelope with "Erwin" written in Levi's heavy, childlike hand.

He pulled out the envelope and set it on the desk, then rifled through the cleaning supplies until he found a bottle of lemon soap. Feeling a bit embarrassed about it, he popped open the lid and breathed in the scent. It wasn't quite the same without Levi's scent underneath it, but it was still so familiar that tears sprang to his eyes.

Abruptly dropping the soap back into the box, he fell into his chair and helped himself to another drink.

_ Better hurry back, Levi. There won't be any whiskey left for you, at this rate._

He continued to drink, glancing occasionally out the window. His mind hovered in a neutral mode, concentrating on safe thoughts: the burn of the liquor, the sensation of the glass against his hand.

The town hall clock struck eleven, and Erwin realized the lamp was dimming. He moved to pour more oil into it, almost knocking the lamp over in the process.

Once it was safely refilled, he grabbed the bottle and, bracing his elbow against the table for balance, poured another drink. The last bit of whiskey spilled out of the bottle and into his glass.

With a low sigh, he picked up the envelope Levi had left for him. It took him two tries to slit the wax on the back flap. A letter was inside:

.

_Erwin,_

_ I'm no good at these things, so I'll just say thank you. You helped me get my head on straight when it was all mixed up. You were the first and only man I ever respected enough to take orders from. The only man I would ever consider dying for._

_ I hope I took a few titans down with me when I went._

_ -Levi_

.

Erwin drained his glass, then set the letter down on the desk.

He tried to steady himself, but he felt as if he were eroding from the inside out. Levi hadn't died for him, he had died _because _of him. Erwin was the whole reason Levi had joined the Corps, the whole reason the man had stayed around when he could have slipped away. 'Thank you' was not the correct response after all Erwin had put him through.

The erosion was close to the surface. His hands began to shake, and his eyes watered. He stood and tried to focus on small tasks to keep himself together: _move the empty liquor bottle into the cupboard. Put Levi's belongings neatly in the corner._

As he was moving the box, he stumbled. The lemon soap fell to the ground, and he realized, too late, that he had left the cap loose. Soap began to leak onto the floor. He dropped to his knees, frantically trying to right the bottle and screw the top on, but it was so slippery with soap that he kept dropping it. His breath came in heavy blasts. This was his last link to Levi's scent, his last visceral link to the times they had chatted in close quarters. The soap kept pouring out, draining from the bottle like blood.

A sob erupted from his lips, and he fell to all fours. For the first time since Henrik's death, Erwin began to weep.

.*.*.*.

"When I get back to the base," said Hange drowsily, "I'm going to make them heat the bath, and I'm not coming out until I'm as wrinkled as a raisin. And then I'm going into town and spending my life's savings on good books and mincemeat pies."

Levi grunted his acknowledgement. He was curled in a ball, his forehead resting against his arms, fighting to stay awake.

Hange nudged him with a shoulder. "Don't sleep so soon after a concussion."

"It's bad enough that I have to be stuck up here, but having to stay awake through every moment of it is even worse." He rubbed his face with his mittens, trying to scrub the fog from his mind.

"Keep talking. What are you going to do when you get back?"

Thinking about a nice, warm shelter was the last thing Levi wanted to do, but he heard a note of desperation in Hange's voice. If discussion would help both of them keep sane, then so be it.

"A hot bath would be nice," he said. "I'm going to scrub every inch of filth off my body. Then I'm going to have a bowl of oatmeal heaped with sugar and cream."

"Oatmeal? You can dream up anything, and you choose oatmeal?"

"Shut up. I'll dream up what I want." As a kid living in the streets, he had always dreamed of a hot breakfast, but he didn't owe that explanation to anyone. His head rolled back. Through the branches above him, he could see the clear night sky. The night before, under Erwin's arm, he had marvelled at the beauty of this same sky. Now it seemed empty and cruel.

"What about the Captain?" asked Hange, as if reading his mind.

"What about him?"

"What will you say to him when we get back?"

"I don't know. I guess it depends on how he reacts." He closed his eyes, trying to picture Erwin's reaction to his return, but he had no idea what to expect. It was difficult to imagine emotion on that face. Most likely, he would get a nod, maybe a shoulder squeeze.

A breeze wafted through the branches, carrying the scent of pine needles and snow. Levi shivered and pressed back against Hange.

"What about you?" he asked. "You have a special someone back home?"

There was a long pause. "I'm not interested in romance."

"Married to your work, just like the rest of us sorry bastards?" He pulled his hood further over his face, trying to shield it from the breeze. "I don't get why you're so obsessed with titans, but it's probably a good thing. No one knows a damned thing about them. I know they're quiet down there right now, but I don't know if they're dead or sleeping or what."

"Maybe each night, they go back to their little titan homes and tuck each other into titan beds," said Hange with a hint of mischief. "Papa titan reads baby titan a bedtime story-"

"Please don't do that," he interrupted, grimacing. "Last thing I need is to start putting a human face on those beasts." Killing big, dumb, murderous animals was easy: they were stupid meat sacks with no apparent thoughts of their own. Killing beasts that had communities was a whole different story.

"I was joking." Hange shifted behind him, and when he turned, he saw goggles glinting in the moonlight. "You're softer than I expected. Rumour has it you were quite the dangerous thug a couple years ago."

"Rumour? You mean, Mike?"

"He might have said a thing or two, yeah." Hange's smile glowed in the darkness, giving it a menacing air. "I only ever read about street gangs. Always wondered what they would be like in real life."

He shrugged. "You spend a lot of time hungry, stressed out and dirty. Nothing is ever permanent, not friends or lodgings or even money. You get in lots of fights, though most fights come down to posturing and yelling until one party gets intimidated and backs down, not true violence."

"But you had each other's backs, right?" Hange's hands clasped together. "Bonds thicker than blood, fighting to the death to defend each other's honour-"

"Are you kidding? Everyone was suspicious of everyone all the time. Most of us were together out of necessity, not honour. Although..." He trailed off.

"Although?"

"Sometimes..." He looked down at his mittens, curling and uncurling his fingers. "Sometimes violence is the only way to teach someone their place. Sometimes you do trust a few people, and you end up doing things for them you never thought imaginable." The breeze had been eroding his armour without him realizing it. He felt raw, exposed.

"I took it too far once," he said quietly. "I killed a man. He did something unspeakable to my friend, so I hunted him down. I didn't expect to feel so guilty afterwards. From that point on, I switched my tactics, learning to avoid confrontation instead of seek it. But there's a part of me that wonders..." He trailed off, not quite willing to admit the next words.

Hange had twisted around to lean closer, apparently hanging on to every word. "There's a part of you that liked it, isn't there? And you wonder at your delight in killing titans, if it's exposing a true nature you'd prefer to keep hidden."

His skin crawled. "What if that's what Erwin saw in me when we first met? He saw a psychopath who would delight in making a career of slaughtering things?"

There was a long pause. He felt Hange shift into position again, their backs pressing flat against each other. "Maybe he did. But then maybe he saw himself reflected in you: someone who was willing to go to absolutely any extreme to protect the things they loved."

Levi scoffed. "Killing a man and leading military strategy are two very different things."

"You don't think the two ever coincide?"

"Maybe, but Erwin?" Though the Survey Corps sometimes used violent discipline, he had never seen the man lay a finger on anyone. Not directly, anyway. Sometimes he gave the orders.

Hange's voice lowered. "I hear he used to pull strings for Shadis when it came to stubborn government officials, and no one knows how he did it. Mike thinks it was through blackmail and threats. Maybe even torture."

"Erwin?" The idea was unbelievable, but even if it were true, Levi couldn't decide if it was a deplorable approach or not. How far should a person be willing to go to ensure the survival of humanity?

He recalled that Erwin had mysteriously convinced the higher-ups to allow Levi and his friends into the Survey Corps, bypassing standard procedure. Had all that been through bureaucratic mastery, or had there been some underhanded dealings?

All of this was underscoring one painful fact: he knew almost nothing about Erwin. No one did. Levi's heart pounded. _I want to be the one he confides in. I want to be the one person he can come to with anything, without fear of judgement._

"Levi?" asked Hange. "You aren't falling asleep back there, are you?"

His eyes flew open. He had begun to drift off, carried away by his thoughts.

"I'm exhausted," he said. "Can't we secure ourselves to the branches and nap until dawn?"

"Your concussion-"

"Fuck my concussion. If I slip into a coma and die, you can take my gas. You'd have a better chance of escaping without me, anyway."

"Okay." Hange stood and began to manually pull cables out of the gears.

Levi glared. "Thanks for agreeing so quickly. Not one protest about my possible death?"

"I'm tired as hell, and we won't be in any condition to go home tomorrow if we're falling asleep on our feet. I genuinely hope you don't die." Using the cable as a grappling hook, Hange secured it to the branch above them, then locked the cable length at her belt. "There. Need me to do yours, too?"

His reflex was to do it himself, but his head was spinning, and after a few seconds of fumbling with the cord, he gave in. "Yeah."

Once they were safely anchored, he curled on his side, shoving his mittens into the opposite sleeves and burying his face in his wrists.

"Hey Hange," he said.

"Yeah?"

"If I never wake up, and you make it back okay, tell Erwin he's an asshole for leaving us out here to die."

Hange peered at him, eyes twinkling. "I'll give him your cravat and tell him your love for him was so powerful that it transcended rank and social class, and thoughts of his visage were what gave you peace during your final moments."

"Cute. He'll never believe any of that came out of my mouth."

"Don't worry, I'll take some time to refine it during the ride back. I'll probably end up throwing in a couple curses and a shit reference or two."

"You've got me all figured out." He closed his eyes, drowsiness settling over him like a warm blanket. "Guess if I want it done right, I'll just have to survive the night and tell him myself."

"Sounds like a good plan." Hange yawned loudly. "Get some sleep. Don't die."

"You too," mumbled Levi, the words trailing off as sleep overcame him.

.*.*.*.

Erwin awoke with his cheek lying in a puddle of thick liquid. At first, he thought it was blood, but then he smelled lemon. _Levi's soap._

The world tilted and spun around him as he struggled to push himself upright. His mouth was dry, and his stomach was heaving. _Drank too much._

It took considerable effort to stand. He staggered to his desk and pulled open a drawer to find a clean handkerchief. As he clumsily wiped soap and old tears off his face, his eyes chanced onto Levi's letter, still open on his desk.

_ He's not back. He needs help._

His eyes narrowed. His horse was fast, and a single soldier could slip through the night undetected. _I can be back before dawn._

He staggered to his bedroom. Even drunk, he managed to put on his gear with little effort, having done it so many times before. He grabbed a coin purse and filled it, ready to bribe the Garrison soldiers to let him through the external gate.

His winter jacket was still stained with Anke's blood. His fingers clumsily traced the border of one of the splotches. _I'm sorry. I won't let the others die._

The severity of his drunkenness didn't hit him until he was working his way down the narrow stairs to the stables; his body lazily ricocheted between the handrails as he descended. He tried to straighten out his trajectory, but his legs had other ideas. _Doesn't matter. Ride will sober me up._

Saddling up his horse was considerably more difficult than putting on his gear. His fingers felt as though they were twice their normal size as he fumbled with the buckles. He was swaying so badly that he had to stop several times to lean against the wall and reorient himself. Paranoid that he had forgotten important steps in his stupor, he triple-checked every buckle. Once he was convinced that everything was ready, he grabbed the horse's bridal and led her through the doors.

A man was standing in the courtyard, hands on his hips. Erwin squinted, but his vision doubled instead of clearing.

"Step aside," he said, and he winced when he heard how badly his voice was slurring. He shouldn't have had so much to drink.

"Erwin, what the fuck are you doing?" asked the man: Mike. His voice was gravelly with fatigue.

Carefully enunciating each word, Erwin replied, "I'm going to the city."

"Why are you wearing your gear?"

With a frown, Erwin began to lead the horse around their obstacle, but the man moved with him, staying in his way.

"Stand down, Mike," he said, trying to ignore the panic building in his stomach – _keep it together, keep it together_. "That's an order."

"You're not sober enough to pull rank on me." The man folded his arms over his chest, standing tall. "You've been acting crazy ever since we got back."

"I have to leave. They might be alive." He could feel pressure building near the surface now, the last few layers of his control beginning to crack.

"You've got it in your head that you're going to rescue them, right? Going to throw your life away on a stupid drunken hunch. You head out there alone in the dark, you're going to kill your yourself, or your horse, or both." The man stepped in closer, his stance challenging. "This isn't like you."

Erwin tried to push him aside, but Mike caught his wrist. "Please, Erwin. You already let Anke die. I can't lose both of you in one day."

"I _let_ her die?"

"Well, you won't fucking talk to me about it no matter how many times I try. What am I supposed to think happened?"

Erwin could feel his sanity slipping, slipping, fiery rage coiling inside every muscle, ready to spring. "This is your last warning, Mike. Let go of me."

Mike's eyes narrowed. "No."

Adrenaline flooded Erwin's body.

The man standing before him was no longer just Mike Zacharias, but the embodiment every obstacle that had ever stood in Erwin's way - the corrupt government, every titan he had faced, the walls themselves. Nothing was going to stand in his way, not this time.

He drove his foot at the back of his attacker's knee, zeroing in on the exact point that would make the man buckle. Mike yelped and dropped. Erwin's rage told him to keep fighting, but he ignored it, instead snatching his arm free. He grabbed the reins and began to stumble toward the gate.

Running footsteps sounded behind him.

He turned in time to see Mike's fist driving for his face. His dulled reflexes didn't allow him to dodge and retain his footing at the same time; he spun out of the way, but fell. Mike dropped on top of him, pinning him to the ground.

"What the hell's going on?" asked a woman's voice nearby.

"Erwin's fucking lost it. Go get Shadis," said Mike, turning his head to address her.

Honing in on the opening, Erwin drove the heel of his palm into the man's jaw. Mike yelled and fell back, clutching at his face. Erwin scrambled to his feet. The world swayed, and he staggered, fighting to keep his balance.

The man bowled into him again, and they rolled, the metal boxes of the gear slamming painfully into Erwin's thighs. He landed on his back, his breath knocked from him in a yell. A fist drove for his face. He turned his head to avoid it, too slowly; knuckles connected with his eye socket. Stars sparked across his vision. He shielded his face with his forearms, blocking a second punch, then a third.

Above the ringing in his ears, he could hear his attacker yelling. "-you selfish bastard! How many people have to die-"

He grabbed Mike's collar and tried to throw him off, but that only provoked another flurry of punches. Waiting for an opening, he swung his elbow at the man's face. Bone connected with cartilage with a crack so strong that it vibrated through his arm and shoulder.

Mike rolled off him, clutching his nose and howling. Blood began to seep through the cracks between his fingers, dripping down his forearms.

Erwin took a moment to catch his breath, then shakily pushed himself to his feet. "I'm sorry it came to that, Mike."

"My fucking nose!"

"Don't follow me." He grabbed the reins and began to lead the horse around his defeated opponent.

"Smith!" barked Shadis behind him. "Take one more step, and I'll have you tried for desertion."

Erwin's stomach dropped. He turned to see his ex-Commander flanked by two wide-eyed Team Leaders.

"Moblit, take Zacharias to the sanatorium. Eld, you take care of the horse." Shadis strode forward to stand before Erwin, hands clasped behind his back, face grim. "Take off your gear."

Erwin held the man's gaze without flinching, even though he could barely stand. Aside from the effects of the alcohol, his left eye was swelling, his lip throbbed, and his legs and hips were battered from rolling around in the gear. He tried to think his way out of the conversation, but his mind was still feral.

"Captain Smith," said his mentor, the words laced with a quiet danger, "that was an order."

Without dropping his gaze, Erwin unbuckled his gear and lowered the entire apparatus to the ground, then clumsily stepped out of it. "Sir."

"Good. Come with me."

"Fuck you, Erwin," snarled Mike behind him.

"Knock it off, Zacharias," said Shadis, his voice weary. "Anke's old office, Smith. Now."

"Sir." Erwin fell into step behind him. Now that the adrenaline rush was fading, his body was remembering how intoxicated it was, and it was difficult to move in a straight line. His hands were quivering, and he felt as if he were going to vomit. Above it all, he couldn't shake the feeling that each step he took away from his horse was a betrayal of Levi.

The began to walk down the hallway toward the offices.

Without turning around, Shadis said, "Which one? Levi, Hange or Anke?"

"Sir?"

"Which one were you in love with?"

Erwin's jaw tightened and he didn't reply.

"It _is_ one of them, isn't it? The only other time I've seen you pull bullshit like this was when Henrik Schermer died." The ex-Commander gave a low sigh. "When I said you needed to get in touch with your emotions a bit more, this wasn't what I had in mind." He opened the door to Anke's old office.

Erwin fell into a chair and raked a hand through his hair. His entire body was trembling now, and he felt as if he were going to collapse at any moment. Levi, Hange, Anke: he felt the pain of all their deaths, all at once. He would give anything to feel numb again.

Across from him, Shadis leaned back in his chair, his face softening. "How are you feeling?"

"Like hell."

"Here." Shadis pushed a plate toward him; it was covered in crumbs, but still held one lemon wafer. He filled a glass from a pitcher of water. "This will help."

Erwin's stomach was heaving too badly to eat anything, but he gratefully accepted the water. He took small sips, praying with each one that it would stay down.

His mentor poured a glass for himself. "I can relate to what you're going through more than you might think."

"This discussion isn't necessary," said Erwin. He already knew he had been out of line.

"No? I have a Squad Leader out there with a broken nose who would probably say you deserve a good lecture. Hell, I have half a mind to repeatedly dunk your face in ice water until you sober up, so consider yourself lucky I'm just talking at you." Shadis took a sip of water. "When I was just a bit younger than you, I was in love with one of my fellow soldiers. I wasn't present when she died; she was on a routine scouting mission, not even a proper expedition. I went batshit insane when I found out. Pulled a blade on my Squad Leader in front of the entire dining hall. We all snap now and then, sometimes spectacularly, and nothing is more likely to push us over the edge than losing someone we love."

Erwin bowed his head, jaw clenching.

"You're still wishing Mike hadn't stopped you, aren't you?" said Shadis. "You're pissed at us for interfering. What were you planning to do, risk your life for a corpse or two?"

Swallowing hard, Erwin didn't reply.

"Well, when you're sober and you've had a night to distance yourself from this, you'll start to realize how badly you fucked up. But it's okay. Everyone fucks up, even Commanders. The important thing, the thing people will remember, is how you react after you fuck up. You still have a chance to set things right." Shadis leaned forward. "Tomorrow, address the entire Corps and own up to what you did: you lost someone you cared about, and you reacted by attacking Mike and trying to abscond with your gear and a horse. No excuses, just the facts and your apology. The soldiers will respect your honesty. Maybe consider a sincere apology to Mike, too. He was just trying to save you from yourself."

Every aspect of this was so degrading that Erwin's skin crawled. He hoped he was drunk enough that this entire situation would be an empty hole in his memory in the morning.

"Come with me." Shadis stood. "I'm walking you back to your room and posting a guard on you."

"A guard?"

"Just until you come to your senses. Can't have you sneaking off in the middle of the night and getting yourself killed."

It was humiliating to be treated like a disobedient child, and even more humiliating to admit that he deserved it. He closed his eyes.

"Levi."

"What?"

"You asked if it was Anke, Hange or Levi. It was Levi." His voice cracked, and he was tripping over the words, but it felt so good to say them aloud. "You were right: trying to repress feelings just makes them erupt at the wrong time. I broke formation to look for him after the explosion. If I hadn't, maybe Anke would have pushed the formation faster right out of the gates. Maybe we wouldn't have been in the path of the abnormal that killed her. My actions didn't save Levi, and they cost us Anke." His body was trembling uncontrollably. "How can I possibly undo all that with an apology?"

"That pendant you wear around your neck is heavier than the other Commanders' pendants," said Shadis. "The nature of the Survey Corps is such that there will be many deaths under your command, and if you think about them too much, you'll be able to find a way to pin every single one of them on yourself. Don't let them destroy you, but don't forget about them, either. This is the loss you need to consider when you're strategizing, the human element I had to keep reminding you of." He surprised Erwin by pulling him in for a stiff, formal hug, clapping him on the back. "And for what it's worth, I'm truly sorry about Levi."

_He's not dead_, thought Erwin, but the outburst had completely shattered his denial, and this time, he recognized the words as a lie.


	5. Return

**A/N: **_Thanks so much for your reviews! This chapter was running long again, so I had to chop it in half. Hope to have the next half up very soon. Thanks for your patience! :)_

* * *

**-5-**

**Return**

Levi opened his eyes. Between the tree branches above him, the sky was just starting to glow pink with the sunrise. Remembering where he was, he took a moment to assess himself. His upper back throbbed, his head pounded, and he still felt off-balance. His mouth was so parched that he took a long swig from his water canteen, not worrying about rationing it; there would be more water with the horses.

He realized that his foot was numb. Further down the branch, Hange was using his ankle as a pillow. With a grimace, he retracted his leg. Hange snorted mid-snore and looked up, blinking.

He held out the canteen. "Finish what's left."

"Oh. Morning. Are you well enough to move?"

"No, but it's not like we have a choice." He leaned over to look for titans below them. "Looks like your friends are gone."

"Good. Let's hope they don't come back until we're in a position to outrun them." Hange drained the canteen, then handed it back and stood. "So: let's lock down our plan."

They spent a few minutes discussing how to best utilize the gas and, after a few quick exercises to test Levi's balance and coordination, they decided Hange would pilot, and he would keep an eye out for titans. As undignified as it was to ride piggy-back, he had to admit it made the most sense.

"Use as little gas as possible," he said as he climbed onto Hange's back.

"I know. Ready?"

He nodded. "Ready."

Hange began to run along the branch, waiting until the branch began to bow before sinking a grapple into the next tree trunk; the more time they spent on foot, the less gas they would use. At first, the trees were so close together that they were using barely any gas at all, but as they neared the fringes of the forest, the trees became more sparse. He did his best to scan the environment, but his eyes weren't tracking properly.

"Anything?" asked Hange.

"I can't tell. Hold up when you get to the edge of the trees."

They didn't even need to get that far - once the first glimpses of the silo came into view, he could already see that the area was crawling with titans.

"Shit," he muttered.

"Yeah, I see them." Hange settled on a tall tree to give them a good vantage point. To Levi's left, he could see the silo, and in front of it, an enormous crater and overturned cart. The size of the crater was so impressive that his brows rose.

"Must have been quite the blast," he said, still unable to remember the events that led up to it. He was suddenly grateful to have survived with just a concussion.

"Yeah, I imagine the pair handling the crates were blown apart, maybe a few others, too. We're lucky the cart gave us some cover, or we would have severe burns." Hange was grinning, and Levi sneered.

"Why the fuck are you smiling? People died." He dropped onto the branch and climbed forward to look across the valley.

"Happy to be alive, that's all. Any sign of the horses?"

"I only see one, you creep. Looks like yours." The horse was facing away from them, a good five-hundred metres away. Several titans wandered aimlessly in the snowy field, blocking their path. "How much gas do we have?"

Hange grimaced. "Not enough to close the distance from this angle, unless we want to risk a messy landing."

"So what if one of us goes alone, then brings the horse around for the other?"

"Still might not be enough to get that far. Think we risk bringing a swarm of titans on ourselves if we whistle for the horse?"

Levi dropped to all fours, crawling along the branch. Looking down gave him vertigo - _fucking concussion _- but his balance was decent so long as he looked at the horizon as he moved. Once he had reached a good vantage point, he paused.

"Two seven-metre classes, one five-metre, two three-metre are all in range. We whistle, we risk drawing them in." He slammed a palm into the tree branch. "Shit! We're so close."

The branch bowed as Hange crept closer; he inched over to give room.

"Well," said Hange, "None of them is tall enough to reach us up here, so we don't have much to lose by whistling. If they notice us, it might even gather them together and make it easier to kill them."

"Kill them. Without gas."

"I said easier, not easy. You have a better idea?"

Levi sighed. He stuck his finger and thumb into his mouth and blew a sharp whistle, realizing too late that he hadn't been able to wash his hands since the previous morning. He grimaced and spat off the branch several times, trying to clear the taste of sweat and leather from his mouth.

"Too quiet." Hange let out a shrill whistle that left his ear ringing, and he groaned.

"Right in my fucking ear."

"Damn, still not responding. It was right next to us during the explosion - I wonder if loud noises can damage a horse's ears?"

He rubbed his sore ear. "Wonder what that's like."

"Stop yapping. I'm trying to think." Hange stood and squinted at the titans. "They aren't responding, either. But look at how evenly spaced they are. What if..."

The length of the pause suggested they were about to try something truly stupid. "Fine, go on," he said. "Say it."

"If we leapfrog between the titans, we might be able to conserve gas."

He stared. "Leapfrog between them. The two of us, using one gear, and me almost completely useless."

"If we anchor ourselves onto their backs and move between them, we can down each one as we go." Hange's chin lifted in a look of superiority. "I killed five of them by myself yesterday, so we should have no trouble finishing off that many together. I'm telling you, these are even dumber than your average titan. They have frostbitten nervous systems or something."

Levi gave an irritated sigh. "This is insane."

"Better than waiting here to die, right? Hop on."

Insane or not, it was their best option, so he obeyed.

Not wasting any time, Hange leapt off the branch, giving a delighted noise that was somewhere between a howl and a laugh. The grapple sank between the first titan's shoulder blades, and they swooped toward it. The dumb beast barely had time to see them coming; Hange stood on its neck and drove the blades deep into its weak point, scissoring the flesh.

The titan began to fall, and they sank a grapple into the next one.

"My turn," said Levi, getting caught up in the rush. As they approached the next one, he readied his position, planting his feet on Hange's hips for leverage.

They landed on its back, and he pushed off, jumping high into the air. His mind was still playing tricks on him, trying to disorient him, so he closed his eyes, letting his muscles work by memory as he pulled into a spin. Even without the gear and the gas, he still had enough power to take out the titan's flesh.

"Sloppy cut," said Hange, running up the titan's neck to its head as it began to sink to the ground.

"No gear and a concussion." He tried to wipe the titan's blood from his skin, but it began to dissipate into steam, indicating that their platform was about to do the same. "Next one together. Jump. I'll grab your ankles."

"What?"

"Throw me."

Hange's eyes lit up with understanding.

Together, they arced toward the third titan. As they approached, Hange's body twisted away from the target, then spun toward it, whipping Levi forward. He dove for the weak spot head-first, his blades sinking into its neck like an arrow from a bow, and twisted, cutting a wedge out of the flesh.

Hange landed firmly beside him. "Holy shit, that felt good."

"You're telling me. Your turn next."

As they approached the next target, the gas sputtered.

"Dammit," said Levi.

"We're fine." Hange's gaze was focused on the fourth target. "How close are we to the horse?"

"Maybe a hundred metres." The fifth and final target was only about ten metres behind the fourth - it was still a hell of a jump to the horse. Not only that, but around them, other titans were beginning to take notice. It was only a matter of time before they swarmed. He gritted his teeth. _We're going to run out of titans to leapfrog, and it's too dangerous to run on flat ground._

They landed and executed the fourth target and, without hesitation, Hange sank the grapple into the fifth. The fourth's hand fell as they passed, nearly knocking into them, and they barely managed to dodge with a burst of air.

Hange cackled. "Close one!"

The celebration was premature: the gas sputtered, then gave out entirely. They began to freefall toward the last titan.

Levi gritted his teeth. _I'm not going to die here. _"Steer us onto its back," he growled, "and then we climb."

"What?" As their speed increased, so did the wind around their ears, and he barely heard the word.

"Climb the cable," he yelled.

Without the control of the gas, they slammed hard into the titan's rump. The impact jarred Levi loose, and he frantically grabbed for Hange's ankle as he fell.

The titan twisted, trying to find them, and Levi grunted, struggling to maintain his precarious grasp. "Climb up."

"I can't grip the cable," yelled Hange. "It's iced over from the steam from the other titans."

His grip began to slip. "I'm going to fucking fall!"

"Shit!" Hange clicked two broken blades into place and drove them into the titan's flesh, using them as picks to scale its back. The titan began to swat at them with panicked motions, visibly distressed, and one of Hange's hands slipped.

"Levi, let go. You're too heavy."

"Fuck." With his free hand, Levi pulled out a blade and intentionally drove it at a bad angle against the titan's flesh; the blade snapped closer to the hilt. Stabbing it in as a new handhold, he released Hange's ankle, then pulled out a second blade. The titan's flailing arms nearly smacked him several times. His breath came in short blasts as he used all his energy to swing his body out of the way.

"Levi!"

"Yeah, one sec." He broke off the second blade, then began to climb. When he was almost at the top, he looked up to see Hange preparing to slice into the titan's vulnerable spot. "Wait."

"What? This thing is going to smash us or throw us off if we don't take it down."

"Look around you." They were still too far from the horse, and the surrounding titans were getting uncomfortably close. "We have to move it-"

The titan began to writhe, trying to shake them loose, and he stopped talking to put all his focus into holding on. "Move it forward," he managed to yell through clenched teeth. His hands ached.

"Levi-"

"Move it forward!" One hand slipped off the handle, and he frantically swung for it, trying to reclaim his handhold.

The thrashing stopped. The titan took a shaky step forward.

Levi found his grip and looked up. Hange stood atop the titan, grinning wildly, a fistful of hair in each hand, trying to jerk its head forward. "Come on, you bastard. Dance for me!"

He climbed up the titan's spine as quickly as he could, then paused on a shoulder for a better vantage point. The horse still had its back to them, unaware. He tried another whistle, but there was no response. _Its hearing really is fucked._

"Levi, get up here and help!"

Climbing up the titan's hair - so coarse and oily that his stomach heaved - Levi braced himself against the beast's forehead and pulled at its hairline, trying to direct it toward the horse. The beast bent forward to try to shake him loose, and the motion made it stagger forward a few more paces.

"This is too slow," he yelled. He counted six other titans within range. His fear erupted as anger. "That shitty fucking horse! What the hell is the point of it if we can't get its fucking attention?"

"Unless..." Hange pulled out a flare gun and made an adjustment, then aimed at the horse.

"What are you-"

The flare canister met the ground a few metres in front of the horse, exploding in red smoke. It reared with surprise and began to back toward them.

Levi's eyes widened, and he pulled out his flare gun. "How did you-"

"Here. A Survey Corps horse won't spook, but it has the sense to avoid exploding things." Hange grabbed his gun and adjusted it. Together, they ejected flare after flare, quickly herding the horse toward them. The titan swayed and swatted, but they easily kept their balance, motivated. The end was within sight, and it was getting closer, closer...

"Now," barked Levi.

He heard Hange's war scream - so fearsome that he jumped - followed by the sound of slicing flesh. The dead titan began to drop toward the earth.

The instant the drop distance was safe, Levi jumped off the titan and rolled on the snow to break his fall. When he righted himself, the horse was only a metre to his left, and Hange was already mounting it. He put his foot in the stirrup, but between his disorientation and the horse's size, he couldn't make it up to the saddle.

"Come on!" Hange gripped him by the collar and hoisted him up.

The horse began to gallop.

Levi buried his face in the fabric of Hange's jacket, not looking back. His head throbbed and his mind hummed with adrenaline, and he had the overwhelming urge to vomit.

He felt Hange twist to look behind them, then heard a laugh. "We're losing them. Ha! We are fucking amazing, Levi."

His pulse raced. He was only a few more hours from a meal, and a bath, and his own bed. And Erwin. Maybe it was ridiculous to put one man on par with the rest of it, but he was too exhausted to care.

.*.*.*.

_What the hell? _Erwin blinked, barely awake. Eld was slumped in a chair across from him, head lolled back, snoring. _What's he doing in my room?_

Then the previous night's events slammed into him, left him reeling. Levi, Anke and Hange were dead, and he had drunk three-quarters of a litre of whiskey and then tried to stage a one-man rescue mission, and furthermore, something had happened with Mike, some sort of argument...

He gingerly sat up, bracing himself for the onslaught of what was sure to be the worst hangover of his life, but the room tilted instead. _I'm still a bit drunk. _He rubbed his face with his hands, and that was when he rediscovered the injuries that Mike had given him. Their fight came back to him in full detail. Wincing, he rose to his feet.

A small vomit bucket was by his bed, and he was grateful that, at the very least, the drink had erased this bucket's existence from his memories. That wasn't something he wanted to remember.

_Poor Eld must have had a long night._ He shook the man's shoulder to thank him and dismiss him.

He took it upon himself to empty the bucket. He braced one hand on the wall as he walked to the men's bath, his movements clumsy. Voices floated through doors and down the hallway: he must have slept through reveille. Fortunately, no one passed him in the hall. He didn't want anyone to see their soon-to-be Commander stumbling half-drunk down the hallway, carrying a pail of his own vomit.

A few soldiers were in the men's bathroom. He quickly moved to the stall and emptied a bucket, then rinsed it in the sink. Several pairs of eyes followed him, but he ignored them, focusing on washing his hands and face.

When he finally lifted his head to look at himself in the mirror, he frowned at his peaked reflection. His left eye was dark and swollen, and his lower lip was split. He wet his palms and tried to tame his hair, but a few strands kept falling into his face, and others stuck upright. No wonder everyone was staring.

A hand reached between him and the mirror, holding a bottle of mint mouthwash. Erwin turned to see Shadis.

"Thank you," he said, accepting the bottle. He opened it and took a swig, then began to swish it around his mouth.

His mentor clapped him on the back. "How are you feeling?"

Erwin finished rinsing his mouth, then spat. "I've had better mornings. Do you know where I can find Mike?"

"Last I heard, he was still in the san."

"Thanks." He handed back the mouthwash. "I'm deeply sorry about last night, Keith."

Shadis studied him. "Do you feel embarrassed?"

"Yes, sir."

"Regretful?"

"Sir."

"Good. Means you'll learn from it."

_I learned a lot_, thought Erwin. _I learned that even if I don't act on my urges, they can still lead me astray. _He felt as if his spirit had been scrubbed with a wire brush. Everything he thought he knew about his resolve was wrong. "I'm going to have some breakfast, then talk with Mike. After that, would you mind if we chatted about how I should address the troops tonight? Maybe we could start doing some of the casualty paperwork as well."

Shadis hesitated. "Are you sure you're up for it?"

"I need to keep busy." Even the thought of trying to read a document made his stomach heave, but if the alternative was sitting around sniffing empty shampoo bottles and weeping, he would gladly choose the paperwork.

"You're also going to want to start thinking about who you will groom to be the next Captain," said Shadis. "It'll be a year or two before anyone in this lot is ready, I believe, but it doesn't hurt to start training people early."

Erwin's heart sank. There was only one man he could picture as his Captain, one man who had the independence and skill required for the role, and he was dead.

.*.*.*.

"You okay back there?" asked Hange.

Levi groaned, his face still buried in the back of the jacket. About an hour into their ride, he had tried lifting his head, but the morning sun had spiked through his eyeballs and into his brain. "Is it at least getting cloudy?"

"No, still bright. We're close to the wall." There was a pause, then, "How are we going to get over the wall with no gas?"

"Do you have any flares left?" he mumbled into the fabric.

"What?"

He pulled his face free, wincing at the bright light. "Do you have any flare cartridges left?"

"I'm all out. Check the saddlebags - there might be some spares"

With a displeased sigh, he began to rifle through the bags. "Why the fuck did you bring books?"

"For observation. Would have been nice to have those in the tree. Might have helped us pass the time."

"There's only one canister in here. Black." He looked up. "We fire that, and the Garrison is going to think an abnormal is about to storm the gates."

Hange grinned. "That just ensures they're going to notice us, doesn't it? Would you do the honours?"

He used his teeth to pull off his mittens, then slotted the cartridge into his gun and fired. The canister ejected, then fell onto the grass. A plume of black smoke shot into the air, but began to dissipate before it reached the height of the wall.

"You adjusted our guns to herd the horse, remember?" he said, unimpressed.

"Oh, right."

"Now what? It's not high enough."

"Patience. It's close enough. The Garrison will have scouts stationed on the wall. We just need to wait for one of them to notice the smoke." Hange slowed the horse to a walk, guiding it toward the gate. "Just a few more minutes, and we'll be able to go home."

.*.*.*.

Mike looked up as Erwin entered the sanatorium, then quickly looked down again. He was sitting up in bed, gauze wrapped around his nose and head. A half-full bowl of broth was perched on a tray in his lap.

"Go away, Smith. I'm trying to eat." He paused. "Not that I can taste any of it."

"This won't take long." Erwin pulled up a chair and sat beside the bed. "I wanted to thank you for stopping me last night, and sincerely apologize for hurting you."

Mike eyed him. "My nose. Of all the things you could have smashed, you had to go for my fucking nose. The medics say it's going to be a couple weeks for the swelling to go down enough for me to smell anything."

_I didn't do it intentionally; I was drunk_, was the first phrase that rose in Erwin's mind, but he remembered Shadis' advice from the night before: no excuses. "I'm truly, deeply sorry, Mike. You were only trying to protect me, and I had no right to react the way I did."

There was a long pause, then the man sighed. "I was drunk, too, and I was taking Anke's death pretty hard. You weren't the only one who snapped. I was trying to pick a fight." He held out a hand. "Out of our class, it's just you, me and Nile now. We need to be on the same team."

Erwin accepted his hand and shook it. "Yes, we do." _Let's hope Nile knows that._

Bells sounded from the Garrison post at the wall.

"What the hell?" muttered Mike, turning to look at the window. "Are we under attack?"

"No." Erwin slowly rose to his feet, gaze fixed on the window. "They'd be mobilizing us already if that were the case. I should go see what's going on."

_Don't get your hopes up. What you want is impossible,_ he told himself, but his hopes were already soaring.

He left the room and marched down the hallway, then took the stairs to the yard two at a time, stumbling a couple times in the process. Other soldiers were gathering in the yard, too, puzzled looks on their faces.

"Sir-" said Moblit, but Erwin cut him off.

"Everyone, stand back. Open the gates." He strode forward, dizzy with hope, and stood in front of the wooden gates that closed off the Survey Corps compound.

The gates slowly parted. Erwin's breath caught.

At the end of the street was the impossible: Hange and Levi on horseback, alive.

He stepped forward to greet them, chin high, eyes filling with tears.

.*.*.*.

"We made it," cried Hange as they approached the compound gates. "I can't believe it, Levi - we actually made it! We are unstoppable."

He was silent, his gaze fixed on the only thing that mattered: Erwin.

Erwin looked like a shell of the man he had been when they had last met. His golden hair was dishevelled, and his face was bruised. All his usual control had been sapped from his face, leaving his brows pinched, his eyes glossy. _Levi_, he mouthed, as if testing out the word, as if he weren't sure he trusted his eyes.

Levi responded with a brief nod.

Erwin's mouth closed and his throat bobbed, and that was when Levi noticed the Commander's pendant around his neck.

The horse came to a halt. The pair dismounted, standing before their new Commander. Around them, dozens of their colleagues stared at them with wide eyes and slack jaws.

"Welcome back from the dead," said Erwin, his voice cracking. "I imagine you both have quite a tale to tell." He turned to Hange in acknowledgement, but then his gaze drifted back to Levi, who found he couldn't look away. The bruising and burst blood vessels in one eye made the blue of Erwin's iris glow in contrast. _I forgot how blue they are, like the sky outside Wall Maria. And just as unreachable_. He added the last part out of habit, but the way the man was looking at him now, he wasn't so sure.

"We're very happy to be here," said Hange. Levi opened his mouth to echo the sentiment, but he couldn't find his voice.

Erwin clasped his hands behind his back and stood tall. "Levi, come with me for a quick debrief on our situation. Hange, it will be your turn next."

"What?" said Hange. "Can't it wait? He needs medical attention, and food, and water-"

"It won't take long." The man spun on his heel and began to march away. Levi turned to follow.

"Levi, you need-" began Hange.

"I'll be fine. You go get what you need." The food and all the rest of it could wait: above all of it, he needed a moment with Erwin in private. He still didn't know what he was going to say, but he couldn't just shrug off their reunion.

As they walked down the hallway, he noticed that Erwin was shuffling a little, one hand trailing the wall. The scent of day-old alcohol wafted behind him, making Levi's nose wrinkle.

"You okay?" he asked. "You look a little roughed up."

"Had a bit of a difficult night. I imagine yours was worse, so I won't complain."

Levi hesitated, then said, "You're wearing the Commander's pendant."

"Dead," said Erwin before he even had the chance to ask the question.

"Shit."

"We'll talk more about that during your debrief." He opened the door of his office, ushering Levi through and closing it behind them.

The first thing Levi noticed was the empty soap bottle on the floor, surrounded by a caking pool of yellow liquid. "What the hell? My soap!" He hurried forward and dropped to one knee, picking up the bottle. "That shit was expensive. I'm gone one fucking night-"

"Levi."

He turned to see Erwin standing by the doorway, hands clenched in fists at his sides. He looked as if he were about to say something, but then he closed his mouth again, a pained expression on his face.

_He's at a loss for words._ Levi slowly stood and turned to face him, hoping to rescue him with words of his own, but his mouth was suddenly too dry to speak.

Erwin took a couple steps toward him, then stopped. "I thought..." He chest rose, then fell.

For a long moment, they watched each other, unmoving.

Slowly, Erwin paced up to him. He placed a trembling hand on each side of Levi's jaw, the motion far too intimate to be platonic. They were close enough that Levi could smell mint and alcohol on the breaths that puffed across his skin. He felt the warmth of the man's palms, the strength of his grip, and his eyelids began to droop.

Then Erwin lunged down, his mouth pressing against Levi's.

The angle was all wrong: their noses mashed together, their mouths didn't quite line up, teeth dug into his lips, and stubble scraped his skin. On top of that, Levi's head was throbbing, and he wasn't sure which of the two of them smelled worse. It was, technically speaking, the worst kiss he had ever experienced.

So why were his knees giving out? Why were his eyes fluttering closed? He felt a rush of adoration for this man and his clumsy, honest, face-mashing kiss.

Erwin began to pull away, but Levi caught his collar, tugging him back in. This time, their heads tilted, and their lips met at a better angle. Warmth rose to Levi's cheeks, settled between his legs, and he ran his tongue across the split lower lip, tasting the metallic tang of old blood. Their mouths parted, the tips of their tongues brushing. Erwin gave a low groan, and his hands released Levi's jaw to rake into his hair.

A knock sounded at the door.

Erwin broke the kiss and barely pulled away, their foreheads still touching. For a moment, they waited, frozen in position and breathing hard.

_Go away,_ thought Levi. _Don't give us time to second-guess this. Please, just go away._

Another knock.

"I'm so sorry, Levi," whispered Erwin.

"Wait-"

But the man had already pulled away, striding for the door.

_Sorry for the kiss, or for the interruption? _Levi angrily adjusted the front of his pants, swearing he was going to cut down the intruder.

"Sir," said Hange's voice when the door opened. "I really must insist you don't speak with Squad Leader Levi just yet. He has a severe concussion, so he should avoid stressful environments. He needs food and water. If you want someone to fill you in, I can take his place. He was unconscious for the majority of it, anyway, and it was my decision to go for the trees that caused us to be cut off from the group-"

"That's enough for now, Hange, thank you," said Erwin, "but you make a good point. I should let both of you settle in before we discuss any of this further. Please excuse my enthusiasm." He turned back. "Squad Leader Levi, you are dismissed." His face was back in its default neutral expression.

_The least you could do is look disappointed, jackass. _"Fine," said Levi, annoyed at both of them. He shoved his hands into his pockets, then marched through the door and down the hall, not looking back. He didn't want to try to scrutinize that unreadable face one moment longer.

Hange hurried to keep up. "You know, irritation can be a sign of a worsening concussion-"

Levi whirled. "Idiot. Next time, think about what you might be interrupting before you knock."

His words were met with a blank stare at first, but then Hange's eyes slowly widened. "Oh. _Oh."_

He whirled and continued his march down the hall. He heard Hange calling his name, but he was too frustrated to reply.

His footsteps finally slowed when he reached the sanatorium. Mike sat on a bed in the corner, his face heavily bandaged. The man looked up at them, and his mouth dropped.

"Holy hell, you guys are alive?"

"Takes more than an explosion, a night of exposure and a few titans to kill us." Levi sat beside the bed. "What happened to your face?"

Mike grimaced. "You'll have to ask Erwin."

"Right, during one of those personal, revealing discussions he's so famous for." The kiss began to replay in his mind, but he shoved it away. His pants were fitting poorly enough as it was, and he didn't want to frustrate himself even more.

"Hey," said Hange. "Enough talking. You need medical attention."

Levi sighed - the words were true enough, but he was still ticked off about the interruption. "Fine."

And so, he submitted to a long series of medical tests that told him exactly what he already knew: he had a concussion, and he needed to take it easy while he recovered, and other than that and a bit of dehydration, he was fine. The medic gave him some wafers and a salted lemonade to sip until dinner to help his body recover.

He thought about asking Mike for more information about his injuries, but the man had already been discharged. Hange sat on the bed instead, holding a jar of yellow liquid.

"You got this gross lemonade too, eh, Levi?"

He frowned and turned away.

"Aw, come on." He could hear guilt in Hange's voice. "I didn't mean to interrupt. At least now you know Erwin is interested in-"

He whirled to grab the other's collar. "You agreed that not one single soul would hear about what we discussed in that tree," he said, his voice low and dangerous, "so I suggest you stop that sentence right there."

Hange blinked. "You seem tense. Maybe you should go take a bath and relax."

As annoyed as he was, the suggestion was a good one. He had been planning to have a bath next, anyway.

When he went to change, he was surprised to discover he had been moved into his new room. His furniture had been set up - all wrong, but the thought was nice - and his belongings were neatly stacked on the bedside table. An unfamiliar bottle of soap sat on the bed, a note attached:

_I'll buy you a new bottle of soap when I'm in town next; until then, borrow one of mine. -ES_

With his free hand, Levi popped the cap and held it to his nose. It smelled like blond hair and thick eyebrows. Erwin couldn't be too regretful about the kiss if he was setting up Levi's room and giving him soap, could he?

When he entered the men's bath, he found another surprise: the water was heated, even though it wasn't a scheduled bath day. Had Erwin arranged this, too? A heated bath all to himself was the greatest reward he could have hoped for after his ordeal. He stripped and sank under the water. When he resurfaced, he already felt more relaxed. Normally, he would be in a rush to wash himself, but the bath was such a lovely contrast from the cold tree branch that he decided to take his time.

He had just started to soap his hair when the door opened, and Erwin stepped into the room. Their eyes locked.

"My apologies for interrupting," said Erwin, moving to step back through the door. "I expected you to still be in the san."

"No, come in. Unless you're here to take a giant shit."

"Just brushing my teeth." The Commander approached the sink, pulling a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag. "Is the bath heated to your liking?" He leaned forward to peer at his reflection in the mirror, touching his black eye.

"Not bad. You should join me." The words felt too forward, so Levi added, "You smell like shit. How much did you drink last night?"

"It's that obvious, is it?" Erwin frowned at his reflection, then began to ready his toothbrush. "I'm embarrassed to admit I finished off that entire bottle of whiskey. Our drink will have to wait for another day, I'm afraid."

Given how rarely the man drank, he must have had one hell of a night. Levi was beginning to understand where those mysterious injuries might have come from. "Well, I can smell it on you from here, and there's plenty of room in here."

Erwin finally looked at him. "I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Shadis is here to help with my transition to Commander, and there are a few duties we need to attend to before dinner." He seemed to be reaching for an excuse.

_He regrets the kiss. _Levi turned away, folding his arms over his chest. "I get it."

A sigh. "Levi..."

"No, I get it."

Erwin watched him for a moment longer, then started to brush his teeth.

Levi sank into the water until his bottom lip skimmed the surface. "We're just going to pretend it didn't happen, right?" he muttered, wondering how he ever expected anything more out of the closed and unreadable Erwin Smith.

The man cast him a sideways glance, but didn't reply.

Levi's instincts told him to sulk, but instead he returned to washing himself, trying to pretend nothing unusual had happened. A few minutes later, he heard movement to the corner of the room, then the sound of clothing being removed, but even though he was surprised, he didn't turn around. As Erwin slipped into the water beside him, Levi caught a glimpse of broad purple bruises in his periphery. He stared. The man's hips and thighs were thoroughly battered.

"Titan?" he asked.

"No."

"Mike?"

There was no reply. Levi couldn't shake the feeling that whatever happened between them was somehow connected to his disappearance.

Erwin sat on the bench across from him, his arms draping across the tub ledge in what was probably meant to be a casual pose, but ended up displaying his musculature. Levi subtly studied him. The man was so tall that the water only reached his breastbone, and his strong chest was lightly covered with coarse blond hair. His head lolled back against the wall. Even his throat was appealling, the lines of his neck swooping gracefully toward his jaw.

The urge to crawl onto his lap and start kissing that beautiful neck was strong, and Levi felt his cheeks darken. He gave a frustrated sigh. "Fucking talk to me, Erwin. We're two grown men, so let's discuss this like adults."

Slowly, the man lowered his chin to meet his gaze. "All right. Where did you want to start?"

"Where the hell do you think?" For a moment, Levi felt his bravery wavering, but he steeled himself. _If you can face down a group of titans, you can face down this blond bastard._ "I'm getting mixed messages. First you're holding me on the rooftop, then you're telling me you can't be with anyone, then you kiss me, then you try to play it off like nothing ever happened. Make up your fucking mind. Do you want me or not?"

"Of course I do," said Erwin quietly.

The direct answer was so unexpected that Levi's breath froze, and his chest ached, and even as exhausted as he was, he felt a surge of energy. The words replayed in his mind, and he scrutinized them, certain he must have misheard.

"You do," he repeated.

"Of course." The man's cheeks were darkening, but his expression stayed placid. "Someone like you draws admirers: agile, intelligent, feisty and pleasant to look at. My admiration or you has been evolving in ways it shouldn't."

Levi's heart pounded; he was having a difficult time processing everything he was hearing, and he wasn't sure if that was from the concussion or from shock. "What do you mean, 'shouldn't?"

"You want to discuss this like adults, so let's look at our situation objectively." Erwin leaned forward. "I'm your Commander now, Levi, and you're clearly the best candidate for a future Captain position. If word of favouritism were to get out, it could undermine our credibility. We are in a fight for survival above all else, and that fight must always come first. If we are to lead the Survey Corps, we must have unconditional respect." His gaze dropped. "And on a more subjective note, the last man I loved died. Love makes people make poor decisions. In our line of work, that's something we must avoid at all costs."

_Love._ The word made Levi's heart race, even though the context was less than ideal. "You think you're the only one who's lost someone they loved?" He felt himself getting angry the excuse kept coming up. "My first partner was killed in a fight with the Military Police. My second abandoned me and never resurfaced. You'll never see me using either of those as a reason to shut myself off." His eyes narrowed. "I know you had a pampered upbringing, so death might have been a shock to you when you finally had to face it, but for some of us, loss has always been a fact of life. You can't let one person's death completely change y-" He abruptly stopped himself.

The Commander's eyes were wide, his jaw clenched. Slowly, he leaned back against the wall of the bath, his face stony. Even though they were on opposite sides of the bath, Levi felt as though the man were looming over him.

_Shit, I crossed a line._ What was it about speaking with Erwin that made him aggressive? He seemed to bury his foot in his mouth every time they spoke. Not quite sure what to say to undo the damage, Levi waited for a response, his heart pounding.

Erwin's voice was very quiet. "Do not assume I knew nothing of death before I joined the Survey Corps. Last week, you guessed that my life was more interesting than I let on, and you were correct, but do not confuse 'interesting' with 'easy.' The two rarely coincide."

"The medics warned me that I might be more irritable than usual because of the concussion," said Levi quietly, the closest he could come to an apology.

There was an agonizing pause, then Erwin's face relaxed and his eyes came back into focus. "I suppose my refusal to disclose my past opens up my history for misinterpretation, doesn't it? You're correct that I have let the past impact the present more than I should. But I'm not quite ready to let go of what happened with Henrik, not yet, and I need you to understand that. Once I have an idea in my head, it's very difficult to dislodge."

"So that's it, then?" said Levi. "One shitty kiss, and we both move on with our lives like nothing happened?"

A brow cocked. "Shitty?"

"Yes, shitty. You stank, and I stank, and I ended up getting more nose than mouth."

Erwin looked a little offended, but only said, "I don't see any option other than denial." His fingers absently traced his bruised eye.

"Did your denial have anything to do with that bruise?"

A pause. "I will be making a public apology at dinner about the events that led to my injuries, so you'll learn more then."

"Public apology? It was that bad?"

Erwin looked down, visibly uncomfortable. "I did not take the news of your death with grace."

In all the scenarios Levi had imagined when he pictured the man's reaction to his death, nothing came close to whatever scuffle the bruises suggested. His face softened. "Well, I'm alive."

"You are." The man looked up, solemn. "I want you to understand, Levi, that no matter how much hesitation you might sense from me now, the moment when you appeared at the gates is one of the most emotional moments of my life."

A lump formed in Levi's throat, and he realized he didn't want to let his own feelings go unsaid. "When I was up in that tree, I spent a lot of time thinking about what I wanted to say when I saw you again. Never did figure it out. But before this conversation ends and we start pretending nothing happened, I want to get it out."

"Okay," said Erwin softly. "Go ahead."

Unable to meet his gaze, Levi kept his eyes fixed on the surface of the water, keeping his tone casual. "Look, I think a lot about working side-by-side with you, and killing titans with you, and fucking you, and sleeping next to you, and having stupid conversations about dumb shit, where you can tell me things you would never tell anyone else. I know there's a chance I'll never have most of that, but I need you to know how I..." He chanced a look up. Erwin's eyes were glassy, but he couldn't tell if that was just from the bath steam. "I'm no good at this sort of thing."

"No, that was..." The man's voice broke. "Levi, I don't know how to proceed from here. Not with you."

"What do you mean?"

"If you were anyone else, my priorities would be clear, but even while I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to put a permanent wall between us, all I can think about is how badly I want to pull you closer." The words trailed off as he spoke, the confidence draining from his tone.

Levi felt his breaths begin to accelerate; he smoothly pulled his knees to his chest to hide any evidence of arousal. "This is exactly what I'm talking about, asshole. You can't say shit like that."

"I know, I..." Erwin bowed his head, rubbing his temples with one hand. "I know."

There was a long silence. Levi waited, but it quickly became apparent there would be no further explanation.

"You know where I stand, Erwin," he said. "Figure out what you want." He dunked his head back, rinsing the suds from his hair, then stood. "No kisses, or flirting, or any of that unless you're prepared to follow through. And don't expect me to wait around forever, either."

"That's fair." The man's voice was quiet. "I need a few days to think all this over. I won't make a single advance until I'm sure it's what I want. You have my word."

Feeling a lump rising in his throat again, Levi quickly stepped out of the bath, reaching for a towel with one hand, retrieving the soap with the other.

"And I want that new soap soon. This one smells too fancy." He suddenly wondered what had happened to the old one, but decided this wasn't the time to ask. Erwin already looked confused enough as it was, and it was unnerving to see that expression on the face of someone he admired. He wondered if he, himself, looked just as lost. His head was certainly spinning. On top of that, his limbs were shaky, and he felt as if he were going to vomit. _Must be the concussion again,_ he told himself.

He was about to leave, but then he heard, "Levi."

When he turned, Erwin gave a small, forced smile. "For what it's worth, I'm glad you're back."

"Yeah, me too." Unsure of how to end the conversation, Levi turned and left the room.


	6. Hands

**A/N: **Thank you for your kind reviews! I'm glad folks are enjoying this little fic, and each review is super inspiring. :) Here's chapter 6! Chapter 7 will be coming soon.

* * *

**-6-**

**Hands**

Erwin lifted his pen and dropped it, watching it roll down the file he had propped at a slant on his desk. His other hand cupped his chin, the only thing holding his head upright. His eyes were scratchy and drooping, and his mind paced circles around his conversation with Levi.

_What do I want?_

He caught the pen at the bottom of the makeshift ramp and dropped it back onto the top, watching it roll again.

The problem wasn't figuring out what he wanted: he already knew that. He thought he had lost Levi forever, and now that the man was back from the dead, all the reasons to hold back felt meaningless. Sitting in that bath, he had barely been able to resist the urge to grab Levi's wrist and pull him onto his lap. At least he had shown some restraint then; he was ashamed of how recklessly he had acted during their initial reunion. How far would things have gone if Hange hadn't interrupted that kiss?

He frowned. That "shitty" kiss. The word drove into his pride like a thorn, worming its way deeper each time he thought about it. Maybe he had been a little too enthusiastic, but he was normally an excellent kisser - or so others had told him - and he hated the idea of their only kiss being of inferior quality. Though, if he were honest, he couldn't tell if it was really a point of pride, or if he was just looking for an excuse to try again.

He dropped his head, fingers raking into his hair. Why was he spending his entire afternoon thinking about Levi? There was work to be done. _Focus._

A knock sounded at the door, and he was embarrassed by how badly he wanted Levi to be standing on the other side of it. "Come in."

Shadis stepped into the room, a smile wrinkling his face. "This is an unprecedented day for the Survey Corps. You must be happy."

Erwin set the pen neatly beside the file, subtly flattening his ramp. "Indeed, I am. Happy is an understatement."

His mentor closed the door and took a seat opposite him. "Levi's return isn't going to cause any problems, is it?"

"No, sir," he replied. No more than it already had, anyway. He hoped.

"You'd better be telling the truth, Smith. I'd hate to see you throw your career away. It's good for a man to get laid once in awhile, but don't mix business and pleasure." He pulled an envelope out of his jacket and handed it across the desk. "Summons from the Capital."

Erwin opened it, discovering an invitation to a formal induction ceremony in five days. He swallowed hard. This was everything he had wanted, but not at the cost of losing Anke.

"After the induction ceremony," said Shadis, "there will be a gala."

"A gala?"

"Not on your behalf, I'm afraid. No one was expecting a handoff this soon after Anke's promotion, so they're rolling you in with the spring solstice festival, since you would be invited to that anyway. You'll probably want to identify your next in command before then, bring them along and show them the ropes, the way I did with you and Anke on occasion."

Erwin tried to picture Levi at a gala in the Capital. The concept was almost ludicrous. "Will you be in attendance, Keith?"

"No, the new trainees are having their first exam this weekend, so I need to shadow Instructor Marta. But the other military branches will be there." The man leaned back in his seat. "Be sure to introduce yourself to Commander Dot Pixis. He's a bit of an odd duck and likes the drink more than he should, but he's been around long enough to understand how the system works. He'll be a valuable ally if there's a crisis within the walls. Captain Kitts Verman will be with him, but-" Shadis frowned. "He won't be of much use to you. Rumour has it they're going to promote another Squad Leader to Captain soon. The branch is big enough that one Captain isn't enough, anyway."

Erwin quietly began to take notes. "And the Military Police?"

"You've already met Commander Williams, but rumour has it he's taken quite ill and may not be in active duty for awhile. Likely Captain Nile Dok will be there instead."

"Good." There was still the matter of the empty military silo to discuss.

Shadis eyed him, evidently reading his mind. "Don't go getting obsessed with those tax chests, Erwin. You're going to find the Military Police has questionable motives on occasion, but pointing fingers at them will only bring you trouble. Don't give them any ammunition. The Survey Corps is hanging by a thread as it is - the Interior has been trying to shut us down for years. Each expedition is scrutinized and criticized behind our backs."

Erwin's brows rose. "Is that so?" He had known the Corps was at risk, but not as badly as that.

"Over the years, I have purposefully been shielding you and Anke from some of the messier politics. I know you've seen bits and pieces of it, but not the big picture." His mentor leaned across the desk. "Get in good with Supreme Commander Zackly; make him an ally, right from the start. He already likes you, so that shouldn't be hard. And make sure you have some expeditions that show demonstrable progress. The last one was good - having a high survival rate and bringing back something of value of the King will make people happy. If you can finally establish a base outside the walls and make progress toward reclaiming Wall Maria, that will make the Interior happy as well. The safer they feel, the happier they'll be, and the happier they are, the happier you are."

Erwin's heart beat in his throat. He had long been aware that the wealthy elite had different motivations than the rest of the populace, and this only heightened his suspicions. He nodded. "Thank you for this information."

"You'll figure out the rest yourself, probably in more detail than I ever did. You're a smart kid. Need a hand with that paperwork?"

"Please."

It was, thankfully, much easier to concentrate with his mentor present. They worked together on the paperwork until the dinner bell rang. Shadis stood and waited for him, but Erwin shook his head.

"You go ahead. I need a minute." He hadn't spent any time preparing a speech, so he would have to improvise. He needed a couple minutes to collect himself first.

He went to the men's bath and wet his comb, then carefully parted and combed his hair. Using a hand towel, he polished the Commander's pendant, then straightened his collars. The black eye and split lip were still ugly, but he didn't look nearly as peaked as earlier, though he certainly was feeling the hangover more. At least that meant he was finally sober.

With one last look in the mirror, he dampened his fingertips and smoothed his eyebrows, then took a deep breath.

When he entered the mess hall, he saw Shadis, the Squad Leaders and a few Team Leaders sitting at the longest table. As he walked past, Levi looked up at him. Their eyes held for a beat too long, but this time, it felt comfortable. Levi gave a small nod, and Erwin returned it.

_We'll be okay,_ he decided, e_ven if we make the logical choice and keep our relationship platonic. _The thought of a platonic relationship was accompanied by a wave of loneliness, as if he were pre-emptively heartbroken, and that's when he realized logic wasn't going to save him. Not this time.

He moved to the head of the room and clasped his hands behind his back, waiting. Gradually, the murmuring died down, and dozens of eyes focused on him.

"Good evening, everyone," he said, his voice echoing. "I'm here for two very unusual reasons. The first is to welcome back Squad Leaders Levi and Hange Zoe for accomplishing the impossible: returning to base after a day's separation from the group. I'm certain they have quite a story to tell, but as they have had a trying day, I ask that you give them some space to allow them to reorient themselves. Please join me in giving them a salute out of respect for the trials they have endured."

The room rose to its feet. He thought he saw Levi's eyes roll, but Hange's lit up as their comrades saluted in unison.

Once everyone was seated again, Erwin continued. "The second reason I'm here is to address some rumours that are circulating about my behaviour last night. This will not be easy for me to admit; I have a longstanding reputation as a man who can separate reason from emotion. However, if I am to be your Commander, I want my relationship with each of you to be built on a foundation of honesty and trust. This includes admitting to mistakes when I make them."

He paused. His eyes scanned the room and landed on Levi. "In my many years with the Corps, I have lost countless people close to me, but last night's losses were a particular strain. I reached a breaking point and made the poor decision to drown my misery in alcohol, which led to another poor decision to mount a one-man rescue operation." He saw Levi's eyes slowly begin to widen. "It was a stupid, selfish decision, especially at a time when a good portion of our senior leadership was deceased or missing. If it hadn't been for decisive action by Squad Leader Mike Zacharias, I would have ridden to my death, and I'm ashamed to say I didn't react well to his intervention. The scuffle that ensued was no way for any member of the Survey Corps to behave, let alone a future Commander.

"I come to you now with a sincere apology. You trust me to make the best decisions for the sake of humanity, and I betrayed that trust. I am deeply sorry." He pulled into a salute.

He didn't expect what happened next: around the room, soldiers began to stand and return his salute. His heart pounded in his throat. _Is this what Shadis meant when he said people would respect me if I were more in touch with my humanity?_

Levi stood and saluted as well, and Erwin swallowed hard. The man rarely saluted, even when proper decorum required it.

"Thank you for your generous acceptance," he said to the room. "That is all I have for you today. Good evening."

His cheeks were warm as he walked to the service line to receive his tray of food. Public speaking was no trouble for him - he enjoyed attention and responsibility - but he was accustomed to showing strength in public, not weakness. The soldiers working in the service line gave him nods off approval and respectful murmurs of "Sir," which put him a bit more at ease. As strange as it was, it seemed his little breakdown last night had been a step forward with the troops, not a step back.

He had planned to take his tray back to his office, but as he passed the long table, Levi slid over, leaving room for him at the end of his bench. The invitation was appealing; perhaps taking a break from paperwork would refresh his mind. Erwin accepted the seat, the fit so tight that their thighs were almost touching.

"Erwin," said Hange with wonder, "you were going to come rescue us?"

He smiled kindly. "Both of you are valuable assets to this team, and between your disappearance and Anke's death, I'm afraid my head wasn't on straight. Thankfully, Mike put it back into alignment."

"Don't ever try to fight Erwin," said Mike to his comrades, his voice pinched by the bandaged nose. "He was the top of our class in hand-to-hand combat, and he's a lethal force, even drunk."

"I didn't know you could fight," said Levi.

"I try to avoid it." Erwin tapped his black eye. "Don't sell yourself short, Mike. This eye is going to get me a lot of questions when I go to the Capital next week."

"Tell them a titan did it," said Dita. "It's not like the brass would know what it's like to fight one."

"All right, enough banter," said Shadis. "I know we're not supposed to pester our Squad Leaders for information about their disappearance, but Hange looks ready to burst."

Hange's eyes lit up. "Levi, do you mind if I tell them all about it?"

"Yeah, sure." Levi began to eat with his left hand, casually laying his right on the bench. Erwin glanced down at it. They were sitting so closely that the little finger was almost touching his thigh. Was the proximity intentional? An invitation, even?

"When the blast struck, we were partially shielded by the cart," said Hange. "Levi got the worst of it; he was unconscious when the dust settled. Titans were closing in on us, and I panicked: I grabbed him and went for the trees. I should have gone for the silo, but-"

"There was no time to think," said Levi, and Erwin was surprised by the gentle tone. Apparently a night in the woods had done a great deal to forge a bond between the two. The thought of Levi unconscious and helpless made fear settle in a cold ball in his stomach. _Even when I went back to check on him, I got there too late. If not for Hange, he really would be dead._

He glanced down at the bench again. The tabletop gave them cover; no one would see anything if he were to place his hand on top of Levi's. _You're supposed to be taking time to think this through, _he told himself, but he was a man who could see several steps ahead of every situation, and it was already clear where this one was going.

Without changing his posture or expression, he began to eat with his right hand, laying his left along the side of his thigh. His hand was less than an inch away from Levi's, leaving just enough of a gap to back out if he changed his mind. He had promised not to make any advances unless he was certain, after all.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Levi's throat bob.

"We were still being pursued by titans," continued Hange, "and several of them were tall enough that the trees wouldn't protect us. I left Levi on a branch and took out five titans unassisted."

"Five?" said Mike dubiously.

"Not as impressive as it sounds. These titans were strangely sluggish. I don't know if they were tired or the cold slowed them down or what. But I had some interesting findings when I tried to chop off the arm of one of them..."

The body heat building between their thighs was wearing away Erwin's resistance. He stretched out his fingers, crossing his little finger over Levi's. The man gave him a sharp glance, but didn't pull away. The gesture could still be explained away as an accident, if necessary, but in his heart, Erwin knew there was no going back now, not when that little centimetre of skin contact was making his stomach flutter. He sat stiffly upright, eyes locked on Hange, and in his periphery, he saw Levi mirror the pose.

"Okay, enough about your findings," said Eld, interrupting the rambling. "I want to hear how you got out of that mess."

"Oh," said Hange, "Well, the temperature kept dropping, and the remaining titans were still swarming the tree trunk. Levi didn't wake up for another eight hours or so-"

The severity of the concussion was much worse than Erwin had imagined, and his stomach plummetted. _I came so close to losing you. _

Decisively, he grabbed Levi's hand.

In his periphery, he could see the man's jaw tightening. He struggled to keep his own breaths even and controlled, waiting for a reaction. This hand grip was more terrifying than any move he had ever made. He could effortlessly seduce a stranger at a bar, deliver a passionate kiss to someone he barely knew, but something about Levi stripped away all his years of practice. In this moment, he was just a dumb kid in love, waiting anxiously to see if his crush would accept his hand or pull away. He tried to distract himself by listening to Hange speak, but he had lost the ability to comprehend words.

Then, finally, Levi reacted. His hand rotated, palm up, and their fingers intertwined.

A rush ran up and down Erwin's spine, and he bit the inside of his cheek. This was well past the point of no return, but he didn't feel trapped. He felt free.

He cast the man a sideways glance, and Levi did the same, their faces perfectly stoic as their thumbs slid together beneath the table.

.*.*.*.

The conversation continued after dinner ended, shifting naturally between new topics. Officers drifted from the table, until eventually it was Levi, Erwin, Mike and Eld. Mike had started telling tales about their trainee days. Normally, Erwin wasn't fond of discussing his youth. He had been a lot more headstrong then, idealistic to a fault, with a temper for anyone who questioned him. There was also the matter of their heavy drinking habits; it had been peacetime, after all, and so the military had been much more lax with its trainees back then. Tonight, however, Mike was painting it all in a rather flattering light, so Erwin didn't mind Levi listening.

Besides, their hands were still joined under the table, their shared little secret, and he didn't have the heart to break the contact.

"-so we've still got five stations left to complete, and Lars loses it. He tells Erwin he's not going to follow the plan, and we're all going to fail the exercise, and he calls him a shitty leader," said Mike. "Erwin's face goes purple. Not just red, purple. We all step back, expecting him to clock the guy. Instead, he snaps out a fist and stuns him. One jab to the head, boom, Lars is down before anyone knows what happened. Erwin drapes him over his shoulders and takes him with us. He did the rest of the course with Lars unconscious on his back. Told Instructor Marta some bullshit about an accident at the third station, and we passed with flying colours. We even got bonus points for rescuing a wounded teammate." He shook his head. "That was when I learned how far Erwin Smith will go to reach his goals, and I decided right then I would follow him anywhere."

Levi turned to him, raising a brow. "You going to knock me unconscious if I question your decisions, Erwin?"

"Since then, I've learned there are more subtle ways to convince people to one's side," he replied dryly.

Eld stood and stretched. "Well, it's getting late, and last night was a long night for all of us. I'm turning in."

"Yeah, me too." Mike stood as well.

They exchanged their goodnights, then it was just Erwin and Levi, sitting suspiciously close to each other on the bench, their hands still joined.

"You must be exhausted," said Erwin quietly.

Levi shrugged, but when he spoke, his voice was softer than usual: "Yeah, but I'm still feeling a bit screwed up from last night. Not sure I should be alone right now."

Finally releasing his hand, Erwin slowly rose to his feet, his knees creaking. "I could come check on you." It was strange to have his hand to himself again. He curled his fingers around the cold, hand-shaped echo of Levi's grip, already missing it.

"Okay. Give me about fifteen minutes."

For a moment, they were silent. As Levi stood, he lifted his abandoned hand and stared at it, as if he didn't believe his own memory.

"Levi." Erwin leaned in close. He kept his eyes on the few soldiers still lingering at their tables, watching them to make sure they wouldn't be overheard. "I know what I want, but I also know I have wounds that need to heal. A relationship with me would progress slowly. It would take great patience."

When he pulled away again, Levi's face had a gentleness to it he had never seen before. "It's okay."

"It's been a very long time..." he said, not quite sure how to admit that Henrik had been his last male partner. Gender shouldn't matter to him - it had never mattered before Henrik - but since the man's death, he had only had two partners, both of them women, and that wasn't by accident.

Stopping to consider his romantic life made him realize how lonely he was. His last encounter had been two years ago, before Levi had even been in the picture. If he was honest, he hadn't been interested in pursuing anyone else since Levi had first caught his attention, sobbing in his arms. Or had it started before that?

"Erwin," said Levi, reaching up to grip his arm. "It's okay. You lead, and I'll follow you. Anywhere."

The last word was delivered so earnestly that shivers ran down Erwin's spine. "Then I'll come by in fifteen minutes and we can talk about this more." With a little nod, he turned, intending to return to his room to change.

His path brought him past the office, and he slowed, realizing there was one more thing he needed to do first.

_I need to let go._

He shut the door behind him and lit the lamp, then picked up Henrik's frame. He held it to his chest. His eyes closed as he tried to visualize Henrik standing in front of him for one last farewell.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't picture the man. He could see bits and pieces with perfect detail, but when he tried to put them together, the pieces swam in and out of focus, never binding together. Panicking, he realized that he couldn't quite remember the man's voice, or even the boisterous laugh that had first drawn his attention. Five years was a long time, especially with so much else on his mind.

His eyelids parted.

_The memory has decayed, and I'm desperately holding on to the husk it left behind. I was so intent on grieving that I let the natural grieving process slip me by. How can he be at peace if I won't let him fade away? Is he still a man to me, or have I reduced him to a concept, an excuse to feel sad?_

Erwin took a deep, shaky breath, then opened the bottom drawer of his desk and set the frame inside it. The drawer closed. He felt a small wave of peace - not closure yet, but it was a start.

Once he got back to his room, he pulled on a pair of pyjama bottoms and an old cotton shirt, then brushed his teeth and combed his hair. By the time he was ready, his hands were shaking, the enormity of what he was about to do finally dawning on him.

Before he could talk himself out of it, he left the room and marched three doors down the hall to Levi's new room.

He knocked.

The door opened, and Levi stared up at him, wearing loose-fitting pyjama pants. _The only pair of pyjamas he owns_, thought Erwin, remembering that paltry box of possessions. The dim lamplight cast the muscles and grooves of Levi's torso into strong contrast: lean muscle, very little body fat. A perfect weapon of a man.

The door had barely closed behind them when Erwin caught Levi's shoulders and pulled him in, arms wrapping around him in a hug. Once again, he marvelled at how small the man was - he only came up to chest height, and his shoulders and hips were narrow.

After a moment, Levi's arms wrapped around him, so tightly that it was hard to breathe. Erwin hadn't expected him to be too interested in hugs. Really, it was difficult to picture Levi enjoying any form of intimacy; he was so particular and easily disgusted that it seemed like the baser aspects of being human would be too messy or irritating for him.

Their bodies were flush, and the close contact was starting to arouse Erwin. He wondered if he should pull away before it became noticeable. All his previous romances had happened rather explosively, and he wasn't certain about the proper etiquette for one that was supposed to move at a slow pace, even when he was the one who had requested it.

"It's a good thing you had that bath," said Levi. "I would have had a noseful of smelly, shitty armpit right now."

"I suppose it is," said Erwin, amused by the man's crassness. Closing his eyes, he bowed down to bury his nose into the top of the dark hair, breathing in. Smelling his own soap there felt wrong; he would have to replace the lemon soap soon.

"You...feel good," said Levi, sounding a bit awkward.

"So do you. I've wanted to hold you like this ever since I found out you were missing. I didn't think I'd have the chance."

There was a long pause.

"You'd better not be screwing with my head again." Levi's arms tightened. "If you start spewing some crap about how we can't be together..."

Erwin gently gripped the man's chin and tilted it until their eyes met. "I made you a promise, Levi." His thumb ran across the narrow bottom lip. "I wasn't going to act until I was sure."

Slowly, carefully, he leaned down. Their lips grazed once, twice, then he pressed in closer. This time, their lips parted, but he kept the kiss shallow, softly inhaling the taste of Levi's breath. Levi gave something close to a growl, and his hands curled into Erwin's collar, fighting to pull him closer, but Erwin wasn't ready to relinquish control just yet. Their tongues barely grazed, then he gradually, slowly began deepening the kiss.

His plan was to orchestrate every move, to keep the pace slow and controlled, but their tongues brushed again, and it felt so good that he began to lose himself. Their bodies pressed together, jaws widening, and Erwin's tongue slid deep into Levi's mouth. He felt Levi's hands run down his back to his ass, where they massaged the muscle, urging him in closer. Hiding his arousal was impossible now, and it no longer seemed like a priority, anyway, so Erwin mirrored the motion, pulling Levi flat against him. The urge to grind was getting overwhelming, and he wasn't sure he could fight it much longer. He was the one who had asked them to take it slowly, after all, but he couldn't remember why.

He finally broke the kiss and pulled away, panting for air. Levi's eyes were heavily lidded, his lips parted.

"Was that a better kiss than before, or still shitty?" asked Erwin.

"Fuck..." Levi tugged on his neck, drawing him down again.

This kiss was deep from the beginning, and this time, Erwin couldn't hold back. He tilted his hips forward and back, just once, and warmth flooded his groin. He heard the man's breath catch, felt hands tighten into his ass.

Then Levi walked him backwards to the bed and shoved him onto the mattress, crawling over top of him, their lips sloppily finding each other again. Erwin's palms slid up and down that bare, muscled back. They were both grinding now, and this was probably advancing far faster than it should, but he didn't care, he just needed to feel that hard evidence that he was wanted, needed to feel it rubbing against his own.

Levi broke the kiss and began to lick down his chin, then throat, then across his neck. It felt so good, so good, it was almost too much. Overcome, Erwin suddenly rolled, pinning the small man beneath him, burying his face into the slender neck, paying him back with the same intensity. He found one particularly sensitive spot about an inch below the left jaw, and he buried himself into it, letting the damp skin slide between his teeth. Levi's gasps started as curses, then devolved into incoherent noises, growing loud enough that Erwin finally pulled away. There were empty rooms on either side of them, but they shouldn't take any chances.

They took a moment to steady themselves, both panting hard. Erwin pulled off his shirt and swiftly folded it into quarters, tossing it onto the desk beside them.

"Fuck." Levi's palm slid up his stomach and chest. "Fuck, look at you." His lips were swollen, his dark hair was mussed, and his face, normally so emotionless, was twisted into an expression somewhere between helplessness and pain.

Erwin leaned down to kiss the man's forehead. A faint layer of sweat was building on the pale skin, leaving his lips salty. "You all right?"

"Shit," breathed Levi.

"I want to get you off."

"Shit." Levi's eyes closed. "Okay, I... Shit."

Erwin went for an ear this time, his tongue tracing its grooves. His body rolled to one side as he began to run his palm down the man's chest, stomach... He slid over the top of the pants, feeling the rigid shape beneath, and Levi threw his head back with a gasp.

_He's sensitive. _He had always pictured Levi being wild in bed, but not in such a vulnerable and expressive way. _Does he surrender this completely to everyone, or just to me? _Admiration swelled within him as he found the man's lips again. His fingers gently tugged at the fabric, and Levi gave a low groan into his mouth.

Not content to have the cloth barrier between them, Erwin slipped his hand under the waistband.

Skin met skin, and Levi gasped and tugged the waistband down his hips, out of the way. For a moment, Erwin lost composure, his eyes fluttering shut. He had forgotten how intimate this contact felt, how well it allowed him to read his partner.

"Wait." Levi reached out to stay his wrist. "I want to jerk you off at the same time."

Erwin froze. Why was it that the thought of touching Levi was comfortable, but the other way around felt too fast? Was it that he was too afraid to lose himself in front of anyone? Perhaps his grief was manifesting as control issues. He scoured his emotions, trying to make sense of them.

"Levi..." He trailed off, not sure what to say.

"Too much, too soon, huh?"

Frustration washed over him. "It doesn't make sense. I don't understand my own logic. I don't understand these arbitrary borders I'm using to divide up intimacy."

Levi studied him for a moment, then said quietly, "Look, Erwin, whatever you're feeling is what's right, okay? It doesn't have to make sense."

"It's not fair to you if I'm putting arbitrary timelines on things."

"It's okay." Levi reached up to grip his shoulder. "Don't over-think this. I'll speak up if I feel anything's unfair."

Taking a slow breath, Erwin let the words sink in. "Thank you for your generous understanding."

"Don't be so formal. You're grabbing my dick, not giving a speech to the brass." Levi pulled him down for another kiss. Already, the man's mouth was feeling familiar: narrow lips and tongue, small teeth with a couple gaps near the back. A groan rumbled between them.

Erwin's hand began to move, setting into a gentle rhythm, and soon Levi fell back to the pillow. He was wearing that pained expression again, his hands clawing into the blanket. "Fuck. I'm not going to last."

"Good." Erwin kissed across to his ear, increasing the cadence of his hand. "Let yourself go. I want you to come for me, Levi."

"Holy shit."

He felt as if he were rising with him. "Come on, Levi: come for me."

"Fuck!" Levi arched, and Erwin pulled away to watch his face, contorted and strained and beautiful.

Then, slowly, the man sank back to the bed, breathing hard, his face perfectly relaxed. Erwin stretched out beside him, delivering slow kisses to his jaw.

"Fuck," said Levi with a puff of air, as if he had been holding his breath. His eyes opened, and he propped himself onto an elbow. "Think you could grab me a handkerchief? Not sure where your moving crew put them."

Erwin looked down. He had tried to catch everything in his free hand, but some of it had spilled onto Levi's stomach. It would have been tidier if he had just used his mouth. His groin throbbed at the idea.

He retrieved a handkerchief for each of them from the top dresser drawer. They were silent as they cleaned themselves; he tried not to be offended by the disgusted expression on Levi's face. He had expected it, to some degree.

Clearing his throat, he stood, not sure how this exchange should end. "You probably need your rest."

Levi's eyes were fixed between his legs. "You sure you don't want to get off? What if you jerked yourself off while I made out with you?"

Erwin's knees weakened, and he was surprised by how badly he wanted that. "I suppose that arrangement could be a good intermediary step."

"Stop being so formal. Don't you ever forget your manners?"

Suddenly bashful, Erwin's cheeks glowed. He wasn't accustomed to anyone speaking to him so bluntly, at least not in this context.

They shifted to lie side by side on the bed, studying each other. This was surreal, Levi's eyes locked onto him, their hands slowly trailing across each other's arms. Even his own shyness was foreign. _Maybe I was mortally wounded out in that field with Anke, and everything since has been a dying man's dream._

Dream or not, he wanted it to continue. Trying to push past his shyness, he slipped his hand into his pants.

Levi watched him for a moment, as if sizing him up, then leaned forward to kiss his ear. Erwin felt his breath escape in a rush. _He's a natural hunter, instinctively identifying his prey's weak spot._ His muscles tensed.

"You like that?" murmured Levi, using his tongue to trace the ridges.

Realizing he was holding his breath, Erwin sharply exhaled, but then a hand began to caress his chest, and he gasped.

Levi sat up, eyes trailing down his body. "Look at you," he murmured. "Look how fucking hot you are. But still so quiet and polite." He bent in again, kissing across his neck to his throat, then down. Erwin closed his eyes, his fist moving faster as he felt Levi's hands massage his chest and shoulders.

One particular spot felt so good that a short cry slipped from his lips, and the hands paused.

"I see."

Then he felt damp warmth on a nipple, and for a split second, he was bewildered, but then heat flooded his body. His mind went white. He couldn't tell if he was saying the words aloud, or just thinking them: _oh fuck, Levi, that feels so good, oh fuck, oh fuck..._

"That's more like it," said Levi, his voice so low that it was almost a growl.

Erwin felt himself cresting, but he wasn't ready to end this yet. He subtly slowed his pace, fighting to hang on.

Then he realized that Levi's finger was tracing his bottom lip. Frenzied, he pulled it into his mouth. He heard Levi take in a sharp breath.

"Erwin-"

"Don't stop," he pleaded, his voice lisping around the finger.

Levi returned to licking his nipple, and Erwin pulled the finger deep into his throat, suckling it, wrapping his tongue around it. Levi gave a soft moan. The sound, combined with the stimulation on his tongue and his chest and between his legs, was too much to handle, and he was rising, he couldn't fight it anymore. The finger fell from his mouth.

"Levi," he warned. "Oh fuck..."

He went under so hard that his back lifted off the bed, every muscle shuddering.

Slowly, he came back to himself.

He opened his eyes to see Levi hovering over him. The man's expression couldn't quite be called a smirk, but one corner of his lips had lifted, just slightly. He reached down to smooth the hair off Erwin's forehead.

"I don't think I've ever heard you say 'fuck' before today, then you drop it about thirty times in the space of a minute." There was a twinkle in his eyes, as if he were proud.

Erwin pulled him in for a soft kiss. He was surprised by how natural this felt, basking in the afterglow with Levi at his side.

"Here." The man handed him a clean handkerchief. "Erwin..." The not-quite-a-smirk faded from his lips.

"Something on your mind, Levi?" he asked, mopping up.

"Would you...stay?"

"Stay?"

"Here. Tonight. With me." Levi's cheeks darkened, and he shrugged, looking away. "If you want."

In this post-orgasm haze, Erwin felt like he would agree to anything the man asked of him, but he tried to think about it logically. "You don't think it might be suspicious if I came out of your room in the morning?"

"It wouldn't be hard to sneak you out without anyone seeing. But it's just an idea." He shrugged again, the display of uncaring so exaggerated that Erwin understood how much it really meant to him.

"You've convinced me. I'll stay." He stole another kiss, then stood, pulling on his shirt. "I should probably go wash my hands first. I'll be back in a minute or two." He normally wouldn't bother washing up until morning, but he felt the need to be cleaner than usual for the sake of his fastidious partner.

When he reached the men's bath, he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror: flushed cheeks, mussed hair, and an enormous grin.

"Subtle," he told his reflection, but the grin wouldn't go away; instead, his blush deepened. He quickly washed his hands and face, then took a minute to rinse off his stomach while he was at it.

When he returned to the room, Levi was already in bed; he shifted over, leaving room. Erwin slipped under the covers. They laid on their backs, side-by-side.

"What the fuck just happened?" asked Levi, and Erwin gave a soft chuckle.

"I agree. This is...surreal."

"You still okay with this?" The words were laced with insecurity.

The urge to smile finally faded from Erwin's lips. He rolled onto his side so they could look each other in the eye. "Levi, it won't be easy to be with me. There will be a lot I won't be able to tell you, and plans that must take priority over either of us. If our work ever comes into direct conflict with our personal relationship, the work will always win. Always. The titans must come first."

"I know that," said Levi.

"I need to know one thing before we proceed." Erwin searched his eyes. "Does this change anything? Are you going to be able to die if I order you to, or let me die if it's necessary?"

The man gave an irritated huff. "This is the worst pillow talk I've ever heard."

"This is important, Levi. I need your answer."

"Fine. But before I answer, I have a question for you: can you still order me to die?"

Erwin hesitated. He didn't want to consider giving the order, but one day, he might have to. "I would be reluctant, but my personal feelings won't cloud my judgement. At the end of the day, we all must serve humanity above our own interests. Yes, I could order you to die, Levi, but I want you to understand: your death would haunt me more than any I have ever caused." Even though he said the words for Levi, there was no one who could possibly understand their true impact. No one knew just how deeply ghosts of the past had shaped him, how they had forged his life's work. The words were the greatest compliment Erwin could give.

Maybe Levi didn't know the specifics, but he seemed to register the importance of it: his eyes widened a little, then settled again. "Yes, I'll go to my death for you."

"Even if things go badly between us? Even if I break your heart?"

"Fucking hell, Erwin." Levi huddled into the blanket. "Yes, of course. Now would you shut up? This is a shitty way to cap off the evening."

"I'm sorry to be so dour," said Erwin, touched by the man's loyalty. "I had to be sure."

"Next time you're going to talk about breaking my heart or asking me to die, can you at least wait until..." Levi paused. "Never."

"It won't come up again." It began to dawn on him that he had potentially ruined the night with his poor timing. "I'm sorry, Levi. If you want me to leave-"

"It's fine." Levi rolled onto his side, turning his back. Erwin spooned up behind him, wrapping an arm around him, his hand flat against the centre of the muscular chest. He could feel the man's racing heartbeat in his palm. _So strong, so lively._ _I came so close to losing this forever. _His throat tightened.

"Can I ask one more thing of you, Levi?"

The man sighed. "What?"

His voice cracked: "Make sure this heart keeps beating."

There was a pause, then a hand covered his, their fingers intertwining.


	7. Morning After

**A/N: **Thank you for reading, and a huge thank you to those who have taken the time to review. Your comments are gobbled like candy! :)

This chapter has a couple vague references to "A Choice With No Regrets," but no real spoilers aside from one character's name.

* * *

**-7-**

**Morning After**

Lips pressed against Levi's forehead. He stirred and tried to speak, but he was so exhausted that his voice came out in a groan instead.

"Go back to sleep. You need your rest," murmured Erwin's voice, and then a knuckle grazed his cheek.

As Levi drifted back to sleep, he heard the door click.

.*.*.*.

"Erwin?" Levi sat upright. The room was empty. He swore he had only closed his eyes for an instant longer, but the pillow beside him was cold.

At first, he thought he had dreamed the whole encounter, but then he saw the used handkerchiefs on the floor. He wrinkled his nose as he dropped them in the laundry basket, but he was glad they were there. As unhygienic as the rags were, at least they were real.

It was still dark outside, but through the window, he could see a crack of light on the horizon. Even exhausted as he was, he had still managed to awaken before reveille.

He gathered his toiletries and headed into the hallway. As he passed Erwin's room, he wondered if the Commander would have any regrets. The gentle kiss to the forehead – if that hadn't been a dream – suggested no regret, but he was still insecure. It wasn't that he doubted Erwin's interest. Uninterested men didn't hold a hand in secret for more than an hour, or watch an orgasm with parted lips and pinched brows, as if drinking in their pleasure. Erwin was interested, no question.

What he doubted was the longevity of that interest. Ever since the turning point of their relationship, when they had left their rocky beginnings behind and Levi's admiration had begun to grow, he had built Erwin into someone completely unattainable, someone who could have any person he chose. Aside from his unparalleled brilliance, he was tall, classically handsome, and excelled at everything he did. Why would he choose a perpetually sour, uneducated, scrawny rat of a man? Once the initial rush of hormones died down, Erwin was sure to see right through him.

Or maybe Levi's mind was just playing tricks on him. It wouldn't be the first time he had started to overthink everything at the start of a new relationship. It was a defense mechanism cultivated after years of heartbreak: everyone always left him or died, in the end.

He slipped into the icy bath. The scent of Erwin's soap made his mind begin to retrace the events of the night before. The memories had disproportionate power over him. It had just been a hand job, the most innocent form of sex he could imagine, but the intensity of it made it the most memorable sexual encounter he'd had in years. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, thinking about Erwin's hand: its size and strength, the knotted knuckles, the deep-set fingernails. It looked and felt so good no matter what it was touching.

His eyes opened. Was thinking about a hand enough to turn him on now? He shook his head. _Pathetic._

The dizzying rise and fall of his mood was wearing at his nerves. By the time reveille sounded, his stomach had twisted into knots. He retrieved a clean uniform from his closet and pulled it on, then carefully tied his cravat. If he left now, he could reach the mess hall before any of his comrades and drink warm tea until his stomach settled.

He stepped into the hallway.

"Levi."

His heart skipped a beat. Turning, he saw Erwin standing in the hall, a towel slung over his shoulder, apparently on the way to the baths. His face was as inscrutable as always, his stance rigid. Levi's eyes drifted down the furry chest. _Now I'm never going to be able to see him topless without remembering how sensitive those nipples are._

"Good Morning," said Erwin. "I know you'll probably need a few days to recover from your concussion, but we still need to do a proper debrief while the incidents are fresh on our minds. Bring Squad Leader Hange by my office after breakfast."

"Yes, Erwin." He hesitated, thrown off by the man's formality. "We're okay, right?"

The Commander paused to glance up and down the hall, then stepped in closer, his stance relaxing. "I'd say better than okay. Wouldn't you?" Was that a flicker of insecurity in that placid blue gaze? Maybe Levi wasn't the only one overthinking things.

"Of course. This is all just a bit weird."

"That's to be expected while we readjust our perceptions of each other. It will take time." Erwin reached out to rest a hand on his shoulder, the gesture forced and awkward, but not unwelcome. "I have some business to discuss with you, and it's looking like it'll be a beautiful day outside. After our debrief, why don't we take our lunches outside and find somewhere private to talk?"

"Yeah, sure."

Erwin's face returned to neutral as other soldiers appeared at the end of the hall, and he retracted his hand. "That will be all for now, Levi. Dismissed."

With a frown, Levi moved past him. Even though it was just for show, he didn't like being dismissed. _I'm not your damned dog._

In spite of his annoyance, even that small conversation was enough to leave its mark. His cheeks were still burning when he arrived at the mess hall, and he was glad that neither Hange nor Mike was around to notice.

This was the exact opposite of how his previous relationships had started. Usually, there was one really good drunken fuck, then a few more casual fucks, then an awkward _are-we-dating _phase, and then he ended up in love without realizing it had crept up on him. He had never thought himself the type to blush after a simple conversation.

Lost in thought, he stayed at the table sipping tea long after his food was finished. Slowly, other soldiers began to trickle in, but there was no sign of Hange. Growing impatient, he stood.

The office that had been assigned to Hange was still empty, so he tried the bunks instead. A soldier with short blond hair answered the door, and he struggled with the name for a moment - he was pretty sure it was Nanaba, but they had never really interacted.

"I'm looking for Hange," he said, avoiding the name entirely.

"Is that Levi?" came a gravelly voice from inside the room. He heard a book slam, then Hange appeared at the door, hair mussed and eyes sunken. "Morning."

He leaned against the door frame and folded his arms over his chest. "You look like shit."

"I've been up all night writing out my findings."

"All night? Really?" He stared. "Aren't you exhausted?"

"No, too busy."

"Well, you just got even busier. Erwin wants us to come by his office for debriefing."

"Oh, good. I wanted to talk to him anyway. Let's go." Hange stumbled past him, bumping into the door so hard that Levi winced.

"You need to sleep," he said. "You can't even walk straight."

"I can sleep later."

Levi glanced at Nanaba, who was staring after the Squad Leader with a worried expression. "You're scaring your roommates."

"Bah, they're used to me by now. Hurry up!"

With a low sigh, he hurried to catch up.

When they arrived at Erwin's office, they found him seated at his desk, working his way through a stack of paperwork. He looked up as they entered and gave them a polite smile. "Please be seated."

As Levi sat, his gaze drifted across the surface of the desk. It was cluttered: papers, a few ink bottles, files, even a dismantled flare gun. _This office gets messier every time I see it._

His gaze moved to the shelf on the window, and he froze.

The one chaotic frame, Henrik's drawing, was gone.

He felt as if he were sinking into himself, spiralling into his core. Had Erwin taken it down already, after just one hand job? His stomach twisted. _I thought we were supposed to be taking this slowly. _Did Erwin see him as Henrik's replacement?

"Levi?" asked the Commander. "Are you okay?"

He snapped his focus away from the shelf. "Fine."

"You look a little pale," said Hange, peering in uncomfortably close. "More than usual."

"So what? You do, too. Can we get this over with?" He folded his arms over his chest, slumping in his chair. He could feel them watching him, and it was making him claustrophobic.

After a moment, Erwin held out a flare gun. "Hange, last night you mentioned something about altering the flare guns to eject their canisters. Can you show me what you did?"

"Oh, that's easy. You see this spring here?" Hange leaned forward to poke the gun.

Levi's head dropped back against the chair, and he let out a long, quiet sigh. He wasn't sure what he was going to be able to contribute to the discussion; he couldn't remember anything from the blast, and even the details of what had happened on that tree branch were a bit hazy. Besides, now his mind was humming with thoughts of that missing frame, even though he tried to block them out. He was sick of introspection, and sick of guessing where he stood.

Erwin asked several questions, making notes in a file. Trying to preoccupy himself, Levi eyed the pen as it glided across the paper with the man's graceful handwriting. Several of the words were indecipherable. He could read printed words just fine, but sometimes struggled with the loopy, flowing script that educated men like Erwin used.

"Hey Erwin, why are you writing all this down?" he asked, interrupting Hange.

"Any parts of a mission that deviate from the plan must be noted," said the Commander without looking up. "Any time soldiers are separated from the main body, the question of desertion or even treason must be addressed."

"Treason?" repeated Hange, voice faint.

"Don't worry. I'm documenting the event in enough detail to ensure treason is never a consideration." Erwin dotted the paper, then looked up at them. "As you two get familiar with the higher ranks of the military, you'll come to realize that a good deal about Survey Corps leadership is making sure the Interior is comfortable with us. Every time we come back with fewer troops, they begin to question us."

"We didn't need to lose that many people this time," blurted Hange.

Levi's eyes snapped to her. _Is she really going to do this now?_

The Commander set down the pen and lifted his chin. "Something on your mind, Hange?"

"The perimeter was spread too thinly, and there weren't enough scouts on high ground. If we had settled in the forest first and then sent a team down to ground level to retrieve the silo supplies, we could have minimized the loss of life..." The confidence faded from Hange's voice as Erwin's face hardened.

"These things are always more apparent in retrospect," he said quietly. "We will learn from this and-"

"But I knew we weren't positioned well before the attack happened." Hange turned to Levi. "Remember?"

He shrugged, the memory a bit fuzzy. "I told you to take it up with Erwin."

There was a long pause.

The Commander folded his hands on the desk and leaned forward. "Hange, I'm sorry if I led you to believe that you didn't have the right to question me. I am just one man, and my strategies are subject to human error. If you ever find yourself questioning any of my decisions, it's your duty to notify me immediately. We may have a hierarchy, but every member of our team has a responsibility to minimize casualties. Ignoring your doubts could mean endangering your comrades, and that is something you must never, ever, do. That goes for you too, Levi. Ultimately, the weakness in our strategy was my mistake, and I take full responsibility, but one or both of you should have raised your concerns. Understood?"

Levi sank deeper into his chair. Beside him, Hange's head was bowed.

After a pause, Erwin lifted his pen again. "Let's continue. Please explain to me in detail how you took out that last group of titans."

As Hange tentatively began to speak, Levi's eyes drifted back to the shelf, to that missing gap where the frame had once stood. Was it realistic to try to build a relationship that was equal in private, but imbalanced in public? Or was Erwin just desperate to fill the space Henrik had left behind?

He clenched his teeth, doubts crowding his mind.

.*.*.*.

It took more than an hour, but at last, Erwin was satisfied that his report was complete. Just in time, too: Levi looked bored out of his mind, and even Hange was getting antsy. Erwin felt a pang of sympathy. It couldn't be easy to relive such a difficult night in great detail.

Now it was his turn to debrief them. Keeping his update short, he gave them a few details about Anke's death, then updated them on the other casualties.

"I'll be heading to the Capital in four days for my induction ceremony," he continued. "Once the paperwork is finalized and I've formally been promoted, I'll be meeting with you and the other Squad Leaders to talk about how we're going to structure ourselves, and what our next goals will entail. Given that we've had a change in leadership and a great deal of personnel loss over the past several expeditions, we'll be rebuilding the squads from the ground up. Give some thought to what type of squad will fit your leadership style best, and which soldiers will help you achieve our goals.

"That about covers everything I wanted to tell you. Does either of you have any questions for me?"

"Actually, sir, I'd like to talk to you alone for a few minutes," said Hange.

"Of course." He nodded at Levi and said to him, "You're free to leave. I'll see you at lunchtime for our meeting; please close the door behind you."

The man stood and left the room without so much as a word or a glance back. Erwin's brow furrowed. _Did I say something to upset him?_

As much was he wanted to chase after him and make sure everything was okay, that discussion would have to wait until lunch. He turned his attention back to Hange, who was leaning forward in the chair, legs bouncing.

"Now then," he said. "What did you want to speak to me about?"

"Research," said Hange. "I've been writing down my observations from the past couple expeditions, and it's all pointing at one fact: we know absolutely nothing about the titans. For example, the ones we met during the last expedition were sluggish. Was it the cold? Were they abnormals? I have some theories, but for now, they're all baseless conjecture."

This level of interest was exactly why Levi had suggested they promote Hange in the first place, and Erwin leaned back in his chair, intrigued. "What do you propose?"

"Research expeditions. Small teams. I'd like some time to study titans in the wild. Maybe we could even capture one and study it in detail. Oh, and weapons - we need to develop better weapons and research tools. The current-"

Erwin held up a hand, recognizing the growing light of obsession in the bespectacled eyes. "Your goals are lofty, and your imagination is admirable, but the timing isn't right to launch large-scale research operations, so let's take small steps. I'll allow you to stay in the sidelines and make observations during our next few expeditions. We'll make sure your Team Leaders support-"

"No."

He blinked. "Pardon?"

"Observations aren't good enough." Hange looked up, brows low. "The time for large-scale research operations is now. You're a man of reason, Erwin, so you must see that until we understand what we're fighting, we're just throwing away lives. If we figure out what the titans are, we can build better weapons, attack them more efficiently. Lives could be saved."

Erwin could indeed see it, and moreover, he was motivated to learn more about the titans, perhaps more than anyone else in the Corps; it was the reason he had joined up in the first place.

Even so, he knew they had to time their research carefully. For one thing, Shadis' warning about the Survey Corps' shaky future made him suspect that throwing resources onto a new project would only give the Interior more reasons to shut them down. Furthermore, he had deep suspicions that uncovering the nature of the titans would cause a whole host of new problems, and they weren't ready to handle those problems. Not yet.

"The timing isn't right," he said.

Hange's eyes flashed. "People are dying. If we drag our feet-"

"The timing isn't right," he said again. "We'll revisit this in one year's time."

"A year!"

He closed his report and opened a drawer to file it away, but he heard a slam. When he looked up, Hange was leaning forward on the desk, palms planted on its surface.

"Erwin, I didn't come here to watch people die while I sit in the sidelines." The brown eyes narrowed. "I didn't want to do this, but you leave me no choice. I demand a dedicated research team and permission to perform research expeditions. I also demand resources to begin prototyping and testing new weapons."

He raised his brows, more confused than intimidated. "And if I refuse to meet your demands?"

"I go to your superiors with some unsavoury information about you."

"You're going to blackmail me?" He struggled to keep a smirk off his face; instead, he leaned back in his chair, folding his arms over his chest. "What information do you have?"

"I know about you and Levi."

"What about us, exactly?" he asked without missing a beat, even though his chest tightened.

"I know the real reason you were going to mount a rescue operation, and it wasn't for me." Hange leaned closer. "I know about the affair."

"Affair," he repeated. _So that's what we're calling it. _"Do I strike you as someone who would risk his career for an affair?"

"Not intentionally, but people can't think straight when sex is involved. Relationships between superiors and their subordinates are heavily frowned upon, are they not? You will meet my demands, or I will begin to spread my information."

Hange's bravery and resolve were so admirable that Erwin almost regretted what he was about to do, but he couldn't leave this end loose.

"Say you were correct," he said. "Say I foolishly succumbed to my lust and put my career in jeopardy. What proof do you have?"

"I saw you on the rooftop, the night before the expedition."

"You saw? Your word against mine? A newly-promoted Squad Leader with noted discipline issues speaking out against a Commander with more than a decade of good service – whose word do you think holds more weight?"

Hange's eyes widened just a little, a flicker of awareness that he had plucked a loose thread and was about to unravel the entire plan. Erwin tilted his jaw to look down his nose.

"Well?" he asked, secretly hoping that there was more to the threat. He enjoyed a challenge.

"Levi admitted there was something between you," said Hange, sounding less confident.

That surprised him, but he kept his face neutral. "If Levi was a willing participant in an affair, do you think he would be willing to testify against his supposed lover?"

Hange's mouth flattened into a straight line. "Oh."

"Whatever strange air there was between Levi and me has been resolved and is no longer in play, so your threats hold no sway over me. What's more..." He gave a polite smile, letting a hint of a threat shine through. "Blackmail only works if your information outweighs your opponent's. If they have information to use against you, they might turn the tables on you, and your attempt to control them might end up indebting you to them instead."

Hange's head tilted, eyes narrow, as if trying to size him up. "Are you saying you have information about me?"

"The official military background checks are too lax for my tastes. I always dig deeper when someone is about to be promoted. Much deeper." He leaned forward, his voice low. "I know you were born Zoe Kerr, the illegitimate child of high-ranking weapons scientist Hange Lise and a soldier by the name of Calvin Kerr. Your father died in combat before you were born, and your mother was too heartbroken to raise you, so you were adopted by your paternal grandmother. The two of you lived in abject poverty in a small village inside Wall Rose, subsisting on the small stipends your estranged mother infrequently sent your way. In spite of the distance between you, you idolized her and patterned your life after her, going so far as to lift her name and, when university wasn't a possibility, her academic credentials. Your attempts to follow in her footsteps by working in research were cut short when your negligence caused a tragic accident-"

"Stop," said Hange, voice tight. "Please... Stop."

He waited. Slowly, Hange sank back to the chair, head slumped.

"Your personal history will stay with me and me alone," said Erwin quietly. "Everyone has their secrets, but I need you to understand: if you plan to reveal my secrets - if you even pretend to reveal my secrets and spread falsehoods instead - I will not hesitate to reveal yours. Fair is fair, right?"

In response, Hange gave him an uneasy smile. "Mike warned me you were ruthless."

He returned the smile. "I had a feeling you were, too. For what it's worth, I admire your nerve. Threatening your Commander during your first week as Squad Leader..." He shook his head. "That's commitment to your cause. I can already tell you're going to be a valuable asset to the team."

Standing, he straightened the papers on his desk. "You're correct that we need to pursue research: the sooner, the better. Unfortunately, we are bound to a delicate balancing act: if we push too hard or do anything too radical, we could lose our right to leave the walls entirely, particularly now that our leadership is in flux. The Interior is easily spooked. We have to give them time to grow accustomed to us."

Hange frowned. "So we just let people die in the meantime?"

"Any deaths that result from playing their game are on their heads, not ours." He clasped his hands behind his back, ready to close off the conversation. "Start preparing for the future now: as you plan to build your squad, choose soldiers who can eventually move into research roles. You might want to identify a candidate as a research assistant and start training them, too. As for weapons research, we might be able to arrange a room for you to do so on your own time, but you must provide the funds and source the resources yourself. We'll revisit this in one year's time. Understood?"

Hange still looked uneasy, but only said, "Sir."

"Good. Dismissed."

As the Squad Leader left the room, Erwin sat back in his chair, smiling to himself. In some ways, Hange reminded him of himself as a Squad Leader.

Though the prospect of paperwork was dull in comparison to matching wits with Hange, there was still a mountain of it to get through, so he returned to work. It seemed that for every paper he filled out, two more resurfaced. He was going to have to figure out how to streamline the bureaucratic aspects of being Commander; otherwise, he wasn't going to have any time to strategize. Perhaps the restructure should include a Commander's assistant.

He was so engrossed in his work that he didn't realize it was lunchtime until a knock sounded at the door. "Come in."

Levi entered, holding two bagged lunches and a thermos of tea. He dropped a bag on the desk. "Here."

"Thanks." Erwin rose. "Are you still interested in eating outside? I have a spot in mind."

"Sure, whatever." The man's gaze drifted to the window.

"Levi, are you okay?"

A shrug. "Yeah, fine."

_It's going to be like pulling teeth to get him to talk._ Erwin frowned and grabbed his lunch. "Follow me."

He led them down the hallway and took a sharp right, toward the maintenance store rooms. This hallway didn't get much traffic, and when it did, it was usually with muddy equipment and booted feet. He glanced back and saw Levi looking around, nose wrinkled. "Filthy," the man muttered.

"You're welcome to organize a cleaning crew, if you like. Might be a good way to teach the new recruits some discipline." Erwin turned down a dark hallway and approached an old wooden door. A latch held it closed, the padlock rusted.

"I thought we were going to eat outside," said Levi, sounding a bit wary.

"I have a particular spot in mind. Did you know this was a Garrison outpost before the Survey Corps was formed? There are several old areas of the barracks we don't make use of anymore, and this is one of them." He tugged on the doorknob. A screw had been removed from one side of the latch, invisible to anyone who was unaware; the padlock was only for show. The door creaked open, revealing a dark, musty-smelling room on the other side.

"Erwin?" asked Levi nervously.

"This way."

They stepped into the room, and Erwin closed the door, immersing them in darkness.

"Shit," muttered Levi. "If there are fucking rats or bats in here, I swear-"

"There aren't." He gripped Levi's arm and led him toward the far wall. "If you feel along the wall, you'll find a series of metal rungs embedded in the brick." He gripped his lunch bag between his teeth and began to climb.

The makeshift ladder was longer than he remembered, and his forearms were aching by the time he reached the top. He felt for the hatch and, finding it, threw it open. He emerged into sunlight, Levi on his heels.

They let the hatch fall closed as they took in their surroundings. The ladder had taken them to the top of a small platform overlooking the city. A small wall, about mid-thigh height on Erwin, encircled the platform, giving them some privacy. A sea of clay roofs sprawled before them, and above them, the sky was wide and blue.

Levi's eyes widened. "You can see the whole city from here."

"This was a guard tower, back in the time when the walls were new and the military kept a vigilant watch on the citizens at all hours. It hasn't been used in decades. Since it's one of the highest vantage points in this area, not counting the walls, I thought it might appeal to you."

Levi did a slow spin. "Not bad. Not bad at all."

"No one else seems to know this spot exists, so it's private." Erwin sat down, leaning back against the wall. "The view's nice at night, too."

"You come up here a lot?"

"I used to, years ago."

Levi's face twisted. "With Henrik."

Erwin fell silent.

The man's brows dropped. "It's barely been a full fucking day since we first kissed, and you're already pulling down his picture frame and taking me to your secret spot? I'm not just a replacement. You can't force me into the hole he left behind."

For a moment, Erwin stared, taken aback by the outburst. Levi leaned against the wall and tightened his arms around his chest, his brows low. A breeze drifted between them, ruffling his dark hair and his cravat.

"Levi," said Erwin quietly, "while it's true I used to come here with Henrik, I continued to come here alone long after he was gone. My only thought was that you would enjoy the height and the view. As for the picture, I took it down last night before I came to see you. Through your words, I came to realize that I was hanging on to a ghost of a memory, mourning him out of habit. I promise you, Levi, it never once occurred to me to replace him. You're so unlike him that I couldn't possibly compare the two of you."

The man stared at his feet, his jaw clenching. "Unalike how?"

Erwin hesitated. He considered it rude to talk about a past partner, but Levi seemed to be waiting, so he gave in. "My relationship was Henrik was strange. I disliked him when we first met - he was a clown, a man who had no qualms throwing his dignity aside for a cheap laugh. I found him obnoxious. Over the years, and after countless drunken nights that I usually regretted the next morning, he finally wore away my resistance and began to win my heart. It was hardly a traditional love story, and the only reason we were so close in the end was because we had years for our relationship to grow."

"So what about me?"

"Completely unlike that. The moment I first..." Erwin trailed off, cheeks warming. If Levi was feeling skittish, he shouldn't dump this on him.

As if sensing his hesitation, the other said, "I need to hear this."

"Well, obviously your skills piqued my interest immediately. I enjoy a worthy opponent, and your resistance was attractive. I'd be lying if I said I didn't find you physically attractive then, too."

"While you were having Mike kick the shit out of me? You fucking sadist."

"Not exactly at that moment, but when I first saw you, yes. When I saw you take down your first titan, my admiration began to grow, but you were still so hostile that I swallowed everything back. Even as we interacted more, even as you began to warm up to me, I was still able to deny my feelings. Then came the day you broke down in my office. I don't know what possessed me to hold you, but..." He shook his head. "Whatever this is between us, Levi, it's completely unlike what happened with Henrik. With him, I needed time to appreciate him. With you, I've been trying to suppress my feelings since we first locked eyes."

There was a long pause. Levi still wasn't looking at him, but his stance was more relaxed now.

"Are we okay?" asked Erwin, carefully selecting the same words Levi had given him in the morning.

"Yeah." Finally, the grey eyes locked onto him. "Yeah, we're okay."

For a beat, their eyes held, then Erwin smiled. "Why don't we have some lunch now, and then we can move on to the business I need to discuss with you?" He cocked his head to his right, inviting Levi to sit next to him.

The man's nose wrinkled. "There's bird shit everywhere."

"I can bring some old sheets or a tarp next time, if we decide to come here again. For now, use this." He took off his jacket and set it beside him as a makeshift seat.

Levi eyed him for a moment, then sat. Without warning, he lunged to grab the Commander's pendant, pulling himself in for a kiss. The force of it slammed Erwin's back against the wall, knocking a grunt from him.

Levi barely pulled away to murmur, "That's for offering your jacket." He kissed him a second time, hard, then released the pendant. "That's for looking so fucking hot without it."

A bit dazed, Erwin looked down at his plain dress shirt and 3DMG straps. "It's all standard issue."

"Take the damned compliment." Levi flopped to a seat beside him and pulled a sandwich out of his bag. The small mouth was still in its standard frown, the expression bored, but somehow, Erwin could tell that his spirit was lighter. He was learning to read Levi on a level he couldn't quite identify.

They began to eat. Erwin watched Levi out of the corner of his eye, fascinated by his eating habits: small bites, delicate chewing, a dab with the cloth napkin after every bite. Where did a boy growing up on the streets learn those manners? He already had a suspicion that the abridged personal history Levi had given him the week before was missing a few key chapters, and small details like this only made his suspicions grow.

Swallowing his last bite, Erwin wiped his mouth, then poured them each a mug of tea from the thermos. "I want you to come to the Capital with me."

Levi's gaze slid toward him. "When?"

"This week. When I was a Squad Leader, Shadis often brought me along to acquaint me with the duties of high-ranking positions. I have an eye on you as our future Captain, so I think it's important to start exposing you to the bigger picture. You'll accompany me to the inauguration and gala. I'll introduce you to others of your ranking, and..." He leaned forward. "You'll be helping me with some research."

Finishing his meal, Levi set his bag aside. "What do you mean by research?"

"What I'm about to say is highly classified: do not repeat this to anyone." Even though there was no way they could be overheard, Erwin's voice dropped. "You were right about the supply silo. Those red chests we found contained gold belonging to the King. Someone led us to believe we were retrieving vital supplies, knowing we would find the King's money instead. We need to root out the source of the lie."

"Good," said Levi. "So we'll be doing an interrogation?"

"Before we do anything drastic, I want to politely question an old friend and see if we can dig a little deeper." He paused. "I'm also thinking we might be able to find out what happened to your aunt." He studied the other, watching for a reaction.

"I know what happened to my aunt," said Levi flatly, and the defensiveness only heightened Erwin's suspicions that the story he had been given was incomplete.

"You said she was arrested, but that was years ago," he said carefully. "If she's still imprisoned, I may be able to pull some strings to free her. I can be very persuasive."

With a sigh, Levi gathered his legs, his knees casually lolling against his elbows. "Look, Erwin, you told me last night there'll be things you can't tell me, right? The same goes for me. Don't dig into things that should stay buried. I swear you can trust me."

Erwin realized he had been trying to manipulate the man instead of treating him like an equal, and his stomach sank. _It's been so long since I've had a partner - or even a friend - that I've forgotten how to interact with people. _"Okay, Levi."

After a pause, Levi moved closer, casually draping an arm across Erwin's upper back. "So the inauguration and then a gala, huh?"

"Yes. I'm planning to head into town tomorrow to buy your soap, and I thought you might like to come along and purchase a suit for the gala. I know a good tailor."

"I can't afford a suit."

"Your salary should more than cover it, shouldn't it?" Their pay was modest, but they had almost no expenses.

Levi sighed. "Don't tell anyone this, okay? You remember my friend Farlan? His sister had a bad head injury about ten years ago and never recovered; she gets confused easily and doesn't know where she is. Farlan found a home for her that has nurses who keep her happy and healthy. Before we joined up, we used to do odd jobs to raise the cash, and then we pooled parts of our military salary for awhile. I decided to take over the entire payments after Farlan…" He trailed off. "It's my fault he can't provide for her anymore."

Every time Erwin thought he had Levi figured out, the man handed him a new piece that didn't fit the puzzle. "Are you saying you give away your entire salary?"

"Most of it. What do I need money for?"

"A suit, for one thing." He did a quick calculation of his own finances: he had been amassing pay for several years, and he had come to the military with a sizeable sum of money to begin with. "One could argue that ultimately, your friend joined the Survey Corps because I forced you to join. Paying for his sister should be my responsibility."

Levi looked at him, eyes wide. "That's stupid."

"I can easily afford it. If that seems like too much, then at least let me cover half. That will allow you to have some money of your own."

"Look, just stop. I'm not going to accept your help. I'll wear my fucking uniform to this thing."

"The King and several Lords and Ladies are going to be present, Levi. Our uniforms aren't appropriate." Other branches had formal dress uniforms, but Survey Corps soldiers had such a low life expectancy and so little reason to wear fancy dress that the Interior had deemed them an unnecessary expenditure.

"Would my uniform be too much of a reminder that people are out there dying for them?" Levi scoffed. "They have a problem with it, they can buy me a suit themselves."

Erwin leaned back into the other's arm and closed his eyes; the sun lit up his vision in red. As was traditional in the Survey Corps, he had mostly let Levi's lack of discipline slide on matters of formality. The world outside the wall was so chaotic that it seemed petty to focus on minutiae like proper salutes and titles. While all the soldiers had a healthy respect for command and strong discipline on the field, that was due to necessity more than training. Those who stepped out of line got eaten.

It wasn't like that in the Interior, where people were safe enough to hold themselves to arbitrary rules and customs rather than the rule of life or death. Very few soldiers in the Corps had the training to adapt to that lifestyle, and Levi seemed the type to outright rebel against it.

"You will wear a suit, Levi," he said without opening his eyes. "I'll buy it for you myself, if I have to. It's important that the Survey Corps shows a secure and united front, and that may mean following social customs that seem pointless. Like it or not, we have to play by their rules if we want to advance our goals. I promise you, it's not forever. Just for now."

In the pause that followed, the scent of warm tile and baking earth rose on the breeze. It smelled like spring. He found himself reluctant to open his eyes. Would anyone care if he took a nap here in the sunlight with Levi's arm across his back?

"Okay, Erwin," said Levi quietly. "I'll get a fucking suit."

Opening one eye, Erwin peered at him. "I'll make sure you're rewarded for it."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning suits are attractive, and I'll be sure to appreciate you wearing one."

Levi's cheeks darkened, but he looked away. "More vague bullshit."

"I promise it will be worth your patience." Now he had relayed all the information he had intended, and he should end the meeting, but the thought of Levi in a well-tailored suit was more exciting than it had any right to be. He glanced at the man, fighting the urge to pull him onto his lap. There was still a mountain of paperwork to get through; this meeting was taking up too much time as it was.

"When are you comfortable meeting next?" he asked. "To spend the night together. How soon is too soon?"

Levi's brow furrowed. "Do we have to plan it? Can't it just be spontaneous?"

"If we leave it to whim, I'll be back in your room tonight, and we're supposed to be taking things slowly. Besides, we're starting to arouse suspicions."

He felt Levi's arm tense across his back. "Is that what shitty four-eyes was talking to you about?"

"It is. Between you and me: Hange tried to blackmail me."

"Blackmail _you_?" Levi's scoff was the closest thing to a laugh that Erwin had heard from him. "Talk about picking the wrong target."

"It was a mistake, but a revealing one: Hange's determination and drive will make for a formidable ally, with a bit of coaching."

"That fucking idiot," muttered Levi. "It's my fault. When we were stuck in that tree, I talked about you a bit."

"Really?"

"A lot."

Erwin's brows rose. He hadn't expected to be so prevalent on Levi's mind. The thought of the man shivering on a tree branch and thinking of him made his throat tighten, and he suddenly turned and gathered him in a tight hug, the angle awkward.

"Fuck," breathed Levi as the air was squeezed out of him. "What the hell, Erwin?"

"I appreciate you thinking about me, that's all." He loosened his grip a little, but didn't let go.

"Are you going to get this sappy anytime I say anything remotely sentimental?"

"Possibly."

In the distance, the city clock struck one.

Embarrassed by his loss of control, Erwin released him, then stood, straightening his uniform. "I didn't realize we'd been up here so long. I have a one o'clock meeting with Shadis. Come by my office tomorrow after breakfast, and we'll go into town together. Civilian garb, please." If Levi's celebrity was growing as quickly as Shadis suggested, then going out in uniform might get them lots of unwanted attention.

"Sure." Levi stood on his toes and grabbed Erwin's neck in a futile attempt to reach his mouth for a kiss. "Fuck, you're too tall."

Erwin leaned down and gave him a long, soft kiss. When he pulled away, he took a moment to run his knuckle along the narrow jaw line. It was still so strange seeing that gentle expression in Levi's eyes; he felt so relaxed that he imagined his own face looked the same.

"Don't forget this." Levi retrieved the jacket he had been using as a seat, then shook it out and handed it over. "Wash that before you wear it again. It's covered in bird shit." He bent down and lifted the trap door. "You go first. I'll wait a minute or two, in case anyone's at the bottom."

"Good plan." Stepping down onto the ladder brought Erwin to Levi's eye level, and he couldn't resist stealing one more kiss before he descended.

.*.*.*.

Levi lingered on the rooftop for a minute longer, waiting for the heat to leave his cheeks. It annoyed him that a couple kisses were enough to leave him this flustered. If he was this bad now, how was he going to react when they finally had sex?

Once he had given Erwin enough of a head start, he began to climb down the ladder, letting the trap door fall closed above him. He exited through the dark room and the door with the faulty lock, closing it firmly into place behind him. His nose wrinkled again at the dirty hallway. Perhaps he would take Erwin's suggestion and round up some of the new recruits as a cleaning crew.

He rounded the corner, and his eyes narrowed as he saw a familiar face at the end of the hall. Silently, he closed the distance, then smacked the ponytailed head hard. Hange's glasses fell to the floor.

"Oof, what the hell?" Hange dropped to all fours, feeling around.

"You know what that was for, shit-for-brains."

"Levi?"

He kicked the glasses out of the way, then squatted down and gripped Hange's collar. "Do you understand what a fucking secret is?"

Hange winced. "I had no choice. I needed leverage, and that was the only thing I could use against him."

"And how did that turn out for you, asshole?" His voice dropped. "You betrayed my trust for nothing. Erwin and I talked last night, and nothing's going to happen. We're done."

"Oh." Hange's mouth drooped into a frown. "I'm sorry, Levi. I know you like him, and the way you two were looking at each other all the time, I thought for sure-"

"Shut up." He reached for the glasses and handed them over. "You're going to help me clean until I decide to tolerate you again, and you're going to find recruits to help us."

"There's no need to be so bossy," muttered Hange, adjusting the glasses into place.

"You're lucky I'm letting you off this easy. Get going."

And so Levi threw himself into his work, and time began to fly. It wasn't that he enjoyed cleaning, necessarily; it was grueling, tedious work. The feeling of peace when he brought order to chaos, however, was worth all the effort. His peace was somewhat interrupted by Hange's constant chatter with some of the new recruits. He half-listened, aware that he was supposed to be thinking about rebuilding his squad. A few of them caught his eye with their obedience and attention to detail, particularly a dark-haired man by the name of Gunther. He made a mental note to speak with the man's Team Leader to find out how he performed on the field.

They broke for dinner, and neither Erwin nor Shadis made an appearance in the mess hall. Apparently Shadis was heading back to the training camp the next morning, so he imagined the two were in for a long night as they finalized all of Erwin's training.

That night, Levi rearranged the furniture in his room to his liking, then washed up and crawled into bed. He expected sleep to come easily after a night in a tree then another up late with Erwin, but he found himself tossing and turning. His head still felt strange from the concussion, and he couldn't get warm. It had been such a clear day that the temperature must have dropped radically when the sun went down. He burrowed into his blankets, shivering.

Would seeing Erwin two nights in a row really be too much, too soon? He couldn't stop thinking about how warm those broad hands would feel on his skin.

Pulling on his pyjama bottoms, he slipped through his door and padded down the hallway. A crack of light shone from the bottom of Erwin's door, so he knocked once. Twice. "Erwin?"

When there was no response, he turned the knob and peered into the room.

Erwin was slumped across a small desk in the corner, a mountain of papers beside him. Though his head was facing the other way, Levi could see his back rising and falling with even breaths.

_I bet Shadis sent him to bed, but he kept working in here anyway. _Levi stepped into the room and silently closed the door behind him, then locked it. The floor creaked as he moved closer, but Erwin didn't stir. A pen sat loosely in his hand, its point bleeding a massive pool of ink onto a piece of paper.

"Erwin," whispered Levi.

"Hm?" The man lifted his head, his eyelids heavy and his hair ruffled. "Levi?"

Levi felt a wave of fondness. "You need to go to bed, you idiot."

Erwin blinked, running a hand through his hair. "The paperwork-"

"Can wait. Here." He leaned in and loosened the Commander's pendant, then pulled it over the man's head and set it on the desk. His free hand began to work at Erwin's buttons, subtly admiring the man's physique as it was revealed. He briefly considered tracing the lines of the muscled abdomen with his tongue, then decided Erwin was likely to fall asleep on him before it led anywhere. Maybe in the morning.

"Stand up," he said. "You're going to bed."

Erwin lurched to his feet, then plodded to the bed and sagged onto it. "You aren't supposed to be here," he mumbled.

"And you aren't supposed to fall asleep on a desk, you fucking workaholic. Move over. It's too cold to sleep alone."

Erwin shifted, leaving room.

Once he had extinguished the lamp, Levi crawled into bed next to his exhausted Commander and pulled the covers overtop of them. He rolled onto his side and pressed closer, laying a hand on the centre of Erwin's chest. Heat rolled between them in waves, and he finally began to feel warm.

"This isn't going to be a nightly thing," he said. "Don't get used to it. I was just cold."

After a moment of silence, he realized Erwin was already unconscious. Snuggling closer, he buried his face in the man's shoulder, and a moment later, he began to drift to sleep.


	8. Mouth

**A/N: **_Thank you to those of you who are reading and commenting. :) I really appreciate your encouragement!_

_So, I'm starting to feel like I'm pushing the M-rating a bit on this story, but coming from a culture where sex isn't a big deal, I'm a bad judge of where that line is... If are uncomfortable with anything I've written here and think it's too strong for an M and would like me to censor it, I encourage you to reach out to me privately (you can even drop me an anonymous ask at my Tumblr, masksarehot, if you're shy). I've been toying with the idea of posting a slightly edited version of this story here to keep it safely M, and the full uncensored version at AO3 (since I'm updating both sites simultaneously anyway)... For now, the two versions are identical but if I get any complaints, I'm happy to make that distinction. Let me know._

_At any rate, I hope you enjoy this latest chapter. More coming soon! Feedback is always welcome and is greatly appreciated! :)_

* * *

**8**

**Mouth**

Erwin awoke the next morning to discover he was spooning behind Levi, his arms wrapped around the man's narrow ribcage. It took him a moment to remember being ordered to bed the night before, but when he did, he smiled to himself. Levi acted tough, but beneath it all, he was caring.

The room was bright, sun lighting up the curtains; they must have slept through reveille. There was still a mountain of paperwork to do, and his bladder was full, but he couldn't bring himself to move away from Levi just yet. He stroked the man's chest with his fingertips, acquainting himself with the soft smattering of chest hair. Levi stirred, shifting back against him, and he was so warm that Erwin's hips rocked against his will.

"You awake back there?" asked Levi, voice groggy. "Or just dry-humping me in your sleep?"

Erwin cleared his throat. "I'm awake. It looks like we slept through reveille."

"Screw reveille. We were both going on leave today, anyway - unless you decided to do more paperwork instead."

"I should probably take a break. I've been told I'm a workaholic." He nuzzled the back of the narrow neck, then began to trace a slow figure-eight with his tongue.

Levi gave a shuddering breath and edged back against him. "If you want something, Erwin..."

He did want something: he wanted to sink his teeth into Levi's neck, pull down the thin layer of cloth between them and thrust into him. The mental image was so powerful that his eyes squeezed shut. _You promised yourself you would move slowly._

Well, maybe sex was off the table for now, but there were other options.

He slid his palm down the muscled abdomen, then lower, overtop of the waistband. As he rubbed the strained fabric between Levi's legs, he heard a soft groan. This was something he had forgotten about having a male partner: thanks to physiological responses after sleep, morning lent itself well to intimacy.

"Fuck," whispered Levi, tilting his hips into the grip. Erwin felt a sympathy wave of arousal so strong that his eyes rolled back into his head. He firmly slid his hand back up to the waistband, preparing to plunge beneath it this time.

A knock sounded at the door. "Erwin? Are you in there?" called Shadis' voice.

"Fuck," muttered Levi, and Erwin marvelled at his ability to get so many different meanings out of a single word. _Fuck, indeed._

It was tempting to pretend he wasn't in, but Shadis was scheduled to return to his post with the trainees, so this would likely be their last opportunity to speak for several months. Retracting his hand, Erwin threw off the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed.

"Ignore him," whispered Levi.

"I can't. He's leaving." Louder, he said, "One moment please, Keith."

Levi muttered a slew of curses as he sat up. "Fine, I'll hide," he whispered. "But you'd better worry about hiding _that._"

Erwin looked down and saw the size of the bulge in his pants. Gritting his teeth, he strode to the closet. He stripped off his pyjama bottoms, then pulled on a pale blue dress shirt and his uniform pants, struggling to close the fly. He fastened the brown skirt of his uniform as well, letting it fall loosely in front of his groin to try to disguise the bulge. He turned to see Levi staring at him, wide-eyed, and realized he had just given the man a show. _It's not as if he's never seen me change before,_ he thought, but changing in a roomful of colleagues was different than changing after spending the night in each other's arms.

He strode to the door. In his periphery, he saw Levi step into the closet.

"Sorry for the wait, sir," said Erwin as he opened the door, then saluted.

"At ease." Shadis was wearing a long jacket, a travelling bag in his hand. "You weren't at breakfast, so I thought you'd left early for your leave. Glad I managed to catch you."

Erwin could feel Levi's presence in the closet, burning a hole in his mind; his eyes kept trying to dart in that direction, even though the motion would probably make him look suspicious. "My apologies; I had a bit of a long night."

"Understandable. Care to walk me to my carriage?"

Heading outside was probably a good idea. The further he was from Levi, the less suspicious he would act.

As they began to walk down the hallway, Erwin said, "The next-of-kin documentation went out in the post this morning, and I'll have my formal reports ready in time for my arrival at the Capital. Thank you again for all your help."

"Of course. Do you have everything you need from me?"

"I believe so, yes. If I have any questions, I'll send a messenger to the training barracks." He hesitated. "I started drafting up the documentation for my incident with Mike."

"What?" Shadis shook his head. "Leave that off the books."

"Sir?"

"I won't breathe a word of it, and I doubt any of your troops will, either. Better that the brass doesn't have anything to hold against you later." Shadis smiled at him. "You're going to be one hell of a Commander, Erwin. Just remember what I said about your humanity. Keep your head, but keep your heart, too. Find that balance point."

"I'll do my best." Erwin absently touched his wounded eye. It didn't hurt as much now that a couple of days had passed, but he could still feel it: a reminder that he was capable of tipping the balance too far in either direction.

They arrived in the courtyard. An elegant carriage waited for Shadis, far nicer than the ones that usually transported the Survey Corps, and Erwin raised an eyebrow. Apparently the Trainee Corps had money to spare.

Shadis clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Take care, son."

"You too, Keith." He gave one last salute, then Shadis stepped into the carriage.

Erwin watched as the carriage left the gates. Now he was formally in control of the Survey Corps, with no mentor watching over him, no one to keep him in check if he pushed too far. Any restraint would have to come from within. Like his personal life, pushing too quickly could cause complications: he had to take it slowly. There were plans to be executed, but not until he had all the pieces aligned, and that could take years of careful arrangement.

Sometimes, he envied people like Hange, who lived their lives with a reckless disregard for self-control. Ever since Erwin had been a little boy, he had lived a life that was deliberate and planned.

What had Levi said during their drink together? That Erwin couldn't trust people, so he controlled them instead? He had hit the nail on the head with that one. _And I trust myself least of all._

When he returned to his room, he found the closet door wide open. Levi was nowhere in sight. He frowned, disappointed, but decided it was just as well: they had errands to run. His stomach was growling, anyway, and he had his heart set on breakfast at his favourite pastry shop in town.

He pulled off his shirt and grabbed a towel and toiletries, heading to wash up.

Levi was in the bath, washing himself; his hand paused when he saw Erwin enter, but then he continued washing, acting as if there was nothing between them. Other soldiers were milling around, so Erwin did his best not to ogle. Selecting the sink nearest the bath, he began to lather his shaving cream.

"'Morning," said Levi, his tone disinterested.

"'Morning." Erwin studied himself in the mirror as he applied the cream. His split lip was already healing, but the black eye was turning a brilliant shade of red-violet. There was no way he was going to be able to hide it for the gala. He'd need to create an interesting story about how he had earned it. And a short one, because he'd likely be telling it many times.

Levi dunked under the water to rinse himself off, then stepped out of the bath. Erwin's eyes briefly slid sideways, taking in the man's dripping naked form. Visions of tracing that body with his palms, his tongue, were so vivid that he closed his eyes for a moment to steady himself. _Take it slowly, take it slowly..._

With exaggerated focus, he leaned closer to the mirror and began to shave.

"Hey. Erwin."

Levi stood beside him, wearing only a towel.

"Yes, Levi?" He carefully kept his eyes on his reflection.

"You eat breakfast yet?"

"Actually, I was thinking of stopping by a pastry shop for something a bit nicer than our usual fare." He rinsed the blade. "You're on leave today too, right? Would you care to join me before you head out? My treat."

Levi's eyes darted to the side, as if he were gauging the distance to the other soldiers cleaning up around them. "There was a thing or two I wanted to take care of before I left."

"Nothing that can't wait, I'm sure. It's a beautiful day outside, and I'd like to get out before the crowds start to clog the sidewalks. I'll meet you by the gates in ten minutes?"

The man's eyes narrowed. "Fine," he muttered, then he turned and left.

Erwin finished shaving, then returned to his room to change his clothes. He swapped out the military pants and skirt for a pair of brown pants and black boots. As he walked toward the main exit, he rubbed a hand along his bare neck. He wasn't even formally a Commander yet and he already felt naked without the pendant.

Levi was leaning against the gate post outside, his arms folded over his chest. He wore a simple grey collared shirt and black pants, his cravat tied at his throat.

"For a man so brilliant, you really are stupid," said Levi, pulling away from the gate to greet him.

"What do you mean?" Erwin unlatched the gate and let Levi through, then closed it behind them.

As they began to walk along the cobblestone, Levi's voice dropped so that no one would overhear: "When I said there were a few things I wanted to take care of, I was hinting I was horny."

"Ah." Erwin felt his cheeks warm. "I'm only human, Levi. I have a few blind spots. You may find you have to be rather aggressive to get through to me."

"So I'm supposed to take it slow, but be aggressive."

"I'm not making a lot of sense right now, am I?"

"No." Levi edged closer, walking so closely next to him that their arms were touching. Erwin found himself deliriously weighing the risks of holding hands - were they far away enough from the base to have anonymity in the crowd? - then realized it didn't matter. Risks aside, the height difference between them was so great that holding hands would require awkward contortion.

He found himself wondering how that height difference would translate into other contexts. _It will certainly make sex against a wall a viable possibility,_ he thought, and the vision took root in his mind. He caught himself glancing down a dark alleyway as they passed, envisioning them secretively fucking against a shadowed wall. His teeth clenched. He really should have taken a private moment to take the edge off before they met up, because he was still worked up from the unexpected interruption earlier .

"I want you to understand, Levi," he said quietly, "my failure to pick up on your hint wasn't for lack of wanting you."

Levi glanced up at him. "I know. I felt how hard you were grinding against my ass this morning."

Erwin's mouth went dry. _Enough. _There was one place in town private enough for them to hide away and blow off some steam, and they would have a few hours to kill while their suits were being tailored. He silently added the new destination to his mental list of the day's errands, hoping they had the willpower to wait until then.

He led them to the pastry shop, a quaint stone building on a corner with large stained-glass windows. Blooming flowers hung at even intervals from its roof, lovingly tended by one of the owners. Inside the shop, protected by glass cases, were trays of flaky pastries prepared with fruit and cream. Levi's eyes widened as he looked over the assortment.

"You could feed an entire family dinner for the cost of one of these," he said.

"Look at this as a celebration for our promotions. The tea assortment is excellent as well." Erwin selected a flat pastry with sliced apples spread on its surface and ordered a pot of floral tea. After a few more minutes, Levi chose a butter tart with a thick crust. Erwin paid, and they settled into a small table in the corner. Levi sat with his back against the wall, his eyes darting to the door each time someone entered, as if sizing up the newcomers. _I wonder if he knows he's doing that,_ thought Erwin, flattered that a man so instinctively guarded had chosen to trust him.

"I didn't realize we were going on a date," said Levi dryly. "I would have brought flowers."

Erwin smiled and poured him a cup of tea. "Not necessarily a date. I've brought others here before with no romantic intent. I enjoy the opportunity to have a little treat now and then."

"Is this what your life would be like if there were no titans? Getting fat on sweets and tea?" Levi carefully cut a chunk out of his tart with a knife and fork.

"I can't even begin to imagine what life would be like if there were no titans. Every choice I've made in my life has been contingent on their existence. No, more than that: every choice I've ever made for others, and every choice that has ever been made for me."

Levi swallowed, then washed down the bite with a sip of tea. "So what will you do when they're gone?"

The question made Erwin pause. He took a careful bite of his pastry, chewing it as he considered. "I don't expect that to happen during our lifetimes," he said finally. "We're laying the foundations for future generations to win the war."

"I think we'll be the ones to destroy them. You're fighting with purpose to get to the bottom of the titans, not just scrambling to survive; once we know what they are, we can exterminate them. So what will you do when that happens?"

Erwin was flattered by Levi's confidence. He knew the words were oversimplification, and more than that, he didn't expect either of them to live to the end of the battle. They were too important to the cause, too front-and-centre; men in their roles did not survive war. His heart twisted. _I wonder which of us will die first._

"If the war is won," he said aloud, "the Survey Corps' objective will shift to establishing new colonies outside the walls and maintaining peace. I would be honoured to help oversee that process."

"That's it?" asked Levi. "Politics and peacekeeping? No settling down in a little house in the country?"

"Well, maybe a bit of that, too. If I had someone to settle down with."

Their eyes held for a moment, then Levi looked down and took another sip of tea. For a few minutes, they ate in silence. The crisp pastry melted on Erwin's tongue in a gradient of flavours: fruit, then butter, then honey. Food of this caliber was a rarity this far from the Interior, and he savoured every bite of it.

Across from him, Levi dragged his fork across his empty plate to collect the remainder of the filling. "That was pretty good."

"I'm glad you enjoyed it." Erwin settled back in his seat, clasping his tea cup with both hands. "So what about you, Levi? What will you do when all this is over?"

"I don't know anymore." The man mirrored his posture and took a sip. "I guess if you're going to oversee settlement or anything like that, I'd help out if I could."

"You wouldn't prefer to find a nice girl, settle down and start a family?"

"Never been interested in girls, and I've got all the family I need." Levi looked into his teacup, swirling the liquid. "I told you, Erwin: where you go, I'll follow."

A lump was forming in Erwin's throat. He cleared it. "I'm not sure what I did to earn your loyalty, but I'm grateful for it."

"You were smarter than me," said Levi bluntly, looking up at him. "You've proven again and again that you see an inhuman number of steps ahead of every situation. I bet you've already figured out exactly how and when this war will end."

Erwin gave a small, humourless smile. "I have my theories."

"But you aren't going to share them."

"It's better that you don't know."

Levi stared at him for a moment, then shook his head and drained the rest of his tea. "Where to next?"

"The general store is on the way to the tailor." Erwin stood. "I believe I owe you some soap."

"All right, but let me pick it out, okay? You'll probably get the wrong one."

"I thought you said I was smarter than you."

"About strategy, not cleanliness. I've seen your fucking office." Levi's eyes twinkled, and the corner of Erwin's lips lifted. _Fair enough._

The general store was just down the street; it was a frequent destination for Survey Corps soldiers due to its proximity to the base. As they stepped into the store, Levi turned toward the soap aisle. Erwin followed, picking out his shaving cream, razors and other toiletries. He hesitated for a moment at the erotic lubricants section, then glanced at Levi, who was busy squinting at a shaving cream label.

_It's going to happen sooner or later._ _Might as well be prepared. _Erwin reached out and grabbed a bottle of erotic oil, hiding it in his palm.

"I just need to grab one more thing," he said to Levi. "I'll meet you up front when you're ready." The only response was a distracted nod.

Erwin made one last stop at the tool case at the back of the store and spoke to the man at the counter. The man eyed him for a moment and then, recognizing him, surreptitiously handed over a small bundle from beneath the counter. Lock picking tools. They would have come in handy during the last mission; it was a waste for someone with Levi's talents to travel unequipped.

Levi was waiting for him at the cashier, a bottle of soap in hand. The cashier began to slide their purchases across the counter as she tallied the total. As she slid the erotic oil into view, Levi turned to Erwin with a raised brow.

"It's good for dry skin," said Erwin, deadpan.

"Your skin doesn't look dry."

"Well, I'd hate to be caught without it if I ever needed it."

"Hm." Levi turned away, his cheeks reddening.

They left the store in silence, making their way down the street to the tailor. Erwin's face was burning, his mind swimming with images of all the ways they could play with the oil. He tried to calm himself down as they approached the tailor's shop, letting his mind fill with boring thoughts like fabric types and suit cuts.

The tailor was a husky man by the name of Olivier with dark curly hair and a handsome grin.

"Mr. Smith," he cried, striding forward. He clasped Erwin's hand and shook it with great enthusiasm. "It's good to see you. And you've brought a friend."

"This is Levi." Erwin glanced down at his companion, who had his arms folded over his chest, an uncomfortable scowl on his face. "We're in need of suits for a gala in the Interior."

"Oh, wonderful." Olivier paced around them, looking them up and down. "I have a suit that will look great on you, Mr. Smith. As for your friend, he's so tiny that we may have to dig into the children's collections, but I believe-"

"What?" growled Levi.

Erwin dropped a hand on the man's shoulder to steady him. "Olivier, we don't need to know what collections the suits are from. Just brings us something that will fit. Levi is a great hero to humanity, so please make sure he looks the part."

"Of course, Mr. Smith," said the tailor with a broad grin.

"Asshole," muttered Levi as the man departed. "Erwin, how much is this bullshit going to cost me?"

"It's an extension of your uniform. It will be covered for you." Erwin didn't mention that he planned to pay for it out of his own pocket, but by the suspicious look Levi gave him, he was certain the man saw straight through him.

Olivier returned with a suit for each of them, rambling about their fashionable attributes. Once they tried them on, he pinned the fabric in several places to demonstrate how they'd fit once they were tailored. Levi looked handsome in his tight-fitting dark grey suit, but he looked down at the price tag on the sleeve and scowled.

"Don't worry about the price," said Erwin.

"We could feed an entire family for a month with this much cash," growled Levi, "and we're going to spend it on shitty suits to impress the fat bastards who're living off the backs of the starving? Fuck this." He pulled off his jacket and dropped it on the floor. Olivier gave a shocked cry and hurried to retrieve it.

Erwin studied Levi for a moment, gauging his size. He had access to an old suit that might fit him with a little alteration.

Turning to the tailor, he gave a polite smile. "I'll take my suit with its alterations please, Olivier. We'll explore other options for Levi for now."

"Of course." The tailor's smile was strained. "I can have that ready for you by four o'clock."

They changed back into their regular clothes and Erwin settled the fees, then cocked his head at the door, signaling that it was time to leave.

When they stepped outside, he said, "I wasn't aware you were so opposed to spending money on fashionable clothing."

Levi smoothed his cravat. "Only when it's for the wrong reasons."

"Are you going to be okay at this gala?"

"I'll be good, if that's what you're asking." Levi looked up. "Where are we going now?"

"A few more blocks down the road," said Erwin. "I know where we can find you a suit, but I'm going to need your help getting in."

The man gave him a blank look.

Reaching into his bag, Erwin pulled out the bundle that contained the lock picking tools. "A gift for you." He hadn't expected them to be useful so soon.

Levi unrolled the bundle. His pace slowed as he stared at the tools. "Erwin," he said suspiciously.

"Don't worry, the home you'll be breaking into is my own. I didn't think to bring along the key. The neighbours don't really know me, so I'd recommend discretion while you work." He was looking forward to seeing the man's skills in action – mostly because he wanted to size them up for a future plan, but partly because, as much as he hated to admit it, the idea of Levi breaking the law was a bit of a turn on.

"So you're taking me home on the first date?" Levi shook his head. "I thought we were taking it slow."

"I have an old suit that might fit you. I wore it when I graduated from the Trainee Corps." Erwin watched him, waiting for a reaction, and he wasn't disappointed; Levi cast him a withering glare.

"No fucking way you were my size when you were fifteen."

"Seventeen – I joined up a couple years later than most. And yes, I was a late bloomer; I didn't hit my growth spurt until I was almost eighteen."

"I'm still waiting for mine," muttered Levi. It was the closest he had ever come to joking about his height, and Erwin glanced at him, surprised. Height had always seemed like a sore spot for him.

There was a long silence as they shifted into single file, winding their way down a particularly busy street. When they fell into step together again, Levi said quietly, "Does it bother you?"

"What?"

"My height."

"No. Truth be told, I find it attractive," said Erwin. "Why? Does my height bother you?"

Levi shrugged. "It's going to make some things difficult."

"Like holding hands."

The grey eyes narrowed at him. "I meant in the bedroom."

Erwin cleared his throat, realizing how naïve he must have sounded. "Nothing a few pillows can't overcome. Besides, we can get creative. There are several positions that only work with a sizeable height difference. I have a few in mind we can try."

Their gaze held, and he realized they were discussing sex as casually as if they'd been together for years. His face burned; he was certain it must be beet red.

"This is fucked up," muttered Levi, blushing as well. "You won't even let me touch your dick, and we're already planning how we're going to fuck. It's like a business contract."

"It's good to plan ahead," said Erwin.

"Of course you'd say that. You probably have our whole timeline mapped out on paper." Levi shook his head. "It's okay to be spontaneous once in awhile, you know. A relationship isn't a battlefield; acting on an impulse won't kill you."

The words sparked something to life within Erwin, a playfulness he had long ago suppressed. _Very well._

His eyes did a quick sweep of the area. Seeing they were in the clear, he grabbed Levi's arm and yanked him several paces sideways into an empty, narrow alley.

"What-" began Levi, but Erwin dropped his bag, grabbed the man's shoulders and threw him against the wall. Their mouths met in a long, deep kiss. He felt Levi's groan rumble through his jaw, felt strong hands claw into his ass.

He tore his mouth from Levi's and moved to whisper in his ear: "I'd like to remind you that it was my spontaneous kiss that started this madness, and my spontaneous hand-hold that continued it, and I promise you, neither of those were planned."

Then, his point proven, he pulled away entirely and bent to retrieve his bag.

For a moment, Levi stayed flat against the wall as if stunned; his eyes were wide, his lips still parted.

"Shall we proceed?" asked Erwin, secretly proud to have thrown him off.

"Shit," said Levi, and he finally pulled away from the wall, brushing at his shirt. "You've got a bit of an ego on you, don't you?"

"What do you mean?"

"Every time I insult you about something, like jumping onto the roof or being spontaneous, you have to try to prove me wrong. I wonder..." Levi cocked his head at him. "Bet you're too chicken-shit to jerk me off right here in this alleyway."

Erwin smiled, enjoying the man's deadpan humour. "Subtle, but I'm wise to your wily ploys, Levi. Besides, I can think of nicer venues than a dirty alleyway."

"Fine," said the man with a sigh. "Then lead on."

"Not much further now." After that kiss, Erwin was glad they were getting closer to refuge. He had only meant to catch Levi off guard, but his plan had backfired; now his thoughts were running away on him again, too.

They rounded a corner into a residential district, and Erwin slowed.

"There." He pointed at a single-story rowhome, its entrance barely visible in the shadows. "The brown door. Do not allow anyone to see you enter."

"No problem." Levi began to approach the house from the sidewalk, his hands in his pockets. He gave a glance up and down the street, then walked straight for the door and pulled a tool from his pocket; a glint of silver, and the door opened. He stepped inside.

Erwin scanned the area to make sure no eyes were on him, then casually strode to the door and opened it. Levi stood in the room, arms folded over his chest.

"That's it?" asked Erwin.

"You'd be amazed to learn how easy it is to break through any door. Locks are more of an honour system than actual protection."

"That's disconcerting." He closed the door behind him and locked it. "What about doors in a military building? Similarly easy?"

Levi squinted, as if trying to read him. "Maybe a bit trickier, but not by much. We used to break into Military Police bunkers all the time."

"Good." Before any questions could come up, he changed the topic: "Welcome to my home. This is where I come when I need to hide from the world."

Levi did a slow spin, and Erwin took it in through his eyes. The wooden room was large enough to contain a bed, a desk, a wardrobe for his belongings, a small stove and an icebox, with very little room to navigate between each of them. A door on the left wall, closed, led to a small bathroom. Inside the bathroom was his one luxury: a hand-pump shower. It took a good deal more work than a bath, but left him feeling cleaner, and sometimes, especially after expeditions with high body counts, he desperately needed to feel clean.

The shower was sure to impress his cleanliness-obsessed guest, but as he was about to give a tour, he caught sight of an unmarked envelope on the floor. Someone must have slid it beneath the door. He bit the inside of his cheek, knowing there was only one person who could have delivered it. _I told her not to contact me here._

As he bent down to retrieve it, Levi stepped into the room and ran a finger along the surface of the desk. "This place is small." He rubbed his fingers together. "And dusty."

"It meets my needs," said Erwin absently. He retrieved his letter opener from the desk, then slit the envelope open. "There's a feature in the bathroom you might like. Feel free to take a look." He pulled out the letter and unfolded it, scanning the elegant script:

_'Erwin,_

_'The city is abuzz with news of your upcoming promotion. Commander of the Survey Corps? Disgraceful. I always prayed for you to come home, but not under such distressing circumstances. Your mother weeps for you every night - she pretends she doesn't, but I hear her, and it breaks my heart; it should break yours, too, if you have any feelings left at all. If you won't abandon your sacrilegious path, at least be man enough to tell her why you betray us.'_

He felt a throbbing twitch in his eye. As casually as if the letter was an unwanted advertisement, he tore the paper down its centre and dropped it in the garbage bin.

"Bad news?" asked Levi. Erwin looked up to see the man frozen with one hand on the bathroom doorknob, watching him.

He gave a polite smile. "No, just annoying clutter. Sometimes shopkeepers drop flyers in my mail slot."

One of Levi's brows furrowed. "It looked like there was a Wallist crest on it."

"The butcher down the street is rather devout." It wasn't a lie, exactly, just an unrelated truth. Erwin moved to the wardrobe and pulled open the door. "Here we are." He pulled out a black suit. The collar was a little too high for current fashions, and the fabric was a bit cheap, but it was serviceable.

Levi accepted the hanger, his fingertips sliding along the collar as he held it up against his body to compare. "You're shitting me, right? This has to belong to an ex-boyfriend or something. There's no fucking way you were this small when you were seventeen."

"Ask Mike. He was a full foot taller than me for most of our training; used to use my head as an elbow-rest." Erwin shook his head. "You wouldn't have recognized me back then. I was an awkward teenager - nose too big for my face, enormous feet, cracking voice."

"Couldn't have been that awkward. You said you were with a woman while you were training." Levi pulled the jacket over his shirt. He sniffed. "You wore the same cologne."

"I did, and yes, I was with someone - I can't tell you what she saw in me. Half the trainees were in love with her. She ended up marrying a friend of mine, and they've done quite well for themselves." Erwin stepped forward to straighten Levi's collar. "The sleeves are a bit long on you, but the fit across the shoulders is good. Try on the pants, too."

Levi pulled off his boots, setting them neatly by the entrance, then undid his belt. He dropped his pants and stepped out of them, and Erwin's eyes trailed the muscular thighs and calves. He wanted to rub his palms along them, feel the wiry hair, kneel between them-

_Focus. _He glanced at the wall, waiting.

"They actually fit pretty well." Levi took a couple steps in place, tugging at the fabric to test its give. "Bit tight in the crotch."

"They were a bit short on me, so I thought they might work." Erwin looked him up and down. The suit accentuated the taper between Levi's upper and lower torso, and hugged his muscular thighs.

"Well?" Levi did a slow spin. The fabric was tight against his ass. Erwin took a long, deep breath. They were locked away from sight, they had a few hours to kill, and he couldn't be the only one slowly going mad from lack of contact. Surely it would be okay to give in to his lust for a little while.

Stepping in, he caught the slender jaw, bending down for a deep kiss. Levi pulled away to give him a withering look.

"You creep, I'm dressed like your kid self."

"I never saw myself in it." Erwin went for his neck instead. "All I see is an athletic man in a tight suit." He nipped at the skin beneath Levi's ear; his palms slid aggressively down the man's sides, then his hips.

"You're going to wrinkle it if you keep that up."

"It needs to be pressed anyway." He felt dizzy, high on their proximity. His tongue traced a meandering line up to the man's earlobe, where he rumbled, "I've spent the whole morning thinking about what I want to do to you."

"Fuck," breathed Levi, his hip muscles tensing.

The unconscious reaction gave Erwin bravery. He pulled back to look the man in the eye. "I'm going to undress you and lay you down on the bed, and then I'm going to explore your entire body with my mouth." He hadn't intended to push things so far this soon, but his body's ache was once again drowning out his logic. He waited for Levi's reaction, heart pounding in his throat.

The man paled, staring at him with wide eyes. "Okay."

They kissed again, and Erwin unbuttoned the suit jacket; he tossed it over the desk chair, then began to unbutton the dress shirt beneath it. Levi groaned into his mouth and reached for Erwin's collar.

Erwin caught his wrist. "Just you."

"I don't want to be naked by myself." Levi leaned in again, nipping his lower lip. "I won't try anything unless you ask. I just want to see you."

The fog of hormones and damp panting breaths and racing heartbeats made it difficult to think straight. Erwin released his wrist, and they began to unbutton each other's shirts.

When they were both topless, he crushed Levi against his body, feeling the warmth of skin against skin. Levi's hands curled into his back, clawed into his flesh, and he felt his eyelids flutter shut. He needed to be closer, needed to be closer - he walked Levi back to the bed and pushed him onto it, then dropped on top of him, grinding him into the mattress. Levi rolled him over with surprising strength, and their mouths locked, their hips rocking.

_This is too fast,_ thought Erwin, and it wasn't at all what he had planned, but he didn't want it to stop. He raked down Levi's back, and the man grabbed his hair in response, pulling hard.

"Fuck," growled Erwin, the word breaking their kiss. Levi jerked his hair, tugging his head back, opening up his throat; he felt a warm tongue trace either side of his trachea. Their legs intertwined, and Levi's foot slid along the shin of his pants, stroking him with his toes. The sensation was oddly familiar...

Erwin froze as a memory crashed over him: he and Henrik on this very bed, rolling and laughing on its surface, their feet rubbing playfully together, Henrik's toe trailing down his shin-

"Hey." Levi released his hair. "You okay?"

"I..." It took several blinks to clear the intrusive memory from his mind. "My apologies. I'm okay."

The man watched him for a moment, then rolled off him. "Here. You lead."

Touched by his consideration, Erwin nodded his thanks. "Sit at the end of the bed."

Levi obeyed, and together they pulled off his pants and undergarments. Erwin untied the cravat last and set it aside, and then it was just Levi sitting in front of him, nude and beautiful. Erwin knelt between his legs and slowly rubbed his hands along the man's arms. This was a position of worship, and he intended to pay homage to this contradiction of a man, to the surprising strength in the small body, to the caring nature beneath the crass exterior.

Their eyes locked. Levi's jaw was quivering, his chest rising and falling with quick breaths. Erwin leaned forward to press a soft kiss into the centre of that chest. He could feel the pounding heartbeat beneath his lips, could smell Levi's raw scent. He felt himself throb in response and decided this would be a good time to take off the rest of his clothes, before his pants became too uncomfortable.

He stood and unbuttoned his pants, then slid them off his bruised hips. There was nothing between them now - no clothes, no ranks, no politics. They had been naked together before, but never in such an intimate context. The honesty of it was humbling.

His groin was at Levi's eye level, less than half a metre from his face, and Erwin could feel the faint breeze of breath on his skin. Levi stared, then slowly his eyes rose to meet Erwin's, as if asking permission. Erwin swallowed hard. He wanted to step forward into that mouth, so badly that he ached, but he forced himself to kneel down instead.

He had promised to explore Levi's entire body, but he could already tell that the man was struggling to restrain himself, so it seemed cruel to tease him much longer. He began to kiss along a thigh instead. Levi's hands tightened into the quilt, and he was so quiet that Erwin wondered if he was holding his breath.

Slowly, his kisses moved closer to the centre, the hair getting thicker, the scent getting stronger, heat wafting from the skin in a layer so thick that it was almost tangible. He nuzzled soft, wrinkled flesh, and Levi let out a low curse. Here, he could taste Levi's scent, amplified and warm; it mingled with the familiar scent of a man's groin, and also a third element that was completely new, completely unique to this area of this man's body. Shivers ran down Erwin's spine and settled in his tailbone, and he let out a quiet moan.

Levi shifted. "Stop sniffing my crotch, you pervert," he said, voice strained.

"I can't stop. You smell so good." Erwin's voice cracked. He began to trail his lips higher, barely skimming the skin, breathing in. As he approached the tip, his tongue made contact, then began to drag.

The groan that sounded in Levi's throat was so unchecked, so vulnerable, that Erwin's eyes fluttered closed. He ran his tongue in a slow circle, teasing.

"Fuck," gasped Levi, and he tilted his pelvis, trying to thrust deeper.

Erwin gripped his hips, locking him firmly in place. _Not yet. _Still shallow, he released a long, hot breath, then inhaled deeply, playing with air currents.

"Fuck! Erwin, please..."

He delivered a soft kiss to the tip and then looked up, delighting in the man's desperate expression: brows pinched, jaw loose, eyes closed. "Please what?"

"Please...your mouth..."

He felt Levi's hands rake into his hair, twisting, pulling, but not pushing down. It shouldn't have been a surprise that Levi would be respectful even in such an intimate situation, but Erwin still found himself noting it anyway. _He has good manners. _His tongue traced another circle, and the hands in his hair tightened.

Gradually, working up and down, he began to take Levi into his mouth, then throat. With each movement, he listened to the man's catching breath, felt the hip muscles twitch wildly beneath his fingertips. Each hint of appreciation made his head swim. He felt as if he were the one receiving the attention, not giving it. When he finally pushed all the way to the base, Levi cried out, and Erwin echoed him with a muffled cry of his own.

Part of him wanted to enjoy this first exploration for hours, discovering every taste and scent and texture, but instinct began to drive him forward. His hand rose to join his mouth, and he fell into a steady rhythm. His ears strained for aural cues, using them to adjust his tempo.

Levi's gripped his hair hard enough to hurt, goosebumps erupting across his skin. His legs wrapped around Erwin's body, his toes curling into Erwin's calves.

_He's close._ Not quite ready to end things, Erwin slowed his pace, then released him to nuzzle and explore with his tongue again. His partner's cries were starting to blur together, curses and begging, and it was so hot, so hot, Erwin's groin ached. He was tempted to push things further, to stand up and thrust into Henrik's mouth, just once-

_Henrik?_

His stomach dropped. The room began to tilt.

He looked up and saw Levi's face, felt the man's toes in his calf, Henrik's toe sliding along his calf as they rolled on the bed, Henrik's toes black and stiff and flames licking along them, the scent of burning flesh still in Erwin's hair no matter how many times he washed it, Henrik's- Levi's dead hand clawing for him from the funeral pyre, Levi's head cracking between the titan's teeth...

The world heaved; he stumbled backwards, gasping for air.

Levi's eyes snapped open. "Erwin?"

The word echoed, distorted, wrapped around Erwin's lungs. "Excuse me," he rasped, and he staggered to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. The reflection in the mirror was wide-eyed and white. A corpse, he looked like a corpse. Darkness began to tighten around him like a noose.

_What the hell is this? _he demanded of himself, feeling as if he were outside his body, watching the scene play out_. You were done mourning him. You were hanging on to a ghost of a memory. You've moved on._

He breathed slowly in and out, trying to regain control of his renegade lungs, but they betrayed him, his breath escaping in a quiet sob.

With shaking hands, he filled the basin and splashed cold water on his face. He rubbed his eyes hard, the wounded one smarting, and he welcomed the pain, using it to try to ground himself.

_There is a trusting, beautiful, aroused firebrand of a man waiting out there for you, and you're fucking it up._

_Get out there and fix this._

He took a deep breath and held it, willing his racing heart to slow.

.*.*.*.

Levi shoved a hand through his hair, eyes on the closed bathroom door. He wasn't sure what to do. Knock on the door? Wait for him to come back? Dress and leave?

Erwin's expression was frozen in his mind: he had looked up in him in utter fear, as if he had been a stranger - no, worse than that. As if Levi had been the face of death. He tried not to take it personally. After all, he had promised patience, and setbacks were to be expected. He tried to remember how hard it had been to start being intimate again after his first boyfriend had died.

But he _was_ taking it personally. That one terrified look seemed to bring to life all his fears about being insufficient: _He saw through me_. _He regrets me._

"Dammit." He rubbed the bridge of his nose. Most likely, the best thing to do was give Erwin some space. He would pull on his clothes, and slip out the door, and they could talk about this later, when they had both had time to process everything.

Before he could move, the bathroom door opened, and Erwin stepped into the room. His eyes were dull, his skin pale, and a damp swath of hair was plastered to his forehead.

_He looks like shit. _Levi's hurt feelings dissipated, concern taking their place. "You okay?"

"This isn't fair to you, Levi. I can't ask you to put up with my bullshit." Erwin sounded tired, his voice cracking.

Levi cocked his head to the side, an invitation to sit beside him. The man swallowed hard, then joined him, the bed shifting with his weight. Their thighs were almost touching, their hands close, almost identical to their postures the night they had held hands for the first time. _If I reach across and hold his hand right now, will it be comforting, or pressuring?_

He erred on the side of caution, folding his arms over his chest instead. "You haven't been with anyone since Henrik died, have you?"

"I have," said Erwin, but the word ended on the wrong tone, as if there were more to it, and Levi read between the lines: _I'm the first dick he's had in his mouth since then._

It all made sense now. Erwin still associated giving head with Henrik, and nothing since then had given him any reason not to, so he had inadvertently stirred up forgotten memories. Levi felt a pang of compassion. Once, when he was much younger, he had been in a similar situation, only he had handled it with far less grace. His partner at the time had patiently helped him heal. Now it was his turn. He wasn't sure how to help, exactly, but he would try. Trying to comfort Erwin was probably a good start.

He turned and pulled the covers down, then crawled into the bed and held out a hand. Erwin hesitated.

"Trust me," said Levi. "I won't try anything."

After a moment, Erwin clasped his hand.

Levi pulled him into the bed, then guided him to curl up on his side, pulling his head down to rest on Levi's chest. Once they were settled, he pulled the covers over them and wrapped his arms around his Commander in a gentle hug - not too tight. He didn't want him to feel trapped.

"I can hear your heartbeat," said Erwin, sounding more like a frightened boy than the mastermind of humanity's future. He shifted his cheek against Levi's chest, as if settling in. "My memories are blurring. I keep superimposing your face onto Henrik's death."

"You hear my heart, right?" said Levi. "It's still beating."

"I can't trust my own mind."

For someone who was constantly analyzing everything around him, being unable to trust his own mind must be hellish. Feeling protective, Levi tightened his embrace.

"You asked me if I was replacing Henrik with you," continued Erwin. "How can I say I'm not if I'm confusing the two of you in my mind like this? If I reach for your name and get his, or if I reach for his memories and get you..." He trailed off.

The statement surprised Levi, because it indicated a lack of experience with serious relationships; otherwise, the man would understand that memories, faces and names sometimes blurred when one relationship ended and another began. He had expected Erwin to be a confident lover with dozens of long-term love affairs under his belt - a handsome man with such a dominant air would have no trouble finding a partner. _It's by choice,_ he realized, remembering the man's admission to putting his mission above all else. _He chose titans over love, every single time. Except Henrik. Except me._

He gently combed the blond hair, trying to soothe him. "It's normal to mix up faces and names at first. It's not the same thing as replacing someone. People get used to patterns, and it takes awhile to adapt to a new one. That's all it is."

"So you're saying this is going to happen again," said Erwin quietly. "I'm going to keep getting confused and flash back to worse times."

Levi wasn't sure how to answer. More than that: he wasn't sure how that made him feel. He had always thought of Erwin as someone above him, someone who had mastered his mind and body. It was disconcerting to see him so undone, especially knowing their intimacy was what had triggered it.

They lay there in silence, Erwin's head on Levi's chest, Levi smoothing his hair. After several minutes, in unspoken unison, their free hands drifted toward each other and intertwined. It felt natural, one large hand and one small, their fingers so easily fitting into the spaces between the others'. _That's how we work, _thought Levi. _We fit together. We're both screwed up in some ways, strong in others, and our strengths fit each other's weaknesses. _He wasn't sure if that was love, or just the fondness that came with a close professional partnership, or both, but whatever ran between them, it was deep enough that it would take more than one panicked incident to shake Levi's confidence.

Decisively, he pressed a kiss into the golden hair. "How are you feeling?"

There was a pause. "Ashamed."

"You still have my patience and my respect, Erwin. I want you to know that."

The Commander rolled onto his stomach to study him, settling his hands and chin on Levi's chest. "Thank you," he said solemnly.

Neither of them looked away, and Levi found himself drawn into the blue irises: dark perimeters, pale blue fibres that darkened again toward the pupils. He felt as if he were standing by the edge of a lake on a sunny day, staring into the bottom, the textures accentuated by rippling beams of light.

Tentatively, he reached out a hand and smoothed a blond eyebrow with his thumb. The brow was taller than his thumbnail, so thick that it felt more like wiry dog fur than a human brow; it tapered to a sharp point too soon. The abrupt sharpness complemented the strong curve of his nose and the severe cheekbones. When Levi had first spotted the man swooping through the city with his gear, he had likened him to a bird of prey.

The blue eyes searched his. "Levi, am I pushing my luck if I try to kiss you after everything I've put you through today?"

"Go ahead."

Erwin shifted up the bed to close the gap between their faces. The motion brought his body onto Levi's, and Levi suddenly remembered they were both naked under the covers. Blood began to rush to his cheeks and his groin, and he cursed himself. Getting turned on now was inappropriate.

Erwin, however, seemed oblivious. Their lips pressed innocently together. When he pulled away, his eyelids were low, and there was colour on his cheeks. A lock of blond hair was still loose on his forehead; Levi reached up to smooth it back into place. All this eye contact was giving him an idea.

"You know, Erwin," he said, "if you're ever worried about getting confused about who you're in bed with, you just have to keep your eyes on me the whole time. It's not like you can get mixed up if you're watching me."

"That's a good idea," said Erwin, sounding intrigued.

Levi shrugged it off, but he was already picturing the man between his legs, sharp gaze boring through him, unrelenting, and he was shocked by how much the idea turned him on. His breaths began to accelerate; he had been close to orgasm twice already that morning without getting off, and his body wasn't letting him forget it.

_Knock it off,_ he told himself._ Do you want him to have another panic attack? Don't even think about pushing too fast. _He stretched his legs, hoping the motion would release some of the restless energy building in his muscles.

Erwin studied him. "When I was first learning to ride a horse as a boy, I had a bad fall. As soon as I was well enough, my father tried to encourage me to start riding again. He told me that the longer I waited, the more my mind would exaggerate the risks, making it into an insurmountable ideal. I wish I had listened. After that, I couldn't so much as look at a horse without panicking, until I joined the Trainee Corps and was forced to learn to ride."

Levi tried to read him and, as usual, failed. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I feel like leaving things on a sour note now would encourage a needless rift to build between us, one that would be harder to overcome if we waited."

"You want to try again?" asked Levi, not sure he was understanding.

"You must be quite pent up by now. I'd like to try a little something with the oil I bought, if you're comfortable giving me another chance." There was a vulnerable crack in Erwin's expression, a little crease by one eyebrow.

"Okay," said Levi casually, as if his heart wasn't thudding in his chest. "Keep your eyes on me the whole time."

The vulnerable crease smoothed, and Erwin forward for another kiss, deeper this time. Then he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and bent down, digging through the shopping bag on the ground. When he returned, he had the small bottle in his hand. He lay on his side, and Levi did the same, facing him. He watched as Erwin pooled oil in his broad palm.

"You'll be okay," said Levi, half statement, half question.

The sharp eyes locked onto him. "While I'm doing this, Levi, I want you to look at me. I want to see your face." His gaze was intense, almost intimidating.

_Fuck, that's hot._ Levi bit the inside of his cheek, meeting his gaze head-on.

A slick hand caught him off guard, gripping him between the legs. He tilted his head back and cried out.

"Levi, look at me," said Erwin.

Stunned by the authority in his voice, Levi obeyed. When he had suggested eye contact, he hadn't meant to tip the control completely in his partner's favour. He felt a surge of rebellion: no one ordered him around, especially in bed.

...but he should play along for now. Control was comforting for Erwin, and under the circumstances, he certainly needed to feel safe.

Besides, Levi didn't want to admit it, but it felt curiously good to hand control to his partner, better than he could have guessed. As Erwin began to stroke him, he felt his eyes flutter, and he struggled to keep them open. The struggle was worth it just to see the hard light in those blue irises. _He looks determined, like he's trying to conquer me_. _Power-tripping asshole._

Then Erwin shifted, pressing flat against his body. His grip changed; heat blistered between them, and it took Levi a moment to realize what was happening: _he's jerking off both of us with one hand. _He lifted the covers to look, vaguely aware that a string of curses were slipping from his lips, but too euphoric to care.

"Levi, look at me."

Ignoring the command, he tilted his hips to get a deeper angle, enthralled by the sight of the two of them moving together. _Fucking shit, that's hot._

"Levi," said Erwin sharply.

"Fuck you." The words slipped out before Levi could stop them. Embarrassed, he looked up, expecting disapproval, but he found a smirk instead. He didn't have time to interpret it; Erwin lunged in for a deep, rough kiss. Levi bit into his tongue, wrapping a leg around him, raking a hand down his chest. He wanted to be as close to him as possible, closer, he wanted to be inside him.

Erwin broke the kiss, gasping, "Touch me."

That was a command Levi was happy to obey. He drove his hand between them, closing over Erwin's, feeling the two of them slide together through their joint grip.

"Fuck!" burst Erwin. Now he was watching their hands too, his face flushed and strained.

Panic began to rise in Levi's chest. He wasn't going to be able to hang on, not with this frenzy of oiled hands and tangled limbs and thrusting hips. He lunged forward and kissed Erwin hard, and their moans began to rise together.

He felt Erwin cry his name into his mouth. A spasm rippled through his body, and his toes curled, and waves of white light flooded his groin, his mind.

Then there was perfect stillness, his ears ringing.

When he finally remembered to breathe, he opened his eyes. Erwin's cheek was on the pillow beside him, eyes closed, expression soft. Levi studied him, his entire body glowing. In a strange way, he was proud of the man.

"Is there a handkerchief somewhere around here?" He sat up to examine the damage, then grimaced. "Disgusting. You're going to need to wash these sheets."

A blue eye opened. "You can use the hand towel in the bathroom." The eye closed again. A moment later, Erwin's breaths were slow and even, as if he had fallen asleep. Levi was tempted to join him. They still had a few hours to kill, and it might be nice to nap together, even if the sheets were filthy.

He carefully climbed over top of him. Once he was standing, he paused for a moment, watching Erwin sleep. His face looked even more handsome with mussed hair and flushed cheeks, though maybe the afterglow was tainting Levi's opinion. The fondness building in his chest was so warm that it was almost nauseating.

Standing, he began to move toward to the bathroom.

As he passed the desk, his eyes locked onto the garbage bin, where Erwin had thrown the torn letter. The warmth drained from Levi's body. From here, he could clearly see the Wallist letterhead, and it certainly didn't look like a business flyer.

He glanced back at Erwin and, judging that he was still unconscious, bent over and plucked the papers from the bin. The looping script was difficult to read, and as he struggled through it, his eyes widened. He glanced back at the sleeping man.

_Is he a Wallist?_ _Has he cut ties, or is he in league with them somehow? _He thought of the fanatical worshippers, of their protests against scouting missions and staunch opposition to upgrading the walls. They were one of the biggest thorns in humanity's side.

It wasn't his place to judge - if anyone understood that good people could come from bad places, it was Levi - but he felt his heart pounding anyway.

_Stop it, _he told himself_. This is fucking Erwin Smith, the man who'll be humanity's key to freedom. He doesn't have any shady motives._

Determined not to have his confidence shaken, he set the papers back in the bin, then continued to the bathroom.

His eyes went immediately to the pump shower by the tub. He had heard of the contraptions, but never seen one in person: a way to clean oneself without sitting around in one's own filth. He was tempted to try it out, but he couldn't figure out how it worked. Maybe another time.

After he had cleaned up, he brought a hand towel back for Erwin. Rolling the slumbering man onto his back, he mopped up his abdomen. "There, it's better than nothing."

"Thank you," mumbled Erwin, barely conscious.

Levi crawled into the other side of the bed, then grimaced as the man tried to spoon behind him. "Stop that. You're all sticky."

"Hm. Hold me, then." Erwin lazily rolled onto his other side.

Feeling a bit ridiculous, Levi pressed against the man's back, reaching up and over the broad rib cage. He kept forgetting about their size difference until moments like this brought them into sharp contrast. He thought back to their earlier conversation about size differences, still concerned. _If I try to fuck him, I'll look like a dog humping a horse._

Well, they'd worry about that when they got to it. At this rate, there was plenty of time to figure it out.

Once he had settled in, he laid a soft kiss at the base of Erwin's neck, and his eyelids began to grow heavier.

As drowsiness settled over him, everything began to seem simpler. His worries were petty. This warmth, this closeness, was what mattered.

_I don't care where you came from, Erwin,_ he thought, his eyes closing. _I don't care if anything we do looks ridiculous, or if we have to wait a year before you're okay with fucking, or if you need me to coax you through everything we do together, one step at a time. I will follow you._

He snuggled closer, and his lips lifted into a smile.


End file.
